Parental Alienation Syndrome

I may not publish this, but I am going to write it from the tension between the knowledge I  on the subject and my own experiences encountering this phenomenon. I will describe the pattern and perhaps proceed from there.

Parent A and Parent B fall in love, get married (or make serious commitment to stay together), and have children. After many happy memories are made, and a lot of not so happy memories, Parent A abandons family.

Parent B is left to care for children and is unable to support family financially and/or emotionally.  Parent B abandons care for children and eventually gives responsibility to Parent A.

Having suffered abandonment by Parent B, Parent A becomes the hero by providing food, clothing, shelter, affection, teaching new skills, etc. This is all motivated by regret for having abandoned in the first place, since Parent B was not able to care for children.

Children bury resentment for original abandonment by Parent A, having all their basic needs met by Parent A.

Parent B eventually repents and children are legally returned to parent B. Parent B is now able to provide for and meet the basic needs of children. Children bury resentment, loving Parent B. An extra attachment is formed with Parent A from whom they are now domestically separated.

All is well. There are no hard feelings toward either Parent A or Parent B. However, there is a strong preference for Parent A and a loving  mistrust of Parent B's ability to make good decisions.

The buried resentment is misplaced onto new partners of both Parent A and Parent B. New partners are set up to reject any bonding with the children. Parent of the new partner must take sides. For many reasons unnamed, children win and partner is rejected. It is the children's revenge, however covert, for their parent's abandonment and subsequent suffering from basic  needs not getting met.

Another way of seeking revenge is one or more of the children, adult now,  becomes totally dependent on one of the parents , who, motivated by the unresolved guilt from abandoning the children, devotes full attention to the adult child who is unable to live independently.  This, of course, makes it impossible for the parent to nurture and tend to the new partner.

The adult children's psyches, as a result of the trauma of the original abandonment and burying it deep, have developed a pattern of destroying any possibility of moving on in a healthy  way. All are stuck in the mud, so to speak, of early years trauma.

Unhealed wounds influence  present partnerships of the now grown adult children: inability to bond with a partner of the opposite sex, overprotective with their own children, exaggerated independence or over dependence,   parent/child role reversals, displays of unexplainable rages, and fabricated defense for decisions and behaviors.

Truth can heal the wounds. Acknowledging  the pain, placing the source in the right place - the parents who inflicted the wounds in the first place, is the beginning point if healing is to proceed.

Sometimes, for the adult children, the healing happens naturally with the death of the parents. The adult children are left with no one  to return the hurt they had suffered. They can either spend the rest of their lives resenting the new partners who no longer are in a position to receive the onslaught anyway. Or they can get on with their lives and heal their own partner and children alienation patterns.

This description of parental alienation syndrome is an interpretation of research on the subject in the position of having to move on with my own life.

 I let go of any attachment to the web of relationships which caused such pain and suffering in my own heart. I understand deeply the suffering of the adult children who have developed the pattern of parental alienation syndrome. I cannot heal their deep wounding, but I will be aware of it  should I ever encounter it again. No, I will not handle it differently next time. I will simply not put myself in a situation which could cause me harm. I will respond with loving kindness from a safe distance.

On the other hand, should a next encounter be awareness of the suffering of someone I know, I will be there to support healing.  A lesson learned is a teaching opportunity.

My wish is that this blog has brought a new awareness to senseless suffering which can be alleviated by understanding the cause that has produced the pain filled trauma.  Is there a resentment in your relationships that needs healing?

On Being Woman

Although I had a few options on how I would spend New Year's Eve, I chose an all women pajama party at a friend's home. We are all n our seventies. Our partners for life have left this incarnation. We meet, most times, every Thursday for dinner at a local restaurant.

I could have spent the evening on the river, having brought my pot luck dish, watched the fireworks, sat by the yule log,  and interacted with a happy crowd of folk as they became totally inebriated.  I cannot say I did not enjoy those good old days. However, that no longer appealed to my sense of what this year and the upcoming year are  - except for the fireworks and the yule log.

I could have spent the weekend in a retreat of new beginnings with a sangha in Tampa. I am sure I would have experienced it as most meaningful. However, even though I would have been in a community of like minds, I knew none of them really well and would have had to travel a long distance and find a place to stay.

For the first time since I was younger, dressed to the nines,  and could dance all night while  sipping my share of champagne (about twenty years ago), I noticed I was having an amazing evening. I felt comfortable being me,  a woman alone, sharing an important celebration with others I know. We had no pressure to be other than women, dressed comfortably, sharing our lives, noshing on gourmet finger foods and sipping wine.

Later on at home, I crawled into bed, reflecting on how happy I was at that moment. As I settled into full relaxation, I reflected on the many New Year's Eves I had lived. Women who had pioneered the value, purpose and rights of the gifts of being woman, wove in and out of my conscious awareness. Their determination to move toward equality in society included much suffering.

 I was grateful for their pioneering determination. I was grateful for the wounding I suffered in being in the workplace and being me in a marriage with traditional  expectations during the radical entrance of  feminine energy into the mainstream during my  lifetime. I was grateful that this New Year's Eve was possible as bells of a new beginnings ring out for humankind.

Aging has its graces. Have you been happy lately just being who you are? Are you determined to be your natural compassionate self in response to the suffering in the world of which none of us can avoid being aware?