History and the Class of '62

Red bud blooming at end of May in Crescent City

Mao's Great Famine: The History of China's Most Devastating Catastrophe, 1958-62.

There we were, the class of 1962 of Whitesboro Central School, knee deep in rock'n'roll and the beginnings of folk music.  The civil rights movement was well under way.

 The big news of John F. Kennedy's election was that he was the first catholic president. Little did we know what his legacy would really be. Most of us probably didn't even know who Mao was.

We,  the class of 1962, were born about the time that the attack on Pearl Harbor burst the bubble of American invulnerability and followed shortly thereafter, in the vast span of history, the atomic bomb was dropped on Japan. 

We lived in the dawn of the space age when Sputnik was launched into orbit. Before that,  we were the first to watch TV - Howdy Doody, Dick Clark, Lone Ranger, Perry Como and George Jones, Ed Sullivan, and all other such legends.

We also tasted the first McDonald's hamburgers and fries. However, we did prefer Voss' Dairy (best burgers and ice cream and Rick was in our class) and then there was diner with the juke boxes at the end of the booths.

As we grew up, we experienced radical social changes. We lived the ambiguity of this time warp. Mothers increasingly had to go to work while we watched the very happy Cleaver and Nelson families act out their humorous crises. 

 There were no African Americans  in our school until one black boy and one girl enrolled in our senior year. At the same time, the barriers melted away between  Italians and Polish, as evidenced by  a guy at one end of the hall humorously yelling, "Hey wap wap!", only to then hear, "Hey pollack!" coming from the other direction. It was horrifying to hear, nevertheless. I well remember getting an "F" in speech for having the topic, "Racism in Oneida County!"

We hung out at the plaza, went to beach parties at Hinkley Lake, went skiing in Old Forge, skated at Flag Street playground,  never missed the Firemen's Field Days and carnivals, did the twist with Chubby Checker, swooned over Elvis,  and sneaked into drive-in movies to make out- just mentioning a few as the memories beginning to flood in like a tsunami on the horizon.

Our Senior skip day was a disaster. They were waiting for us with a vengeance. Ah, yes! Detention! My favorite hang out!

Now, I am on the crest of that tsunami which was only the beginning of an era of social upheaval. I am beginning to compare today's world with the world out of which we of the Class of 1962 were born and raised. 

How quickly my imagination shifts from  the tsunami of those radically changing times we lived, to the beauty of the red bud blooming in May in Florida, steeped as I am with the crises of the planet today. 

What else is there to remember?  What's different about today than when you were born and raised - the world into which our grandchildren and great grandchildren are coming in to experience?

Three Eclipses and Kharma

Just had a new moon full solar eclipse on May 20 which included an eclipse of  the black hole.

Today, June 4, 202 there's a full moon eclipse .

Then on June 5-6 there's a Venus eclipse, which happens only once in 100 years or so
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We all indeed are living in radically transformative times and here we are suspended between the new moon solar eclipse and full moon lunar eclipse and the Venus eclipse.

If you are one who is sensitive to these energies, you, as am I, have been experiencing some mighty powerful reflections.

I experience being called to proclaim the end of my own  kharmic albatross, that of experiencing myself as being an outsider. I am drawn to making some decisions to support a sense of belonging where I am and feeling happiness in my relationships.

Already, today, I ran into a few people I know, an unusual occurrence, even for such a small village with one major grocery store. I suppose this was just a coincidence, but nevertheless, the event was auspicious to me.

My niece, her husband, and son, came to visit last weekend. Their presence evoked pure bliss for they are such loving folks. I enjoyed being loved and loving them. My interpretation of the experience of their visit  is also auspicious.

It depends on where Venus is in your chart,as to what has an intensified possibility of happening.

Where it is in my astrological chart suggests that, the interpretation of the Venus eclipse is many new people coming into my life - from now on.

Astrology may or may not be a valid tool in today's world, even though it did lead the 3 Wise Men to the Manger once upon a time, it is nonetheless, does stimulate self-reflection.

 I am going to a conference in Italy where already 500 colleagues are registered. I'm sure I don't know all of them already, but can only imagine the high energy that will be present with so many who share a common purpose in one place.  And I really am looking forward to making some real time connections with names and faces of which I am familiar.

I am reconciled to traveling alone this time, sensing that I will meet new people and have conversations with them as I proceed, mindful of reflections present during this adventuresome journey.

 The sheer presence of these eclipses have inspired me to sense the reality of all the people existing in this community we call Planet Earth. I want to meet them all, problems and promises that they hold in their hearts. That is some challenge for an introvert such as I.

How have you experienced the call to change - maybe end karmic business - at this particular time of year where the energy of these eclipses have provided such an opportunity?

Information Age Update

Annular Eclipse over Hawaii

Since the beginning of 2012, I have had one "opportunity" after another to update electronic equipment.

 First, the lap top screen went blank - able to replace lap top with a larger screen, more gigs, etc. The printer just plain died, so I got one very cheaply that takes 1/2 the ink, scans, and copies, too.

Then my Kindle screen went blank. I opted for Kindle Fire since my touch-screen ipad clone apps were more than a new Kindle Fire.

Then the flip-top cell phone became increasingly more difficult to stay in a hot spot - probably due to the fact I have an obsolete plan. So, I threw caution to the wind and opted for a smart phone - which will cost three times as much a month - but at least I can complete a phone call without having to call back a couple of times - plus keep up with facebook, email, do voice commands, access a GPS, etc. eetc. etc.

I have a really fine camera with telescopic lenses, but it's cumbersome and takes +1nb pix. My  Easyshare decided it doesn't want to record pix to the card any longer, so I now have a new Sony which takes really high quality shots and video recordings and is like 2"x3" x 1/2".

The electric toothbrush wants to hum on its own and the water pick has one attachment left, so I'm opting soon for an updated water pic.

Coffee pot went kafluey, so we pulled out an old one that didn't used to work but does now.

The TVs and the ipod wouldn't dare act up, given that they now know how easily they can be replaced.

Not electronic, but even the glare proof coating on my glasses began to pearlize, occasioning a change in the limited perspective they were allowing!! Getting new lenses only took one hour, instead of the week long wait of past years. A by-product of that change is just that now I can really see again.

All of these occurrences have made me painfully aware of my acquired dependence on electronics and high technology.

