Leap Year Day

Well,  I asked him and he has  declined.

Here in leap year when traditionally I have society's blessing to ask him, I did, with no reason to believe, given our life together for so many years, he would not agree that the time is now.

So I ask myself, "Is this  declining my proposal in fact a  blessing ?".

He had assured me that he is happy where he is, just does not want to be married legally. In being true to my own desire, I do not really want to be married legally either. All was well between us until he was hospitalized and his family members challenged my care giving ability.

Many elder couples around here are not married legally and that fact goes unnoticed. They agree on how to handle hospitalizations and get their wills in order. They have the support of their families for their life choices.

I have had to reflect on what it is I wanted to gain by being married. While watching a movie with a similar plot, I had an insight about this. I saw, heard, felt, even tasted and smelled the truth of the matter.

(1)  I was feeling alone, unprotected, vulnerable,  even betrayed. (2) I deserve to feel loved, safe and welcome in this relationship. (3) I want the love I give to be received with open arms and a big hug.

Call me selfish and I will not agree. Everyone has these needs. When these basic human needs go unmet, disease happens.  Having the confidence to state one's needs in a relationship is a dialogue, one that cements the foundation of a healthy coexistence.

So, if this Leap Year Day's proposal occasioned nothing else (like a wedding in the near future), it has been a LEAP in my own commitment to wholeness and health and  a desire to deeply love a life partner in a way that no one will ever challenge our right to be who we are together.

Reflect on a time you have risked the possibility of rejection and abandonment and discovered Divine's blessing in the really real?

My Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

the Lake at Marjorie Neal Nelson Park

During my morning mediation, I opened my heart to receiving an answer to a question that has been nagging at me since I saw the movie,the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. The question is two-fold:

Where is my destined Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?

 and 

What do I have to offer its growth and sustainability?

This week, I have been participating virtually, 0n a program called "Hangout",  in an Institute of Cultural Affairs (ICA) archives Sojourn, held in Chicago at what has become to know as "The Greenrise". Once a global centrum for the ICA time has provided its transformation into  a social demonstration of urban environmental responsibility.  As well, it houses offices of  ICA USA.

I began working with one group and ended up working with another. Given the Divine Mystery's  ability to  place people where they are really supposed to be in order to gain information for decisions that are needed soon, I was not surprised that I ended up in a "New Religious Mode" (NRM) group.

This group was looking at this amazing work that the ICA had created in the late 60's and early 70's to determine its applicability to this century and create a new packaging if necessary.

I recently shared this NRM chart with some local colleagues, as a framework for creating questions for a story telling project, - questions that would elicit stories shared from the Heart.  This NRM group was just what I needed to reawaken a deeper resolve to let Soul breathe through Heart Space, releasing a story in the process.

At the end of the week's sojourn, windows of possibility opened in my imagination of all the different ways I could live a life of service again, even as an elder with several limitations.  

As I drifted off to sleep last night after this stimulating, reawakening week, the wide open future was dancing through my dreams.

This morning I listened for an answer and, if nothing else,  I am clear that this small village where I live is  a Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.  I have been on the right track with this story telling project and the people in our small group here in Crescent City are like those residents of  the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. We get to discern what's happening here and decide what we can do with what we have and who we are,  to be of service in making it our great place to be alive.

I listened to the wisdom from my heart. I was reminded that I am not about recreating those NRM charts. But, most certainly they are a resource along with a rich history with the ICA globally, which I bring with me,  as I BE a  contribution to Crescent City's  bountiful Spirit.

Where is your own Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?  Who are its residents? 

An Empathic Connection is Possible

I can not count the times I have been "accused" of taking something personally.

I admit, I do take on the state of being of those around me. I feel pain that is not mine, both physically and emotionally. I have discovered I know others thoughts as if they are talking to me. I know things - facts - that I only know through the direct encounter and not any prior knowledge.

By reading Don Miguel Ruiz' The Four Agreements, I began to practice them in my own life. I began with noticing the times that I encountered the need to practice one or another of these agreements. In the case of DONT TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY. I began to really be aware that I would be connected in my own body, to an-other-than-myself's pain.  

Right now, my partner is having serious hip pain and I also am having this hip pain.  In my body, it hasn't been feeling like the pain is not the hip bones. It has been around them.  Yesterday, after an MRI, he got the report that it isn't his hip bones, it is his lymph nodes, which are near that part of the body.  I found this worth paying attention to regarding my own diagnostic ability.

