Poem

Poems. Images upon images of life experience, all metaphor and all real in the same phrase. Twenty years ago, I set out to write enough poems to publish in one book. Below is one of the two poems I wrote since that time. The one I'm not writing here is called, I Am No Slut and has images from The Woman Who Runs With the Wolves by Estes - Baba Yaga for instance. Written to myself, it served its purpose and needs no repeating.
This one poem still expresses my life twenty years later. I experience its images differently, tis all.


Gentle Sweet Wildness
When did you leave me so alone -
A silent breeze in a whispering pine wood field?
Loving,
Weren't you to be here forever -
A sunset changing the colors of your sky?
Forever is a full moon holding midnight on a swampland lake,
Just as the night ends, is a moment of breathless death.
Then the sun rises on a new day.
Nature's choir chants live.
Soul is Dancing.
Healing Begins.
All One.
Alone.


This is a version. It changes with each reading. The somewhat indigenous people who live in the outer islands of South Carolina refer to that moment of breathless death as "dayclean". I will sit on the porch just before sunrise just to hear this moment: night sounds - no sounds - one chirp - two chirps - many chirps (and maybe a boat leaves the dock), and the day opens to a new opportunity to live a great day!

One poem holds it for now.

And you? What's your poem? How has it changed?

Mandala

Creating an artform, using any medium, can be effective in processing emotional overload. There have been times, when children came into the Guidance room that talking it out was a futile effort. At these times, I would pull out a circle shaped piece of paper, water colors, colored pencils, clay, scissors and a bag of colored pieces of cloth, paste, and whatever else I could find that could be used to create an artform. I had a big box full of these supplies and added to them as something new presented itself as worthy of the box. I would provide instructions: fill the circle, choosing the content by what feels right. I would show a few examples of a mandala for the child as a brief image of how to proceed. There never was a time when the invitation to do this was refused. When done, I would ask the child to tell me a story about the result. Sometimes, the story telling needed the asking of many questions to get it told. I asked why a color was here and a shape there and an empty space somewhee else. I asked what feelings accompanied an action. I wrote down the answers and we looked at the story together. With the mandala creation in front of us, I then would ask the child to talk about how it was s/he was in the Guidance room.

I had been to several workshops on mandala creation and had the eyes to see through the mandala to the root of the problem, Instead of interpreting it for a child, I used my knowledge base and my intuition to create the questions that would be a guide through the volcano of emotions. Creating the mandala also provided a distancing from the cause of the upset, while serving as a mode of processing.

It does not make a hoot of difference that I can diagnose someone else's malaise. Those creating the artform, are creating an artform of their own lives. Those lives, to be lived fully, need to be interpreted by the creator of the artform.

We are always in the process of creating our own mandalas. Occasionally, it is a fun way to reflect on where we are on the journey at a particular time. Here is a website page which has examples of mandalas (complete with mantras):
www.tzaellachiera.com/?gclid=CIS638yAjZ4CFRaenAodKEQ5o

Create a mandala yourself. Write down its story. Ask yourself, "Where am I on the journey of it's creation?" "What next?"

Taking Care of Yourself

I believe and am totally committed to human beings taking responsibility for their psychological and physical health - with the help of all that history has created so far. The technological revolution alone did not invent enough to get the job done alone. Tuesday, I went to the cardiologist to get the results of a stress test that i finally had agreed to after a year and a half. It might help to mention that I had congestive heart failure two years ag0. I opted not to have the mitral valve replaced, choosing to live with atrial fibrilation, an enlarged atrium, and an irregular heartbeat to boot. I work with a nutritionist and also agreed to a physician's three prescriptions to reduce the risk of death by heart failure. Anyway, the cardiologist reported that nothing new presented itself in these tests. He did remark that I appear to have improved and am amazingly healthy considering the condition of my worn out old heart.

There are many people to whom I am grateful for my physical state.
Firstly, I am grateful for Louise Hay. I learned affirmation from her little book, Heal YOur Body. I read everyhing she has written, and practice everything she recommended.

Secondly, I am grateful to Carolyn Myss. I've read everything she has written, made a retreat out of the books which were workshops, especially Entering the Castle.