  As long as I can see, they all add a richness to communication with the rest of the world. I am grateful for my ability to acquire these gifts of technology.

I can say I can live without them. I can. But, for the time being, why would I do that?

What is your relationship to the gifts of this technological information age we've been experiencing?

Leadership and Me

Jena Guenther and I seriously planning for the 2013 Conference. She was the inspiration for and was the first cochair of the organization  of which I am the current cochair.

A dialogue on different perspectives on the same reality is healthy if there is to be a synthesis of the many disciplines.  The Real Leadership Lessons of Steve Jobs (14 lessons), in April 2012 issue of Harvard Business Review by Walter Isaacson lists Steve Jobs' take on what it takes to be a leader. 

Steve Jobs' asserts that a good leader will...

1) Focus,

 2) Simplify, 

3) Take Responsibility End-to-End,

 4) When Behind, Leapfrog,

 5) Put Products Before Profits,

 6) Don't Be a Slave to Focus Groups,

 7) Bend Reality,

 8) Impute,

 9) Push for Perfection,

 10) Tolerate Only "A" Players,

 11) Engage Face-to-Face, 

12) Know Both the Big Picture and Details,

 13) Combine the Humanities with the Sciences,

 14) Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish.

Steve Jobs was determined to become very rich while also getting a breakthrough innovation out to the world. This list clearly shows that he loved what he was doing, knowing it was good for the world.

I would have preferred to not be the leader of an organization which is about what the world needs most- or for any other reason. Yet, I find myself in that position and doing a good job at it as well - for the moment anyway.

Learning Steve Jobs take on leadership, occasioned a reflection for me on what I believe it takes to be a good leader. This is my take on effective leadership today:

1). Facilitates the creation of, holds, and protects the consensus,

2) Operates as if a Higher Self is in charge of the community's growth,

3) Inspires participation, celebrating effort and accomplishment,

4) Takes responsibility  in consideration of the whole picture and what is needed really needed, and

5) Focuses on prioritizing goals into a timeline, monitoring and supporting implementation.

I have also learned quickly that in order to be sustained as a leader, it is necessary to say "Yes" to the unique contribution of others, expecting that each of us is intending our highest good, and that we all are regularly falling short of our own performance expectations.  This I would suggest is the most important leadership lesson of all.

If that isn't the final lesson, then the final lesson is that laughter released in abundance is what keeps us all going strong - that with some hearty singing and entering the round dance of life!

What's your take on good leadership today?

Sign post at Songaia Community in Bothell, WA

Aging and Looking Ahead

I am not certain that focusing on "living in the moment" is where it's at for me right now.  I find it rather comfortable to be present in the here and now and do so even when I am not spending time being mindfully aware of this reality.

I have recently become aware of birthdays of people in their 90's who are physically fit, alert, and leading purposeful lives.

A friend of mine, one I have known since I was a child, just turned 80. She is among those healthy, engaged people. She has some age related deterioration physically and mentally, broke her hip recently, and maintains a strict diet to keep her digestive system from interfering with her active life style.

I have been telling myself the story that I will probably not be around much longer, so it would be in my best interests to live in the moment, fully and with great fun.

However, what if I am going to maintain my present health and get to live, given some limitations, for a long time.

Perhaps it behooves me to consider creating a plan for the next 20 years and live each day with that plan in mind.

The big question, then, becomes, "What is worth taking twenty years to move toward at this time of life?"

Reflecting on the Gathering of the Clan

Since our great gathering of the clan in Seattle in December, and a meeting of grandson with grandfather later in the month, there has been a great pause in communication. I suppose this is a natural phenomenon as all stakeholders need time to relish the memory and process this surreal event in which we all participated.

I am accustomed to being around people who are expressive. I am expressive in writing, but in person, I am very guarded. The reason for this, I have decided is that when I have been expressive, it is rarely shared, unless with people who know me well.

There were moments during the gathering of our clan when I wanted to burst with joy and other times when I wanted to have a conversation. I sensed everyone was experiencing joy, but conversation remained superficial

 On one of our evenings together, I was just beginning to relax with this group. One remark did me in with its exclusionary tone.

But, that was my problem. We were all finding our ways into and around this drama of bonding. My problem was in not being able to other than take it personally at the time.

I am experiencing a sense that everyone present has returned to some semblance of a normal life and is getting on with our lives, remembering our gathering as significant, yet no longer overwhelming.

All of us have grown up in a world where feelings are supposed to be discounted, with no place in inter-relationships. This is a world in which the mark of a mature adult is one who doesn't show or maybe even feel feelings.

Fortunately the world is changing. Emotions are being acknowledged, expressed, processed, shared.

When I was young, I lost my temper when I was angry. I soon learned that it changed nothing and I didn't like who I was as a result. So, I adapted a "habit" of ignoring that which angered me. My favorite saying was from Aunt Bea who sat on my interior council ever reminding me that "God meant something good to come out of everything.".

This may be true of course, but there are times when it is good to get angry - good because anger is the feeling being experienced.   Why stuff it down?

For too many years - a half of a century in fact - I stuffed it down along with deep regret. Ignoring real feelings, repressing them, leaving them lie dormant, effected and affected every decision I made. I only share this much because it is relevant as I reflect on the gathering of this clan.

I came close to almost ignoring my feelings as they came up during the gathering, falling into the old pattern. I see myself almost as a zombie during that time. When the  tears of anger welled up, I could no longer hold them back.  Tears gushed all through the night. In the morning, I was finished. What I had been experiencing through the night was over and I was ready to feel good.

Nothing much had changed in the group dynamics, but I was feeling good, and I was authentically feeling. I am assuming that the process was as it was and that journey to being able to feel no matter what the response, was an almost fifty year breakthrough for me.

I don't have to stuff anything down anymore. Doors are opened wide. Connections have been made. Everyone knows each other and where to find each other now.

I have a feeling of being alone, but that is because I am alone really -not to be confused with the opposite of Oneness which I am also feeling.

I also have a feeling of completion because what I wanted most came to pass and is now a new take on the past.

