Photo compliments of Gaute Mehl, Norway.
I began to write a book about reuniting with Caroline, my daughter. I had completed 140 pages, which I was saving on an external hard drive. I simply do not know what happened - but the next time I opened it up to work on it, it was gone,
Blank Page
I had cried through the writing of every single scene. And in the reflective process involved in remembering back 46 years, a lot of stuff came up that I had long since forgotten.
Fortunately, I have enough training and experience to process. One main question I asked myself was, "How did I get so wild?"
Well, those who know me, know that is my basic nature, subdued as I have a tendency to be. The added element, which I have since learned not to include in my life, was weekend beer, booze, bourbon, and bacchanalia!
When my mother threw me out of the house, after I graduated from high school, I set out to make it on my own. I went through four or five jobs while going to school, and as many apartments, but only one Loose Relationship, before I woke up pregnant.
I was happy to find out I was "with child", unreasonable and illogical as that may seem. Dear sweet Loose Relationship and I, as sure as I was that he was the love of my life, had parted ways by the time I was about to sober up (in other ways, too) and get it all together.
A whole lot of guilt, regret, humiliation, if-onlys and self-condemnation came up while I was remembering way back then. I began to wonder how I could look myself in the mirror let alone go on with this very successful life's time I have come to be living.
With the book gone, I began to see that while writing it, I had acknowledged the reality of and let go of the closet called book of secrets and whose door is called judgment. I had opened the door, flooded those secrets with light, and let that period of my life come on out.
While I was dancing this new freedom, within that Presence available to everyone - that which is beyond reason and logic - I had an insight which carries me know into the future.
New page, yet to be written upon. Write the book from a healed-now perspective.
And the most precious gift of all - my daughter in my life and I in hers.The book will be about the gift that we have been given.
When, for you, have such traumatic losses become opportunities to write a whole and perfect story?
7 comments:
Judi, again you have revealed the grace happening that transforms. What an experience...out of all those experiences. I like the new page of the story that heals. With care and love, Lynda
Suggestion: take external drive to a bona fide local computer company and tell them you need info recovery service. I know you have let go and moved on, but you may seriously want the assistance of recalling certain experiences that had been long forgotten. Susan
Take that hard drive to a computer specialist and have them retrieve it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dot
Hello
Thanks for writing this blog, loved reading it
Wow all I can say is that you are a great writer! Where can I contact you if I want to hire you?
I am full of admiration and positive feelings. Very nice, clean and pleasant. All the best for the author.
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