I and Resolve are Remembering

Well, I'm out of money to spend and can not remember the last time I have been in such a predicament.

In truth, it has triggered the remembering of many times I have been out of money in my life.

I'm remembering eating rice only for a month straight just so I could afford coffee and cigarettes.
Gross remembrance considering all I could have purchased instead of cigarettes. Coffee? No, that was a basic human need then.

But, there were even harder times when I was out of job with no signs of hope ahead, no clients, no cigarettes, and no coffee. I applied for food stamps, but was rejected because I owned too much. So, I had a huge yard sale which produced two months relief, which was all I needed. If I hadn't learned how already, I successfully managed my new money with exceptional scrutiny.

Today, being out of money is a different animal with which to reckon. Comfort of home, stock of food, garden, closet full of clothes, tank of gas in the car which should last until the end of the month, leaves me with nothing about which to be angry, and only to wait until the first of the month.

How many people are there in the world who literally are starving, have no clothes, no shelter, and no first of the month to wait for?  Why, in this world where all is available, are there so many in this condition? The poor will always be with us, well and good, but the poverty today is here in my community and everywhere.  And it isn't all right.

 My present "suffering" only reminds me of what's going on in the world around me. Relatively, I am rich. I feel very wealthy, not compared to being abjectly poor, but cause I have had the energy to be resourceful.

Do I want to alleviate poverty? Well, yes. But, even more so, I desire to be among those in the great spirit movement of our time - that transformative power which gives people the impetus to make choices,  ability to be resourceful, access the creative source, self-confident in the sustainability on this planet that is occasioned by good will choices.

Is this too much to ask?

Reflection on a Year Past

From a seemingly endless list of earth shaking news events this year, those that left the most lasting impression on my own psyche are: the royal wedding, Arizona fires, Earthquake/Tsunami/nuclear disaster in Japan, Occupy Wall Street, and football coaches as pedaphiles. I feel a resolve emerging from my heart for a response  that contributes to a vision of a healthy planet.

My 2011 New Year's Resolution was to actually travel and experience, in person, connections with others and what they are doing, make some long overdue visits to dear friends and loving family, and for Caroline to meet her natural father, Kurt.

 The year's big events went something like this:

January - Paige, Justin, and I went to Kathleen's wedding. Kathleen is my first born genetic grandchild.

February - In Colquitt, GA participated in Creative Communities Conference

March - Attended Randy Canoda's retirement with Dick - Randy's father of choice, flew to Phoenix for Profound Journey Dialogue - rebirth of a life changing course,  spent a great week with Connie - high school chum and former sister-in-law, and had dinner with Judy and Jim Wiegel - dear colleagues of yore.

April - Attended psychosynthesis Presenter's Conference in Amherst,then a Steering Committee Retreat to work on a new digital infrastructure, and at the end, met Caroline's parents - the lovely couple who adopted her.

May - Became co-chair of AAP.

June - Led retreat and attended Foundations Course in Burlingame, CA, had lunch with cousin Joan, and short visits with Celeste and Jeri

September - Flew to Oklahoma to visit Randy, Stephanie, and Chris - included TX World Horse Championship, spent a day together with wise women - Conna, Jan, and Pat, as Jan led us through "Finding Your Heart Song".

November - Led annual AAP meeting as  a successful teleconference  - a famous first. Went our for Halloween on my own.

December - Led Steering Committee Retreat in Memphis, THEN flew to Seattle,  where Caroline finally met Kurt, her natural father, for the very first time.

Although the year was over after that miraculous week, I could say that the rest of the year was a grand celebration of a year well worth living. Two days before Christmas, when an empty day loomed apparent, I invited everyone I saw for Christmas day brunch. Fourteen people came for the celebration, hosted by me, the new Auntie Mame for a day.

Then on New Year's Eve, I went to Lake George with Dick, watched a yule log blaze, went down to the lake for fireworks, and then gazed into the base of the yule log - into its firey heart - for a long time. The next day I sat by the remnant embers of the yule log and meditated into the joy of being at ease, relaxed, and experiencing refreshing resolve for a whole new year ahead.

In 2012, I will write the story of Caroline's journey. I will be more involved in my community. I will travel to Italy for the International Psychosynthesis Conference and to upstate New York for a 50th high school  reunion. I just attended an ICA 50th reunion gathering (which is on my list).