I affirm the totality of  events and their accompanying feelings of this past two years: the reunion with my daughter, Caroline; meeting her children, Paige and Justin; attending the wedding of my first granddaughter, Kathleen, whose life I was not aware of before this;  meeting Caroline's parents, Paula and James; spending time with both Paige and Justin; Justin spending time with my sons, Rob, Russ, and Randy and grandson. Wilder; shopping and talking on the phone and pix on facebook and in emails; and the gathering of the clan in Seattle where Caroline met her natural father, Kurt, and his son. Raoul, and son's wife, Jenn; to learn of Kurt's daughter and passing of his wife.

 It is wonderful to learn what they are doing from time to time since then and to hear of possible connecting in the future.

In my heart, there is still a longing to be together, but this habitual pattern will fade away as the fullness of these past years slowly replaces that with a peaceful dance.

Systems and Such

The bush is full of blooms. Focusing on one can illuminate the beauty of the whole bush full of blooms. So it is with focusing a group's energy on one purpose and how to maintain a purposeful environment.

I have been pondering the underlying causes of a non-functioning system. I have asked myself why it stays in existence. Surely the purpose is beyond power games, passive resistant manipulation,  saying one thing and doing another - or not doing at all, finding fault with someone who is taking the lead, or collectively yielding to micromanagement  - which I would suggest is the ultimate form of a non-functioning system.

Non-functioning may be the wrong term if it means that the system is just sitting there doing nothing. I would suggest that its meaning is neither that there is no apparent function for its existence nor all that gets done is irrelevant.

I would suggest that a non-functioning system is lacking in the inspirational source that was at its inception and that the solution is not to close shop, but rather to change so to be an inspiring presence.

Organizations of which I have been a part, have suffered this dilemma of sinking into a non-functioning pit of quick sand. None  the least of which is public education.

Twenty years in public education and I never understood the function of making kids come to school every day, sit behind desks, read, write, listen, and take a test.
 
For the entire twenty years, I never found a way to fit into the groove expected of me. Over the course of those twenty years, I did find ways to facilitate change where I was. My internal experience was one of continually being overwhelmed with the whole systems transformation needed in public education.

The thing is, there wasn't a core of people in each district in the - well,-  in the world to change the whole system of education.  The hundreds of demonstration schools, the thousands of charter schools, the umpteen number of home schooling groups, are all "spits in the park" compared to what is needed.

Part of all that movement in the direction of change is that by nature they are individual, unconnected efforts. Frithy frothy marshmallows of billow bubbles proclamations of hope accompanied with great applause for their efforts  is not going to make it happen either.

It will happen when the occasion of focus brings this movement together to move ahead as a very public demonstration of systems transformation.

The same is true at the heart of every dynamic, massively spread out as is public education, or a small leadership core of a not-for-profit.

Where do you see a need for a system in need for a whole transformation?  What will it take?

Destination: Today

Didn't get perrmission to use this, nor do I know where it originated, but isn't it awesome?

This month, I participated in a series of teleconference workshops. they were a pioneering adventure, one which I wasn't about to miss.

The final of five workshops was about contemplation time in a busy world.  The leader had studies with Thich Nat Hanh, the Vietnamese Buddhist,  since the 1980's and shared how she practices. One of t he questions she asked us to share in pairs was something like, "What keeps us from slowing down and taking time?"

Even though I do have a rich solitary life, the question was still relevant.

May answer:  I have an ailing heart and have much I would like to get done before I go.

Her response was, "You'll never get it all done.". She said this not only once but four times.

Needless to say, I experienced the offense, even though I knew this was true.

This event reminded me of the famous turning point lines in Requiem for A Heavyweight, where Ma says, "Where do you want it? Here or in the alley?"

I really don't want to answer this one more time in my life.  Nevertheless, it is a question that each of us are asked in some form or other almost daily if not more often.

I prefer here and today, now, thank you. this is all I have and it definitely is worth living with eyes open wide, in response to the really real.

Of course, in the movie, the line was about doing what Ma wanted or getting shot. So Ma got her way.
So, I do what Ma wants, metaphorically speaking.

How about you?  Where do you want it? Here or in the alley?

The Joy of Writing

I write.

I write this blog and I am writing a book.

I get into a place of passion and writing is a pure joy as I get lost in the wonder of it all.

Recently, I asked an editor friend for feedback on the nature of the content and style of the book I am writing. The response was a whole list of grammatical errors from commas to syntax.

I was angry and frustrated. I felt demeaned. I cried and swore I would give up writing altogether. It wasn't just this event. This was the end of my patience with  several attempts at feedback.

Emotions had their way for awhile until volition stepped in and I decided to meditate.

I sat quietly, got comfortable, relaxed, and focused on breathing in and breathing out.

First, I listened to myself hash it over and over, while I gently encouraged the rampage to slow down and eventually stop. Then I reflected on exactly what had gone down to get me into this state - first I did this, then that happened, then........ until I had disidentified from my own experience and could see it as it had occurred without judgment.

Secondly, I listened and watched this outrage which had consumed me. I asked, "Who is this raging on like this?" As the energy personified, I listened and watched as an "aha" emerged and a light revealed its presence in all its glory. As the ranting eased, the personified energy acknowledged,  I watched it slowly transform back into writer energy.

With that, finally, I returned to writing the book. I put on some music, and followed my fingers on the keyboard into that creative source. The images flowed onto the page as I let go of volition and wrote spontaneously with wild abandon again.

I never cease to be amazed at the flow of the creative process. I am slowly learning to adjust to others' not rising up to meet my expectations and to just look elsewhere if feedback is really an important interlude to the writing process. And when I need a break to process,to  just take one.

What has been your experience with the creative process?

Oombulgurri One More Time

"Main Street" and about the only street in Oombulgurri, Western Australia

Recently,  I found this old picture of Oombulgurri Human Development Project's main drag. It must have been taken in the early '70s. It got me wondering about how Oombulgurri is faring today.

While we were there in the late 70's, diamonds were discovered in the Kimberley's and the government was concerned that we would interfere with their negotiations with the Aboriginal people regarding ownership and rights to the profits from diamond mining on Aboriginal sacred land.

I'm sure I could ask and find out the outcome, but I'm also sure the people's rights did not get honored.  

The government sure made it impossible for us to stay in the community. Therefore, we backed on out of there to focus our work in another community, near Sydney, named Murrin Bridge.