Thirdly, I am grateful to Gary Craig who has made pressure point balancing so accessible to all.I was introduced to "tapping" by another person for whom I am grateful - Martha Crampton (a pioneer in Psychosynthesis). I tried it, and purchased The EFT (emotional freedom technique) Manual to be a guide in this process.

Now that I have begun writing about those for whom I am so grateful for being able to take responsibility for my health, I am sure I could write a whole reference book. Written here are just the tip of an iceberg of techniques, resources, philosophies, and approaches that complement traditional health care providers. Healthy is not about living longer, or forever. Rather, it's about feeling good, about enjoying the passing of a day at a time, being able to focus on your life's work, dancing with limitations and possibilities. I believe that everyone I know has other ways of healing than just going to a doctor, taking a pill, having a treatment, or having surgery.

What are your beliefs about health care and how do you take care of your own psycho-physical well being?

Father

When my father died in 1982, I returned from Kenya for the funeral. We lived in an area of upstate New York which was mostly small towns and villages. My father was tall blond and handsome, a very popular man. He sang bass. He had sung with Glen Miller's band at the Aragon in Chicago, recorded with Kate Smith, and enjoyed the bass roles in local theater musicals. He was mostly known for his singing in the church. First in Grace Church Cathedral boys choir as a soprano, with his three brothers, and later as the bass soloist in every concert, and in the big Presbyterian church..
The night before I left for Kenya, two years earlier, my mother, father, , one of my brothers and I went to a fancy restaurant where big band era hits were playing live. That was my last time spent with my father. We danced while he sang along with the band, and did not let the pain causing trembling in his left arm, nor my gentle protests that we sit down, interrupt his dancing with me. When I left the next day, I knew this was the last time we would be together.
It isn't that I had such a great relationship with my father. Yes, he was the nurturing one of both parents. He was also an alcoholic and our lives did revolve around his ups and downs and his life as the musician. He kept tight reins on my comings and goings. My boyfriends either feared or idolized him, neither of which helped in my developing the ability to form good healthy relationships with them. But, father is a powerful symbol, nonetheless. My father, because of his ability to bring the Great Mystery into the presence of all who listened to him singing, was a particularly powerful symbol.
The memories of many Christmastime concerts rode with me to Little Falls for the annual singing of Handel's Messiah.. That my father would not be singing the bass parts, did not go unnoticed in my anticipation - and dread - of the evening. The soloists were all young and talented performers. As well, the choir was fully angelic. My father was particularly famous for his ability to resound loudly on the lowest of notes. I was remembering those moments when my heart got caught in my throat. When the bass began to sing, "Who shall stand when He appeareth?", my heart stopped. The bass was talented and well trained and obviously loved what he was singing. But, when it came to the low low notes, there was no sound. He could not hit those low low notes. I began to cry uncontrollably. Although I was embarrassed, the tears refused to cease. This was a moment of pure and simple clarity. My father was really gone from this earth. To have to have this "aha" experience in this way, was cruel and unjustified. At the same time it was a letting go, a relief.
I was left alone with the memory of that archetype, who was also really my father, which occasions the presence of the Great Mystery.
There were times after that, when my father would make contact with me. Whether this is an actual fact, or a metaphor for life-like memories, they nevertheless brought with them that presence of the power of the Great Mystery.

How does the power of the Great Mystery present itself to you?

