Reflecting on the Gathering of the Clan

Since our great gathering of the clan in Seattle in December, and a meeting of grandson with grandfather later in the month, there has been a great pause in communication. I suppose this is a natural phenomenon as all stakeholders need time to relish the memory and process this surreal event in which we all participated.

I am accustomed to being around people who are expressive. I am expressive in writing, but in person, I am very guarded. The reason for this, I have decided is that when I have been expressive, it is rarely shared, unless with people who know me well.

There were moments during the gathering of our clan when I wanted to burst with joy and other times when I wanted to have a conversation. I sensed everyone was experiencing joy, but conversation remained superficial

 On one of our evenings together, I was just beginning to relax with this group. One remark did me in with its exclusionary tone.

But, that was my problem. We were all finding our ways into and around this drama of bonding. My problem was in not being able to other than take it personally at the time.

I am experiencing a sense that everyone present has returned to some semblance of a normal life and is getting on with our lives, remembering our gathering as significant, yet no longer overwhelming.

All of us have grown up in a world where feelings are supposed to be discounted, with no place in inter-relationships. This is a world in which the mark of a mature adult is one who doesn't show or maybe even feel feelings.

Fortunately the world is changing. Emotions are being acknowledged, expressed, processed, shared.

When I was young, I lost my temper when I was angry. I soon learned that it changed nothing and I didn't like who I was as a result. So, I adapted a "habit" of ignoring that which angered me. My favorite saying was from Aunt Bea who sat on my interior council ever reminding me that "God meant something good to come out of everything.".

This may be true of course, but there are times when it is good to get angry - good because anger is the feeling being experienced.   Why stuff it down?

For too many years - a half of a century in fact - I stuffed it down along with deep regret. Ignoring real feelings, repressing them, leaving them lie dormant, effected and affected every decision I made. I only share this much because it is relevant as I reflect on the gathering of this clan.

I came close to almost ignoring my feelings as they came up during the gathering, falling into the old pattern. I see myself almost as a zombie during that time. When the  tears of anger welled up, I could no longer hold them back.  Tears gushed all through the night. In the morning, I was finished. What I had been experiencing through the night was over and I was ready to feel good.

Nothing much had changed in the group dynamics, but I was feeling good, and I was authentically feeling. I am assuming that the process was as it was and that journey to being able to feel no matter what the response, was an almost fifty year breakthrough for me.

I don't have to stuff anything down anymore. Doors are opened wide. Connections have been made. Everyone knows each other and where to find each other now.

I have a feeling of being alone, but that is because I am alone really -not to be confused with the opposite of Oneness which I am also feeling.

I also have a feeling of completion because what I wanted most came to pass and is now a new take on the past.

I affirm the totality of  events and their accompanying feelings of this past two years: the reunion with my daughter, Caroline; meeting her children, Paige and Justin; attending the wedding of my first granddaughter, Kathleen, whose life I was not aware of before this;  meeting Caroline's parents, Paula and James; spending time with both Paige and Justin; Justin spending time with my sons, Rob, Russ, and Randy and grandson. Wilder; shopping and talking on the phone and pix on facebook and in emails; and the gathering of the clan in Seattle where Caroline met her natural father, Kurt, and his son. Raoul, and son's wife, Jenn; to learn of Kurt's daughter and passing of his wife.

 It is wonderful to learn what they are doing from time to time since then and to hear of possible connecting in the future.

In my heart, there is still a longing to be together, but this habitual pattern will fade away as the fullness of these past years slowly replaces that with a peaceful dance.