From Seeds Planted to Life Today.

I owe it to myself to write a counter image of high school years, one which I also experienced on the great roller coaster called adolescence.

All boyfriends aside - a phenomenon which took up a great deal of space on that timeline - I willed my memory to search for seeds planted which have grown to be the me I am today.

Countless ventures, groups, and skills race by my internal video screen, all of which nurtured the seeds.

None came anywhere near being filled with overwhelming love for being alive as did ...
Mrs. Bauer's  dancing classes where she taught us to express joy physically,
Mrs. Samuel's and Mrs. Magendanz's patience at piano lessons,
George Wald's passionate choir direction and masterful organ playing,
Mr. Golden's intense obsession with our writing from our hearts -  even as journalists ,
Art instructors at the Munson-Williams who encouraged us to  manifest what we saw and were feeling,
Phyllis Diller's sense of humor,
Mr. Yorra's encouragement to do your 100% plus best,  and
 Ms. Reinman's ability to take us to the source of imagination  to experience the story or poem.

Accompanying all of these was a mystical sense of self-discipline, a lot of which hasn't manifest even today. Progress is good!!!

Life's traumas are a gift as well. How they came to be so is a mystery. I was clear at twenty, that being a change agent for individuals and communities was written in the Akashi records-  and the stars -  for my life, my husband's and our children as well.  We had one great adventure as change agents in changing times.

All those seeds which had been planted deep in my being, then began to bloom as a counselor - a guide into the world of Spirit - a place of unconditional love and acceptance of what has been, what is, and what can be.

These days, I look for the signs of the same seeds having been planted in world leaders and those people who are working with abject poverty, with PTSD victims, with chronically abused children, as nsocial activists,as  burned out educators, and as other agents of social change.

I do know that there will be no lasting change without creative/artistic energy blooming in these circles of the future.

Who planted the seeds of who you are today, how you feel, and what you will? Who are you today, how do you feel, and what do you will for the future of this planet and for your own life?

Adolescence is Traumatic Enough

Mother of the World by Nicholas Roerich

It wasn't until I saw the movie, "Carrie" and identified with her, that I thought it was time to process  a really bad experience in my teenage years. Carrie in the movie was a very exaggerated caricature of  of an extremely traumatic experience of adolescence. The movie delivers a huge punch in the gut packed with emotion that accompanies a tragic reality, one which has been dumped on a girl now and then. This includes me.

The boys next door, a bit older than I, were, like their sisters, me, and my brothers, left on our own for most of the time to figure out how to make our way in the world. The boy next door,  a handsome James Dean of a creative/artistic type, enjoyed sharing stories of his sexual conquests. I was included in these fictitious conquests and quickly gained a reputation as an "easy lay" at the ripe old age of 13.

Another dynamic which came into play about the same time, maybe as a result of nis stories, but maybe not,  were the Flag Street boys. They were a gang of wanna-be studs who were known to brag, also, of their wanna-be  conquests. I was definitely on their most wanted list of prey.

At a school dance, a group of frat-athlete types who ran in a pack as it were anyway, created a line, taking turns breaking in from the other to dance with me. It took exactly three changes for me to realize they were mocking me. I have often wondered why they thought that was a cool antic.

I am not saying I didn't have something to do with the believability of all this. I was needy for affection, as were so many of us at that age. But, not more so than many others in the growing dysfunctional malaise of the end of the Fifties.

As a School Counselor, I encountered this problem in the student body more often than not each year. Empathizing each and every time, I was able, from having worked through my own experience of this   dynamic,  to easily raise the right questions - both to the boys and to the girls.  It was happening in fourth and fifth grade, which I found difficult to believe. But, there definitely was the bragging on  about sexual  prowess - elementary, middle, and high school age.

I suppose a certain amount of this is to be expected, and in today's world it isn't just the boys doing the bragging. The girls are good at keeping a running count of their own sexual acts, too. One difference today is that the conquests are real and socially acceptable - speaking here in generalities.

When a girl, and it is mostly a girl, gets targeted and cruelly exploited, and finds herself hurting as a result, if she isn't already seeing herself as worthless, the emotional damage of this kind of abuse cuts to the core of self-esteem, ripping her heart out, leaving a numb and empty space.

She experiences herself, as in "Carrie",  as deliriously happy to be accepted and to be at the arm of a really cute guy, and crowned prom queen - only to be rained upon by pigs blood.

 It takes a long time and a lot of support for healing to occur.

Today, I can reflect back on it with an understanding of the difficulty it is to be a teenager - victim or bully.  It is all part of the emotional roller coaster and insecurity of  adolescence.

The "Carrie" story was a gross exaggeration, but not so far from real for a chosen few innocents.

 I'm sure this all too common traumatic incidence is one of the main reasons I became a Counselor.

Being a kid was a lot of fun in many ways, too. Pain and joy untold, as Nikos Kazantzakis  put it, however never does take away the scar of being the one so traumatized that is slays an entire self-concept.

These victims might just as well have been gang raped, and, in some few cases, are.

All of us have had to recover from one tragedy or another in their lives, maybe quite different in content. Surely as an adult, the scars are tolerable, but maybe not. 

What was a traumatic experience for you as a youngster?