I spent years feeling depressed and never could figure out why.  After I was divorced, I was happy and of course attributed it to being free from a really  abusive relationship.  Once I began to be aware that I have built into my being a strong propensity for an empathic connection to another, I understood that it was more a matter of taking on what I have come to know as my ex-husband's chronic depression or whatever it was that kept him so angry with me all the time. Hey, I could blame it all on my free spirit or wild right brain that kept me from really bonding with another, but that would not explain my own always depressed mood swings during those 30 years of marriageand went away within two years of changing accumulated patterns.

I have been able to use this reality, which is so strong in my being, as a spiritual guide in my career in counseling.

I am able to listen to my own body's needs, but do not feel comfortable diagnosing someone else's blocked energy. At the same time,  I know of many medical intuitives who make an empathic connection, and trust their sense of being called to this vocation to diagnose and treat a client.

I have lived with cats who know exactly where to place their bodies for a long healing purr. This leads me to believe the skill is a primal skill available to all people, should they be so drawn to awakening its potential within themselves.

An empathic connection is a deep connection with another, both physically and emotionally.It is like eing a mirror to what is happening in their bodies and emotions, but also feeling it.

Perhaps all empaths are introverts, I don't know, but I am always uncomfortable in a live group of people. I have to sort out what is mine and theirs over and over with each encounter. Needless to say, this virtual way of connecting with people is really easier to handle. But, it is not so real.

Those of us who have this skill all have to learn how to use it, to sort out and to use for the greater good. Those who feel they do not have this skill are simply not aware that they have it. 

Have you had this experience of the empathic connection?  How do you use it?

Transparency of Harley and Taca Belle.

I have been on an incredible journey with these two dogs. They hang out together and roam the neighborhoods daily.  The brown mutt is Harley and the chihuahua we call Taca Belle. She lives on the other side of the village , but walks over to meet up with Harley to spend the day.

The first encounter with this motley pair was during a morning walk with three other women. This pair of canines came from the opposite direction, surrounded us and barked while nipping at our calves and butts.  I gave them a cat treat each hoping they would go away. Instead they focused in on me, cornering me as I found my way onto a stranger's porch. Harley threatened with his barking as any good guard dog  might. The woman who lived in the house came out. I explained to her that I was trapped here, hoped she would forgive me, and the police who I had called would soon arrive.  Well, Chief Johnson finally drove up in his squad car, leaned out the window and said, "Harley, what are you up to now?" and then backed up with the dogs following him. Chief Johnson took the dogs to Harley's and informed the owner of the behavior of his little Pranksters.

On the second encounter, I was walking alone. The two dogs ran up to me, not allowing me to move from the street. I stood perfectly still, slowly dialed 911 and explained that I was being held hostage on the street by two dogs. The operator finally understood me and very soon after, because it is a very small village, Chief Johnson arrived. However, as soon as I called 911, Taca Belle moved slowly to the nearest house and sat down on the porch, giving the impression she lived there and had been there for hours.  At the same time, Harley stole slowly down the driveway of the same house, turned around and sat there with a wondering demeanor.  When he arrived, Chief Johnson first looked at me without saying a word, then we both looked at these innocent looking dogs and burst our laughing at how clever they were.  Nevertheless, Chief Johnson paid a visit to the real owner, reminding him of the leash laws.

 I also ran into the Mayor as I continued my walk and told him what was happening. He offered to go see the owner himself. He did what he said he would do.

the third encounter with these two was on a walk again, with my friends.  The two dogs came toward us from the opposite direction and walked right on past us as if we didn't exist.  Needless to say, we all laughed for a long time as we went on.

The fourth time I saw the two was on my porch. I caught them before they ate the cat food and told them in no uncertain terms were they to continue their pursuit and directed them to leave the porch. They did. I called the police, but they were long gone before he got there. While I was talking to the police, they managed to sneak back onto the porch, finish off the cat food, and beat hell into the bushes.  This time, I went to see the owner myself.  I have not seen the two dogs anywhere  since that visit.