The Balancing Act

"You can't sit on this porch for the rest of your life like this!" said Lyn. "We are going dancing and that's it!". I hadn't been out socializing for six months. I would go to work, come home, sit on the porch, and write. The book was finished and the computer had just crashed that afternoon before I saved the massive editing job I just did. It was the day after Thanksgiving 1997. We drove the 12 miles out to the river where a band was blaring out some relatively high quality music for a country bar in a fish camp. Lyn went there often, so had her dancing partners all lined up and was off, beckoning me to ask someone to dance. I wasn't about to do that - women didn't ask men to dance. It was the other way around in my book!! While struggling with the courage to ask anyway, a pencil thin tall drink of water was in front of me with his hand out. "What the heck", I thought and let him lead me to the dance floor. He was not one for conversation, but then, neither am I. So, silently he led me through a cross between a country two-step and a tango. He actually was quite good and I was quite clumsy, out of practice with the art of being flexible and spontaneous as I was. We danced an then he was gone. Vanished! Poof - with a cloud of smoke!!
I sat there for what seemed like forever while Lyn spent the entire time on the dance floor and if no one was there to dance with her, she danced with herself. She was having a joyous time.. I was envious of her decision to just go ahead and dance. I remembered when I was like that. I was jolted out of my dream world by a hand in front of me, held out as an invitation to dance with him. No words, no encouragement other than the hand out refusing to back off. I rose and let myself be led once again to the dance floor. After a fast dance, a two-step, and a hugger-up slow country sad song, I knew his life's story and never had to say a word. I do recall that evening as having danced all night.
Sometimes I wonder where Lyn is now. Does she still dance? Is she joyous - spontaneous and free flowing? Whereever she is, she returns as a messenger on my meditative council. Her message arrives on those occasions when I am tempted to just sit on the porch night in and night out. With her comes that hand reaching out to lead me to the dance floor.
Passing the time on the porch is very relaxing especially watching the moon rise over the lake. But,then there is the dancing. That's equally important. That's where the balancing act happens - the quiet solitary time and the interactive social time.

What gets you off your reflective butt and out onto the dance floor of your life?

The Performer Archetype in the Classroom

Seeing through the eyes of Psychosyntesis in a classroom has been valuable research. My last year in public education, I co-taught in an American History class. Co-teaching, for those of you who are not familiar with the term, is defined as two teachers sharing the load equally, at least one being certified to provide intervention for students with disabilities (me), and at least one being certified to teach the subject (Dotty). Dotty was not open to this situation and had little skill or tolerance for those who did not fit the norm. The whole year was an unresolved struggle between us. We may have actually worked "together" 15 or 16 days during the year. Early on, After six months of her refusing to share the load and me working one-on-one with kids, I decided it was time for a change. Sitting down together with admnistrators mediating did not work. After giving it some thought, I decided to try an experiment. I put on subpersonality feedback loop glasses with the intent of balancing the dynamics in the classroom. Describing the realitiy of these opposites was easy. Their nature, yes, but corresponding archetypes, no. Finally, I settled on the performer. In the manner of a true artist, Dotty would lecture on American History, totally engrossed in her very knowledgeable presentation. I, also in the manner of a true artist, led participation into experiencing the performance's intent, - as coreographer and the musical accompaniment might. When we were able to work together like this, students would learn. When we didn't, stludents either fell asleep, or kept themselves busy elsewise or I would work one-on-one and tutor them as needed.

Knowledge of subject is important. Tools to implement are important. Equally. An actor's monologue falls on silent ears without the audience's interest. A dancer's interpretation goes unseen without eye catching attention. As the cliche goes - it takes "two to tango"! The performer exists when both dynamics are presented in a balanced way to communicate the intent of a performance - or in the case of the classroom - a lesson's intent.

At this time, where are you needing to bring a quality of your personality back into balance?.

Grand Academy,lower east side Manhattan, is where I began my journey in public education. I had been a substitute teacher that year in Junior High School #21. When students' behavior was so bad - like having committed a crime - that they were expelled from JHS#21, then were enrolled in Grand Academy. It was on the second floor of a community center close to the "real" school. My job was to finish the year there as a a permanent sub, teaching World History to 7th, 8th, and 9th graders. I was taking the place of a young handsome man with a pony tail. Students enjoyed his class. I, with minimal class room management skill, and very little social appeal, had my hands full. The idea was to capture their attention and hold their interest for the duration of the class, and have that attention somehow focused on World History.

With a small grant ffom a colleague's foundation, I created and implemented a set of lesson plans for the six months which included a trip to the United Nations and the nearby neighborhood, Loisaida, for a tour by the leaders. The students were all of Puerto Rican descent. Most of them lived within this human development project neighborhood). The students experienced the six major Ur cultures by a day with food, tradional dress, music, dance, ambience, and explanation of the origin of each perspective. I picked small sections of the text for each new encounter, introducting them to the geography's role in creating the culture. This all caught their attention enough to learn some of the terms and people they needed to know.

When report cards came outmany didn't get "A"s, as they were accustomed to getting from the young man in the pony tail. There was an angy onslaught on parents night, complete with sticks and threats on my very being. Oddly enough, my responses were satisfactory as parents heard that I cared about their children succeeding, how well they were progressing, and that I, in fact, was enjoying their being in my classes. I actually was surprised that a stance of unconditional positive regard worked. My inclination otherwise would be to walk away angry at the outrage of it all.