Carol, Terry, George, Judi, Bob, Cynthia. Mike and Judith in front, gathered for a first of 50th Anniversary of ICA events.

I will also work together with my team to guide AAP into a new place where momentum builds again and growth resumes.

Sometimes, wonder emerges from mundane resolve to reach out to the world around and actually interact. All business completed for this life's time, I will go dancing into the future's end.

How's it been for you this past year?  What's happening now as you gaze into the future?

Solitary Time With Psyche

Songaia, Bothell, WA, Community Garden December 2011

Processing time is difficult with so many distractions to feed an avoidance pattern.

On the other hand, distractions can be a time of incubation, while Psyche does a deeper processing.

So, unwittingly, I have kept myself distracted for a couple three weeks instead of struggling to keep distractions from the solitary time I need to process.

When Psyche is ready, there will be no distractions. There will only be time with Psyche.

When Psyche is ready, I will wake up with insights which I need to bring into conscious awareness and to interact.

I will be sitting drinking coffee from my new cup and a conversation will proceed with a personified energy in my imagination. I like to feel that I am actually in discourse telepathically with the real person, but suspect otherwise. The conversations will easily be productive.

I will become irritated with someone, stop, find the same dynamic within my own thought process, and address it instead. I will become irritated at a memory of something another said or did, and find the same pattern within myself and address it instead. Sometimes, remembering to do this takes a little time, but this irritation increases until I do acknowledge it, give it energy, and address it.

One very difficult energy I am beginning to process is a part of me which wants to be married and an equally strong energy which is very independent. So, dependence and independence are duking it out these days. As has been the case for many years if not forever, independence has the upper hand, dealing the low blows keeping dependence paralyzed. A balance of the two would open a door for interdependence, allowing both free spirit and common care to dance together.

The internal turmoil is a bit of a drain.

The urgency to process at this time of life began, when a man who I once wanted very much to marry many years ago, recently looked straight at me and said, "I don't want to get married.". He then waxed on with a delightfully compelling scenario of one who lives as a free spirit.

This triggered in me a series of silent questions, right then and there (I wonder how he was responding to my seemingly blank stare,: "So what else is new?" and; "Why are you telling me this?" and; "Have I given you the impression that I want to marry you?" and; "You mean to tell me that I am not irresistibly gorgeous?" and ; "Is this statement coming from a half a century ago and just n ow arriving to be heard, and finally; "Is he simply mirroring my Psyche's will for me?"

Of course, his statement primarily, if not exclusively, is from his own projections on where he is right now on his journey of a life's time. Nevertheless, it occasioned, in me, a wondering about why it is that I am single, very independent, and so very solitary.

This internal dialogue, now catalyzed by that one statement which came initially from  yore's time, will be one I will process this year, with no particular expectations except that I will experience a deep resolution about being who I am now and who I am becoming now.

Where are you struggling with commitment - personally and socially?

About Love - Lesson of a Life's Time

Received the nessage in this blog from this yule log's heart

From now on, all is Love.

All adventures are now joyous encounters with he presence of the present in which Love resides.

What I have learned this year is that I love. Yes, I love. When I say I love you, you don't have to expect there to be conditions attached. When I say I love you, I just love you because I do.

Why wouldn't I love you? You are most loveable.  I could hate you or resent you, or find you disgusting, or not want you around. Nevertheless, I would still  love you.  One image of this love is Damien kissing the leper right on the lips. Another image I have of this love is Zorba dancing at the seaside. Another image I have of this love is touching noses with my kitty cat, Another image is the song from Gilbert and Sullivan, "I love the mountains, I love the rolling hills, I love the flowers, I love the daffodils, I love ... Boom-de-a-da..."

I will no longer be put off by the reserve of another who balks at, "I love you".  I don't love you because I gave birth to you, or because I bore your children, or because I idolize you,  or because we have shard special moments (if you know what I mean!!),or for any other reason.

I love you because you and I are One with the All of Creation - which is the heart of Love itself.

Being in the presence of Love,  

One in this space of Love. 

Then, Loving together. 

This Love that I have learned in this life's time, I will now practice until it's time to move on into the next life's time.

I love you. I really love you.

So, are there any questions you may now have about "I Love You"?