Why I have been so deeply addressed by these encounters with these dogs is a question I was drawn to answer. I was annoyed that these dogs would be running loose. I was impressed with the support I received from the police and with their light-hearted but serious response.  That the dogs knew enough to go through the routine of curbing an intruder (as if the streets were their domain) and were smart enough to try to look innocent when they realized their mistake, really placed me in empathy's squeeze. When they were food hunting, I really felt their primal drive to survive and felt called to solve this problem humanely.

Dogs, like humans, get confused sometimes. Sometimes we claim space as our domain which is not ours. Sometimes we catch ourselves in old patterns which no longer serve our better judgment and we opt to attempt to cover our mistakes with an aura of innocence. Sometimes, we hunger for food or love and nothing will stop us from getting those needs met.

I am considering writing a children's book about Harley and Taca Belle. Their story is transparent to what most of us experience at any given time.

Which encounters have affected your life into a place of empathy in a way that draws you into telling the story?

                                                                                                  

New Dancing Shoes for a New Paradigm

During the month leading up to my 71st birthday, I immersed  myself in putting my house in order - new flooring, clearing space of no longer useful stuff and reorganizing closets.

Then, for a week, I reflected on this past year which was spent primarily healing from open heart surgery, easing on into a daily walk and developing a Qigong  practice.

After spending my 70th birthday alone, the year was then scattered with significant  memorable and precious social events. None of these held the power of my experience each event was to me. I faced the challenge of choosing the most significant event of my 71st year on earth.

Unnable to choose a significant event, I turned to searching among the present seemingly endless turmoil and need for change in the world, I focused on the space probe to Pluto as a sign that perhaps the truth, in all that is happening, might become clear in a way that present contradictions are addressed with resolution.

Finally, every time I traveled to a retreat or conference, my heart protested, threatening to give up on me for trying to give my life to a cause or project or even leading a workshop.  So, I finally listened to my heart's call to enter a reevaluation and regrouping mode, preparing for living perhaps in an emerging new paradigm.

About to close the door on reflecting on this last year, I was gifted with a reminder that the event that holds the significance of the year is important.  I gratefully thank  Evelyn Philbrookfor raising the questions for me to answer. She motivated me to deepen my reflection and complete the process.

I traveled to my favorite space and time in Higher Self, bringing the questions with me. Here is the result:

A road trip up through Georgia with Dick Umble to North Carolina. There Dick reconnected with long time friends and colleagues, Bob and Diane Wallace. They live on the top of what seemed like a cliff to me as we wound back and forth taking hair pin turns, back and forth for 2.8 miles taking 45 munutes to get to our destination.

The whole trip up the "cliff" and especially back down was both exhilerating  and terrifying.  The visit was delightful. Their remodeled home from a cabin into an architectural wonder is unforgettable. The trip down the "cliff"to go out for dinner and back up in the dark with Bob Wallace driving as he had so many times was actually relaxing and enjoyable. The Fall leaves were breathtaking.  And not traveling alone was so refreshing an experience.

We left the Wallace paradise and treked to the ocean to Kure Beach for a visit with my niece and her husband, two sobs, and mother  for a real family weekend.

Regarding the promise I claim for the next year on earth? I have several intents which I have chosen needing further reflection. The one which is a promise I make to myself is to pursue the path of energy healing with further development of a Qigong practice with my intuition eyes   and ears open to the way I will give myself fully to this for the next twenty years or so.

I  hold this promise with an image of wearing new dancing shoes - or in this case sandals.

Shall we dance?

Intention And The Great "Aha"

All too often of recent have I been aware of myself proclaiming that I am ready to leave this earthly plane for good.

  At the same time, this whole melancholic reverie has not been accompanied with any semblance of deep resolve.

Contrarily, irritation over this  human dilemma  was beginning to annoy me

So, I created the intent of discovering what will make me happy enough to dance with great joy for at least twenty years.

The new moon also was in Capricorn . Astrologically this moon is good for creating intents for the rest of the year.

In accordance with this cosmic environment, I focused on several intents, prioritized them, and taped them to the wall in front of my computer to be available for continuing reflection.

That exercise occasioned a new clarity about this notion of being ready to move on. It isn't  about death or doing something different now. It isn't even about a lot of other options that buzz through my thoughts.

It is about welcoming the newness of being alive today and enjoying the challenge of a higher energy, one which I have been cultivating for some time now.