An important part of the history of the Institute of Cultural Affairs working with Aboriginal people in Australia is that they had just recently acquired status as human beings. True dinkum!!! All had lived on mission stations for a couple-three generations and the ways to survive and thrive on the land were not being transferred to the next generations, rendering the people totally codependent - like farm animals - on" gudia" (white people) to care for them.

Left on their own, they totally collapsed as a culture and as a people. But, the culture that ran in their bones, through their hearts, and into a cry for sanctuary, was alive and well.  This was true everywhere in Australia. A demonstration community of possibility was our response.

My concern is more for the history which has walked this lane, as well as the possibility of a story of continuing unfolding development. As themodified cliche goes, if these old boab trees could dance the story, what would the corroboree reveal.

There have been many books written  - stories told - since the  1970's. They have been written by college educated authors of Aboriginal heritage. That in and of itself tells a huge story of how time has healed the atrocious wounds of an ancient culture.

Still, I look at this photo and I wonder how Oombulgurri is faring. How is Olive, Elaine, Sheila, my narlagu  (same name) Judy, and all the other wonderful people - revolutionary pioneers in their life's time - whose names have slipped into the unreachable places of collective memory.

How are they faring? What has been their destiny? And you? How are you faring? What's been your destiny?

Porch Time Chats

I have created a new blog. I hope you will come see it and participate in a porch time chat now and then. The site is  PORCH TIME CHATS.
Come on over and set a spell.  The porch is always lovely.

Another Oombulgurri, Australia Story

Elaine was one of two chosen to go to a Human Development Training Institute in India.Tthis was a momentous occasion since neither had been out of the Kimberleys, let alone on a plane.  I gave Elaine my best dress to wear and all of us women gave her enough to wear in style (so to speak).  Elaine was married and her husband was very supportive of her going on this trip. It had not really sunk in to him that she was taking a huge step on her journey, one which he hadn't even dreamed of ever doing hmself.

Elaine and the other two returned from the training with a new glow about them. Elaine was eager to share everything, including the fact that there was another woman there from the area of the ancient part of southern India who was a mirror image of herself, the strange and delicious foods she tasted, the plane ride, the new things she learned about community development, and on and on.

She had washed all her new clothes when she returned and hung them on her line to dry. She took them off the line and folded them neatly, placing them in a corner of her hut. After that was done, she told me that her husband was very angry with her and she didn't know what to do.

I immediately empathized from my own experiences of attempting to come into my own and laughed out loud. Elaine was, understandably,  really upset at my response.  I apologized and took her hands and looked into her eyes. 

"I understand, Elaine, and I will work with you to keep you safe."  I didn't have a clue how to help, not having figured out how to keep out of harms way myself.

We agreed that she would pay some special attention to his needs and hold off on the telling the story of her journey until he appropriated the transformation that had occurred in their relationship.

But, yes, he did beat her and ruin her new clothes, burning them in the pit. I attempted to be there for her, but she was angry at me and every one of us who had sent her on this wondrous journey and then did nothing to protect her when she returned.

She had no idea that she would encounter this domestic horror. I had experienced similar and was so caught up in my own demise, conditioned as I had become to it, I did not recognize the universal characteristics of what happens when women begin to leave their subservient status to come into their own expression of being.

Elaine sunk back into the person she used to be, totally avoiding her rightful claim to matriarchal status of an ancient culture, the secret of that global experience hidden in her heart.

How easy it is for women everywhere to fall into the old ways of relating to men just to keep the peace, one of our natural gifts. How important it is for us to become mindfully aware of our personal callings to transform and come into our own.  At least today, men know they have a part to play in this transformation.

Elaine's experience was well over 30 years ago, but how far have women really come? 

In the Yard

My l yard is 76'x100' in block 1 lot 12 of the city. At one time, where my 1400 sqf house was built, once stood the Orange Inn.  Originally a lake front cracker shack of a fish camp, it  was expanded into an upscale fish camp and dining hall annex. I don't own the whole of the original land, only a remnant of days of yore when when it also was surrounded by orange groves.  this old section of town rests between two lakes, essentially rendering this place as an elevated area of Florida swampland.

My yard has many stories to be told of the goings on during the past three or four centuries. Most of the stories will go untold, but I'd like to share with you some goings on these days in my yard.

Before I built my home here, I imagined conquistadors traveling through her on their way to discovering the original fountain of youth down the road a piece. There are no traces of such activity, only an occasional arrow head, empty bottle, or plate shard from the inn.

On my small remnant of the Orange Inn, I have planted key lime, lime, fig, guava, satsuma orange, red grapefruit, pomelo, avocado, banana, blueberry, a juice orange with three types of oranges on it, kumquat, rosemary, gardenia, night jasmine, jasmine, plumbago, milkweed, forsythia, rose, wisteria, azalea, poinsettia, begonia, bougainvillea, eucalyptus, and some types of aloe and palm. In addition there are other assorted other wild flowers, ferns, and some bushes and flowers which began in pots as gifts.

Dick plants a 15'x25' garden a couple three times a year along with  many varieties of peppers and tomatoes in pots. And there's still plenty of lawn space.

Wild life also comes calling - racoons, possums, snakes, squirrels, ants, bees, mosquitoes, love bugs, wasps, spiders and several types of butterflies.  But, what has been the most mesmerizing is watching birds nest in the fruit trees.  Presently building nests are blue jays and cardinals. We are waiting for the hummingbirds to return. Lately, there seems to be trees full of birds - especially robins and starlings -- there one day and gone the next. The usual annual parade of peacocks and sand cranes haven't been around for awhile. Gulls and grey heron hang around at the lake's edge. I also am beginning to realize that we haven't seen a red fox or panther for several years. Alligators, for the  most part stay in the lake.

Everyone seems to be building fences these days, but the animals don't seem to know what fences are for, except to rest on occasionally. What a great gift to be watching plants grow and bloom and die, too, and observing birds and animals going about their business of inhabiting in a safe haven.

It is remarkable to reflect that this small space, surrounded by ongoing development, increased vehicle traffic, and noisy boats and motorcycles and aging air conditioners, that nature is sustainable.

But it is.  Such a wonderful metaphor for a thriving community! so much yet to learn from nature! Tell me about your environment. I'd love to have such an image to hold dear.

I and Resolve are Remembering

Well, I'm out of money to spend and can not remember the last time I have been in such a predicament.