The rest of the twenty years in public education was not much different. That was the only time I got to teach World History. Taught children with disabilities for awhile, was a Guidance Counselor for most of the years, and then did consultation with students with disabilities and their teachers. There is a library full of learnings in that twenty years, the greatest of which, I did not master - that being one who is en-joying having a job in an institutional setting.


And you? Do you en-joy your work?

"A PBS presentation of Bob Dylan had just finished. I was overcome with a sense of yearning to have been Bob Dylan My passion thru that period of radical cultural metamorphosis was expressed so clearly in Bob Dylan's poetry. The yearning continued as I reflected on the underlying cause of these feelings. I wanted to have been a significant contribution to those radically changing times. I’ve had as little or as much going for me as he did. I remember how he took what rudimentary skill he had and let it develop to match his passion. Perhaps, I and thousands of others, in reality, were all Bob Dylans and more. Perhaps, today, I can just be me with my finger on the heartbeat of the times. It’s a whole new time, a whole new beat of the heart, and I know I’m not the only one yearning to leave this memory of passion for social change and respond to a whole new metamorphosis in the process of coming into being. I may have a day or a year or 20 years to be on this earth. I feel the kairos of the moment screaming to be heard. Not for my own sake but for the freeing of the SOUL of Earth itself. Nothing to probe – only to BE."


In which social crisis are you hearing the call to respond?

Unconditional Love and Forgiveness

Every time I think about re-engaging in anything I did 45 years before now, or have been doing for this 20 years, my meditative council congests my heart with reasons why I should not go that road.

I have many successes to claim during my life. I also have many failed attempts. I could go on about successful integration of Psychosynthesis and Imaginal Ed into a career, too. But, there is only one accomplishment that is worth mentioning, really. I have learned and am still learning unconditional love and forgiveness - for others' woundings as well as for my part in the wounding and holding on to the pain.

The place I go to calm the suffocating feelings, occasioned by memories, is to step into my own heart, have a seat, let the council members have their say, and then open the flaps to the brlilliant white healing light of the Higher Self.

Regrets and resentments are transformed into blessings, gifts, unexpected results, learning experiences, growth opportunities, dancing metaphors...turning away from the past, facing the future, right here and now.

How do you forgive and let go completely?

A n Integrative Life Guide

I believe I have everything I need now and can turn my attention toward what I want - strange feeling to not need anytning at all - a relief in many ways. What I want, however, opens up a vast and deep abyss of pure possibility. So much so, I have to take a break right now and take something to the post office - or go to the bank - or check the mail. (3 minutes later)Well, check the mail was a good move. The latest AAP (Association for the Advancement of Psychosynthesis) newsletter was in the box. Right on the front page is the announcement of the 2010 conference, the theme of which is "Creating the World We Want". Reminds me of Piero Ferrucci's What We May Be, a must read if serious about Psychosynthesis.

Some readers may be asking, "What is this Psychosynthesis?" A short course to answer is that is that it is an inclusive image of the Psyche - inclusive of other philosphies, and of being human. At Psyche's center is the Will - or what I want and the process of Psychosynthesis is one of aligning all the parts of my Self to empower the Will. Important in this process is to integrate the presence of the Higher Self into this empowerment.
I did some of my training in an Integrative Therapies, It was a three year program of exploring other approaches to empowering people, in order to integrate the gifts of these approaches into my Psychosynthesis practice. For the most part, I then integrated Psychosynthesis into my work as a Guidance Counselor in the public school system in the USA.

Given that, the question "what do I want?" is not a selfish question, yet it is a question of Self. For me to begin to answer this question can also be expressed as "standing in my vision": My vision for how I will live my life, for where I will live my life, who I will be my colleagues, for what purpose will my life be lived.

What I want - really want - is to channel Spirit as a guide for indiviudals, and groups to integrate Spirit into their livestyles I am creating anew what that means. I recently read a descriptive title for this: Integrative Life Guide. That's it. That's what will carry what I really want into this new phase of life.

How about you? What do you want? What do you really want?