In truth, it has triggered the remembering of many times I have been out of money in my life.

I'm remembering eating rice only for a month straight just so I could afford coffee and cigarettes.
Gross remembrance considering all I could have purchased instead of cigarettes. Coffee? No, that was a basic human need then.

But, there were even harder times when I was out of job with no signs of hope ahead, no clients, no cigarettes, and no coffee. I applied for food stamps, but was rejected because I owned too much. So, I had a huge yard sale which produced two months relief, which was all I needed. If I hadn't learned how already, I successfully managed my new money with exceptional scrutiny.

Today, being out of money is a different animal with which to reckon. Comfort of home, stock of food, garden, closet full of clothes, tank of gas in the car which should last until the end of the month, leaves me with nothing about which to be angry, and only to wait until the first of the month.

How many people are there in the world who literally are starving, have no clothes, no shelter, and no first of the month to wait for?  Why, in this world where all is available, are there so many in this condition? The poor will always be with us, well and good, but the poverty today is here in my community and everywhere.  And it isn't all right.

 My present "suffering" only reminds me of what's going on in the world around me. Relatively, I am rich. I feel very wealthy, not compared to being abjectly poor, but cause I have had the energy to be resourceful.

Do I want to alleviate poverty? Well, yes. But, even more so, I desire to be among those in the great spirit movement of our time - that transformative power which gives people the impetus to make choices,  ability to be resourceful, access the creative source, self-confident in the sustainability on this planet that is occasioned by good will choices.

Is this too much to ask?

Reflection on a Year Past

From a seemingly endless list of earth shaking news events this year, those that left the most lasting impression on my own psyche are: the royal wedding, Arizona fires, Earthquake/Tsunami/nuclear disaster in Japan, Occupy Wall Street, and football coaches as pedaphiles. I feel a resolve emerging from my heart for a response  that contributes to a vision of a healthy planet.

My 2011 New Year's Resolution was to actually travel and experience, in person, connections with others and what they are doing, make some long overdue visits to dear friends and loving family, and for Caroline to meet her natural father, Kurt.

 The year's big events went something like this:

January - Paige, Justin, and I went to Kathleen's wedding. Kathleen is my first born genetic grandchild.

February - In Colquitt, GA participated in Creative Communities Conference

March - Attended Randy Canoda's retirement with Dick - Randy's father of choice, flew to Phoenix for Profound Journey Dialogue - rebirth of a life changing course,  spent a great week with Connie - high school chum and former sister-in-law, and had dinner with Judy and Jim Wiegel - dear colleagues of yore.

April - Attended psychosynthesis Presenter's Conference in Amherst,then a Steering Committee Retreat to work on a new digital infrastructure, and at the end, met Caroline's parents - the lovely couple who adopted her.

May - Became co-chair of AAP.

June - Led retreat and attended Foundations Course in Burlingame, CA, had lunch with cousin Joan, and short visits with Celeste and Jeri

September - Flew to Oklahoma to visit Randy, Stephanie, and Chris - included TX World Horse Championship, spent a day together with wise women - Conna, Jan, and Pat, as Jan led us through "Finding Your Heart Song".

November - Led annual AAP meeting as  a successful teleconference  - a famous first. Went our for Halloween on my own.

December - Led Steering Committee Retreat in Memphis, THEN flew to Seattle,  where Caroline finally met Kurt, her natural father, for the very first time.

Although the year was over after that miraculous week, I could say that the rest of the year was a grand celebration of a year well worth living. Two days before Christmas, when an empty day loomed apparent, I invited everyone I saw for Christmas day brunch. Fourteen people came for the celebration, hosted by me, the new Auntie Mame for a day.

Then on New Year's Eve, I went to Lake George with Dick, watched a yule log blaze, went down to the lake for fireworks, and then gazed into the base of the yule log - into its firey heart - for a long time. The next day I sat by the remnant embers of the yule log and meditated into the joy of being at ease, relaxed, and experiencing refreshing resolve for a whole new year ahead.

In 2012, I will write the story of Caroline's journey. I will be more involved in my community. I will travel to Italy for the International Psychosynthesis Conference and to upstate New York for a 50th high school  reunion. I just attended an ICA 50th reunion gathering (which is on my list).

Carol, Terry, George, Judi, Bob, Cynthia. Mike and Judith in front, gathered for a first of 50th Anniversary of ICA events.

I will also work together with my team to guide AAP into a new place where momentum builds again and growth resumes.

Sometimes, wonder emerges from mundane resolve to reach out to the world around and actually interact. All business completed for this life's time, I will go dancing into the future's end.

How's it been for you this past year?  What's happening now as you gaze into the future?

Solitary Time With Psyche

Songaia, Bothell, WA, Community Garden December 2011

Processing time is difficult with so many distractions to feed an avoidance pattern.

On the other hand, distractions can be a time of incubation, while Psyche does a deeper processing.

So, unwittingly, I have kept myself distracted for a couple three weeks instead of struggling to keep distractions from the solitary time I need to process.

When Psyche is ready, there will be no distractions. There will only be time with Psyche.

When Psyche is ready, I will wake up with insights which I need to bring into conscious awareness and to interact.

I will be sitting drinking coffee from my new cup and a conversation will proceed with a personified energy in my imagination. I like to feel that I am actually in discourse telepathically with the real person, but suspect otherwise. The conversations will easily be productive.

I will become irritated with someone, stop, find the same dynamic within my own thought process, and address it instead. I will become irritated at a memory of something another said or did, and find the same pattern within myself and address it instead. Sometimes, remembering to do this takes a little time, but this irritation increases until I do acknowledge it, give it energy, and address it.

One very difficult energy I am beginning to process is a part of me which wants to be married and an equally strong energy which is very independent. So, dependence and independence are duking it out these days. As has been the case for many years if not forever, independence has the upper hand, dealing the low blows keeping dependence paralyzed. A balance of the two would open a door for interdependence, allowing both free spirit and common care to dance together.

The internal turmoil is a bit of a drain.

The urgency to process at this time of life began, when a man who I once wanted very much to marry many years ago, recently looked straight at me and said, "I don't want to get married.". He then waxed on with a delightfully compelling scenario of one who lives as a free spirit.

This triggered in me a series of silent questions, right then and there (I wonder how he was responding to my seemingly blank stare,: "So what else is new?" and; "Why are you telling me this?" and; "Have I given you the impression that I want to marry you?" and; "You mean to tell me that I am not irresistibly gorgeous?" and ; "Is this statement coming from a half a century ago and just n ow arriving to be heard, and finally; "Is he simply mirroring my Psyche's will for me?"

Of course, his statement primarily, if not exclusively, is from his own projections on where he is right now on his journey of a life's time. Nevertheless, it occasioned, in me, a wondering about why it is that I am single, very independent, and so very solitary.

This internal dialogue, now catalyzed by that one statement which came initially from  yore's time, will be one I will process this year, with no particular expectations except that I will experience a deep resolution about being who I am now and who I am becoming now.

Where are you struggling with commitment - personally and socially?

About Love - Lesson of a Life's Time

Received the nessage in this blog from this yule log's heart

From now on, all is Love.

All adventures are now joyous encounters with he presence of the present in which Love resides.

What I have learned this year is that I love. Yes, I love. When I say I love you, you don't have to expect there to be conditions attached. When I say I love you, I just love you because I do.

Why wouldn't I love you? You are most loveable.  I could hate you or resent you, or find you disgusting, or not want you around. Nevertheless, I would still  love you.  One image of this love is Damien kissing the leper right on the lips. Another image I have of this love is Zorba dancing at the seaside. Another image I have of this love is touching noses with my kitty cat, Another image is the song from Gilbert and Sullivan, "I love the mountains, I love the rolling hills, I love the flowers, I love the daffodils, I love ... Boom-de-a-da..."

I will no longer be put off by the reserve of another who balks at, "I love you".  I don't love you because I gave birth to you, or because I bore your children, or because I idolize you,  or because we have shard special moments (if you know what I mean!!),or for any other reason.

I love you because you and I are One with the All of Creation - which is the heart of Love itself.

Being in the presence of Love,  

One in this space of Love. 

Then, Loving together. 

This Love that I have learned in this life's time, I will now practice until it's time to move on into the next life's time.

I love you. I really love you.

So, are there any questions you may now have about "I Love You"?

"To Do, To Do, and Done" Fun

No more  karma bucket list of  to dos. May soon be time to turn to social responsibility. However, not this weekend.
Now is the time to celebrate the present and really claim the future as beauty, joy, and great new adventure.
A desire or two may come to pass, but there are no regrets, no expectations, no disappointments. What a wonderful life this has been.

Pressure wash the porch. Done
Hang the wreath and other holiday  decorations. Done
Send, wrap, give gifts. Done
Invite the guests. Done
Create a new tree. Done
Mop the floor. Done
Add the center extension to the table. Done
Bring out the holiday cloths, place mats, candles and wreaths and  transform the space. Done
Sous chef the tortellini, scalloped potatoes and ham, three quiches (feta+spinach, broccoli+mushroom+provolone, pepper+onion+mushroom+ham+cheddar). Done
Bake cake, blueberry pie, lemon tarts, cookies. Done
Roast pecans and almonds. Burned!!
Squeeze oranges and purchase champagne and chill all. Done
Pull silver, crystal, china out of storage, wash, and set tables. Done
Put out chocolates, fruit jells, nuts, chips and dip. Done
Bake quiches, kielbasa, bacon, biscuits. Done
Warm tortellini, scalloped potatoes, apple pie. Done
Sweep and mop floor several times during the preparation. Done
Place everything for serving. Done
Light the candles. Done
Greet guests, offering mimosas or egg nog. Done
Announce dinner is served. Done

So twelve neighborhood folks gather to celebrate together at brunch at the White house (!!).  75-80 degrees, sunny.slight breeze off the lake. Relaxation and great conversations.Feeling at home here at home. Does it get any better than this?
 Clean up. Maid's day off. No problem - no maid anyway!!.

May your year unfold in blessings and bloom in grand adventure and celebration.
What are you considering as your next great adventure?.

The Really Real Walked out of Dream Into Heart Space

L-R  Mother, Daughter, Father - together for the first time ever

Determined to experience this momentous occasion with full freedom to feel gratitude, I remained mindfully aware of my emotions at any given time. In response to my willing of the fullness of body/mind/emotion/spirit, I found myself saying out loud to myself, "I just can't grasp that this is really actually happening."

Our first outing was a drive to Bellevue to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. As we approached the restaurant, we couldn't help but notice that the street was decorated at each sidewalk light with a large white snowflake together with a drumming drummer. There was a choir somewhere performing the traditional carols with an updated dancing beat. I couldn't help but wonder if the angels had not arranged this whole extravaganza just so that we might formally begin our time together as a great celebration.

By the fourth evening for me and third evening for my daughter, I was beginning to reckon with the full acknowledgement that we were all, indeed, strangers with genetically interwoven linkages. I had attempted to be but a joyful participant observer of the meeting of father and daughter, but was realizing that I was woven right into the relationship, as were daughter's daughter and father's son.

Caroline, Paige, Kurt, Moi, Raoul at Pike Place Fish Market, Seattle, WA

I pride myself on my well developed ability to disidentify. Yet, here I was totally immersed in that which had been a dream for so many years and now was really real. There must have been love in abundance during this miraculous five day gathering. Really real reigned.  I cried, really cried for the first time since my daughter left my arms so many years ago.

Then Freedom opened its arms for remembering and feeling the loss which had ripped out my heart way back when. I was finally able to embrace it all and let it go.

Our final outing was at a waterfalls park. I found this to me a most appropriate setting to let spirit flow freely in and among our hearts, just as river falls over the ridge, into a pool below, before continuing on its journey.

  The past was approved. Pieces of spirit were returned to each others Souls. 

The future and the separate lives we lived suspended until our return. 

We walked in the beauty of the precious short time we were 

so very privileged to share together.

And now we are home. Nothing changed. Everything different.

How will the future be different, as now continues?

Thank You for the Music

 Music is, for me, a channel to connection with the emotional body.

Music is, for me, a channel to connection with the emotional essence of relationship to another, to others, to universal heart.

My Dad was a musician and our family was connected through his musical performing.

Most beaus I have chosen have been musicians and our hearts were connected through music.

I would also have to say that, without the music, both my Dad and my beaus were otherwise unavailable emotionally. This is to say, that, these relationships were not true love connections where heart space has freedom of expression in its pure form. I would even go so far as to say that these relationships were one sided, not about we, but about he. I was a tag along and always an outsider.

I would also have to say, that being connected emotionally with the freedom to express love is a basic human need. I do believe many studies have been done to prove the healing connective power of music in individuals and as well in communities. Movements ride into power through music.

When I am alone, I put on the music and connect with the universal heart. Creativity flows, and my emotional body dances with joy. This experience is healthy. But it is not enough. Living is not healthy if it is one sided, if it is performing music to maintain distance from real heart connection or if it is getting lost in music to maintain isolation from real intimacy of the heart.

What is missing today, in my life, in community life, in the world, is music which is mutually expressed and experienced - couples dancing, choirs singing, groups chanting...waves of music drifting through the air around the earth, transforming apathy to care, fear to courage, doubt to risk, diversity into unity.

Abba said it well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfM9gQkfwyg

May the music fill your holiday season with love filled circling of the dance of intimate connections of thearts

The Way of of Metamorphosis

The fruits of a long journey of growth.

A few years ago, I cleared my bookcase and stored all the books in sealed plastic,then sealed those packages in plastic bins and sealed them with duct tape. They, therefore,  survived the hurricanes, molding, and spider infestation. The book collecting and reading began in the early 80's and continued until about the end of the century.

Even though that is less than thirty years, I like the image it portrays of a long life's time. The books represent a metamorphosis - a journey way deep and high into the world of Spirit and therein, an intimate connection with Soul has been tasted.

I had stored the books in  six plastic tubs. As I pulled off tape and began to browse through the contents, a motivation emerged  to begin sorting the books in these plastic tubs.

One book, The Nameless Nobleman is an historical fiction, written about Francis LeBaron, who represents my origins in North America. This is one fourth of my family tree. Dr. LeBaron found his way to the Plymouth Colonies.

Another is Psychosynthesis Typologies, a small purple book, translated by Carol (now) Blanchard. This was my first introduction to psychosynthesis and was given to me when a colleague returned from the USA to our place in Kenya. It reansformed the way I saw the different styles of individuals in a group.

In New York City, I bought books for next to nothing at Strand's when a new book first came out. They are all first edition hardbacks.  Should I keep them forever so great grandchildren can auction them off for big bucks or pass them on while they are still up to date?

There are esoteric books given to me by Findhorn offshoots, all of Jean Houston's books, and at least thirty books on psychosynthesis. There are  self-help books with accompanying retreat manuals which reach to the ceiling, how to meditate books,  books written by personal friends and colleagues, and even natural healing books. To accompany my love for trying new foods, there are many cook books.

I put the books in piles according to when I remember reading and experiencing them. I named each pile for the stepping stone it represented. The journey, newly imaged as a result ,sent me on an inner spiral path rich with the transformative memories that accompanied the procurement of each book.  The books were not in and of themselves transformative. The encounters with the teachers, guides, and authors of these books facilitated the transformation.

Many, many. many events and encounters and book readings contributed to the metamorphosis. It did not happen overnight. The journey is not over. It is never over. The journey is ongoing.

There are more books, yes. But, there is the presence, especially, of the people who wrote them or gave them that have been the real guides on this journey. These gudes pass on the transformative power contained in each book.

Which books have been symbols of your own journey. Who led you to them?

Father and Daughter to Meet for the First Time

The Pomelos are ready for harvest

Yes, my daughter, Caroline, will soon meet her natural father, Kurt.

We are all headed for "a gathering of the clan" in December in Seattle area.

Granddaughter Paige,  grandson Justin (hopefully), granddaughter Kathleen (wishfully) and step-brother Raoul and I will be included. We will all have the privilege of witnessing this  miraculously rare completion of this 47 year circle of never knowing each other.

The result - a golden ring of finally becoming real. (Maybe the metaphor is "brass ring", but if it was, it turned to gold over the years.)

I am sure we are all curious about each other and contemplating how to create this circle, which ordinarily takes a life's time, in a few short days. I'm sure we all swing between desire to avoid it all and wild anticipation.

Father and a daughter will greet each other, fully acknowledging the bond that has always been there, embracing each other's existence, feeling gratitude and appreciation for this unconditional presence of life-long and latent love.

Seems like it just keeps on getting better.

One thing for sure. We each will carry away with us that golden ring, symbol of this extra ordinary moment  in our life's time. How we carry it, will depend on our own reflections.

Can anyone predict the future? Can we know our own reflections when this "gathering of the clan" is over and we all head our separate ways to continue on with our lives?

I find it incomprehensible that we all roll our eyes and sigh with relief that it is now done. We will have great fun and conversation, but deep down a shift in being will have occurred.

How do you process life-changing occasions? How do you get to the great juicy "Yes" of it all?

Treetop Reflections

Sunrise at the Atlantic Ocean, North Carolina, taken by Brian Lawrence

The trees were full of starlings -- hundreds of them. When a car would pass, they'd all fly away. Then they'd come back, a few at a time. Then another car would pass and they'd all fly away. Then they'd come back, a few at a time. When they were in the trees they'd chirp away and acorns would drop on the aluminum roofs, adding a drumming quality to the chirping and fluttering. I focused on this  performance by nature for a long while. Then, as if I were watching an air show, they flew this way and that in the open air into various formations. Then they all flew away to another group of trees on another block. I was so awed, I forgot to take a picture and hoped they'd come back the next day. But, they didn't.

Synchronicity stepped in and I received, the next day,  a video of a similar experience which occurred in Ireland.
http://vimeo.com/31158841 
Murmurations by Sophie Windsor Clive

Then a week later, I was watching the sun rise. I can watch it rise over the lake at this time of year in the little space between the houses across the street. Given that I have this privilege so rarely now, I arise eagerly to greet the sun. One day, the same trees which hosted the starlings, were filled again - this time with squirrels. One would suspect they were having a world conference. I listened to their chatter while watching the sun rise. Then, I closed my eyes and listened to them for a long moment.

Squirrel on the roof chatting with the cat on the lawn

 Each season holds its wondrous moments where nature reminds us, that in a life's time, there are seemingly endless opportunities to reflect on the vastness and depth of life experience.

How is it that such moments are possible in a world where environmental crisis reigns?

The Ego and I

Luna greets the morning sun and we give thanks.  Pic by Jane Cutler, VA, USA

The title of this blog is a take off from The Egg and I by Betty McDonald. The book spawned Ma and Pa Kettle and Old McDonald (the farmer who had a farm, I'm guessing), was translated into 20 languages, and has been the subject of lawsuits and controversy for stereotyping farmers from the state of Washington and Native American Indians there.

Her books really are very humorous, written in a time when such stereotypes were not being challenged, rather were accepted as the humor it was intended to be at the time. She wrote, I believe from a perspective she knew was not an authentic description of farmers and Native Americans, exposing the prevailing inauthentic mindset humorously. And, she wrote it from her own humbling experiences.

I'm thinking the Ego has been the subject of the same kind of challenging of its good intentions.

 The Ego, I would propose, is not the bigwig that Freud  made it out to be.  Ego is a mind/emotion part of the self that may be healthy or it may be unhealthy.

If everything I am, is all about me-me-me, then it is unhealthy.

A strong Ego, however,  I propose, is  needed in order to access a higher conscious, which I shall term Self with a capital S. The stronger and healthier the Ego, the more available is to this Self  - the place where Wisdom is born and abides, waiting to be accessed.

Sometimes a person with strong Ego comes off as "into him/herself", but when listening closely and watching how this Ego relates to the world around it , it may come as surprising that the Ego's strength is really a cauldron filled and overflowing with wisdom.

If the sharing of the wisdom sends with  the message that this sourcing of wisdom is for a privileged exclusive few, the Ego is unhealthy. If it is used to belittle the unawakened or to manipulate and control, the Ego is unhealthy.

Just as when our bodies are ill, we give them the attention they need in order to become healthy again, so it is with the Ego. In fact, the two may be dynamically interconnected, but that is another whole chapter.

The most inspiring people I can think of all have "Big Egos".  But, are they going on and on about themselves? No. They are sharing the wisdom and guiding others to its source.  These people write, sing, dance, sculpt, paint, design, orate, create, teach, counsel,  etc. etc. etc. with all their hearts, boldly, charismatically, but never with apologies for daring to expose themselves as they do.

These Big Egos humble themselves before us, sharing the presence of Wisdom from its source.

Given that proclamation, now I'm willing to consider the unhealthy ego  - that facet which is unaware of the damage it is doing to those around its self. Nobody is perfect as the picture I have just painted of a healthy Ego, of course. Healthy strong Egos do get carried away on many an occasion. But, I would submit that an unhealthy Ego needs attention. It radiates negativity, negative energy which hurts, slanders, negates, denies, abuses, whimpers,blames, excuses and empowers the big old victim and bully at the same time.

I truly do not believe that anyone is really willing such an impact on others.

How do you rate your Ego? What is it you are willing to be?

Meditating is very simple.

On the porch of the old house at Barberville Pioneer Settlement, FL

.

What shall I do?

I ask myself why I don't want to write blogs any more

My response is that I find them simpleminded and hardly competitive with my prolific and elegant writer colleagues.

However, it was never my intent to compete with anyone. My intent has been to reflect on experiences of my life's time and to share the love of reflection with those who would like to learn how.

Today, as a way of preparing for some deeper reflection, in hopes of not experiencing my product as simpleminded, I was meditating to a drumming piece which was followed by a chant, both of which I followed.

What I noticed for that hour was that no matter how gently I focused on my breathing and awareness of the effect of the music in my body, movie clip images were coming and going, a new one coming as soon as the last one was gone.

Instead of becoming frustrated with my inability to focus, I was reminded of a teaching on this reality, and proceeded to pay mindful attention to each thought, welcoming it into this space before letting it go.  This proved to be meditative ritual in and of itself.

I had an insight, which was really a message from my active imagination.

"Perhaps," it offered, "There is no deeper and more profound and more complex. Perhaps there is simply a coming into the fullness of what is here and now for you in this moment. Embrace it and welcome this into your home."

Who was the comedian who said, "Don't fight it, baby, it's bigger than both of us!" Same  insight, different audience.

What happened when I acknowledged the presence of the movie clips, letting them go was easy. Focusing on breathing in and out became a relaxing exercise, listening to the drumming and the chanting grounded me in the simplicity of mindfully being present - just being me.

There are so many ways to meditate and say, "Yes" to the way it is. What works for you?

Faery Tales Can Come True

Butterfly in plumbago along the fence

A very sweet and lovely 78 year-old  lady at the gym was beginning to act strange.

She had been joyous presence in our group. She'd bring in pictures of her triplet great grandchildren, her eight children, and twenty or so grandchildren and great grandchildren to show us. She had something wonderful to say about anyone whose name was mentioned.

One day, she stared into space instead of sharing her continual gleeful laugh during the workout. She left right away with a stoney glare. I was genuinely concerned, but my intuitions were telling me that she would be okay - just had something important to take care of.

The next day she came back. I could feel her lighter energy, but there was still a disconcerting look on her face. So, I struck up a conversation with her, asking her how she was. Needing to share, she  proceeded to blurt out what she had just been through. It was like listening to a TV detective show melodrama.

When she left the day before, she was on her way to court. A son of her fiance had filed charges against her for illegal trespassing and she had been arrested and released on bail. She had hired an attorney and this court date was ten months later.

Her fiance had been drugged, placed in a memory loss ward in the mental wing, and the son made himself executor of the estate and power of attorney.

The 80-year old man had not been ill at all. He was CEO of his a very successful business, had lost his wife to cancer, and was just getting back into the swing of things with his engagement to this lovely lady.

At the court date, charges were dropped, as might have been expected, and she did not have to pay a fine nor go to jail because she was not able to pay.

The judge turned to the son and ordered him to show proof of his side of the story within a certain number of days. His father had retained the same attorney, who just won the first half of his case. The attorney had already been working on the release of the man from his illegally coerced confinement.

"These things just don't really happen in real life," I found myself saying. But, they do, and this did happen.  And once again, as in faery tales and sometimes detective stories, there is a great possibility for a happy ending ever after. We are waiting for the outcome, but feel certain that the two lovers will be able to dance on into their real life faery tale.


I have no idea why a son would do that to his father. Do you? Will this couple get to live happily ever after?