I have been distracted by the national politics and my own heart's health. I really can't do much about the crazy political scene. And Heart is renewed in all realms. Anxiety, angst,  anger, and even anticipation are a waste of good energy.

I am awakening with a resounding aha" to the wonder of a blooming wildflower in the summer sun. The joy of such a simple pleasure is overwhelming and new.

A dilemma exists in the intensity and longevity of the "aha" as I let it carry me into the rest of my life.

This is the essence of creativity.

Life is whole and it is perfect when gratitude accompanies each encounter.

AHA". Here I am having ended all that has been and dance in the arms of creativity with a grateful heart.

Shall we dance?

A Summer Encounter With A Chinese Couple

Early mornings in June are delightful moments to be standing outside. The sun rises directly following 6:30 am. This time of day is just perfect for a walk because the air is filled with the music of the birds and the wind is gentle. It is even possible to walk in the rain this time of the morning.

I enjoy first walking down to the lake's edge to watch the sunrise. I walk for about an hour either before or after I do 20 minutes of Qi Gong meditative exercise which  balances emotions, calming thoughts.

I have been walking with two women who live in the neighborhood.  One went north for a couple of weeks and the other is gone for the summer. So, walking alone, I broke the routine walk route that we had been taking and ventured to the other side of town to the other lake, Lake Stella.  There, I ran into an elderly Chinese couple  doing exercises. The first day we simply greeted each other. The second day I joined them for exercise. Their gestures let me know I was welcome to do so. We met for exercise for three weeks. They speak no English.

Figuring out how to have a conversation took many days. My smartphone translator was primitive. We tried sign language, but charades is not our strong suit. Finally, I typed out questions on my computer translator and brought the printed copy for them to read. They brought back the answers the next day - written in Chinese.  Long story short, I asked every Oriental person I ran into if they were literate in Mandarin. (I was able to discern from what they said that they were from Hunan Province).

A salesperson at a store in Palatka, twenty-five miles up the road,  told me she teaches Chinese to children and agreed to translate via email and eventually on the phone. The Oriental restaurant in Crescent City is managed by the couple's grandson With these two sources, I learned names, length of stay, origins, ages, grandchildredn (!!), etc.

When I worked at a training school in a village in Kenya, I talked with the local women by our hand gestures. I also became aware of strong telepathic images which facilitated our ability to communicate. Remembering this, I was mindful of the images evoked when Mr. or Mrs. Xiang talked to me. I am sure I got the gist of most of it.  This, I would like to point out, is an ancient ability recovered and am grateful to be able to access.

Each day we arrived at the pavilion by the lake for an hour of physical exercise. Mr. and Mrs. Xiang are also, like myself, age appropriately agile. They had a tape recorder and cassette and I'm pretty sure the exercise is a form of Tai Chi and/or Qi Gong. The cardiac/aerobic is gentle and no muscle, joint, or pressure point is ignored. The hour passed gently like a flowing brook. The name on the cassette box is Ahma and the rest is in Chinese. I have not been able to find anything just like it.  Each day they would reveal more about the healing qualities of one or other exercise in the routine.

On the morning we were finally able to communicate with our translator on the phone, I learned that was their last day of exercise and would be heading back to Las Vegas where they lived with one of their children and family. We shared our gratitude for having met and sharing this exercise time. As we parted they said we would meet again next year this time. We smiled as friends, and waved as we walkedt on in separate directions.

Now I am walking alone again in the morning before or after twenty minutes of  Qi Gong. Doing exercises each morning with this lovely couple was a very important event of this summer in Crescent City. The best part was the venture into communicating with each other.

I am deeply addressed by the difficulty in communication among cultures. To follow through requires a willingness and a willing to communicate in order to become acquainted as well as to really respect each other. Effort is required and lots of patience. I could have just showed up every day. We could have smiled and exercised and waved good-bye. I could have avoided any other interaction and life would have gone on. But, life is so much richer by these deeper connections.

I can not help but wonder how in the world the many cultures and perspectives on this planet are ever going to really achieve any understanding, respect, tolerance and empathy in order to peacefully co-exist.

What does our future require of us?

A New Kind of Dancing

New growth on the wisteria bush

Slowly but surely, I am shedding all semblance of conducting my daily life as someone who works for a living.

 Now, almost 71 and celebrating one year spent in a healing from open heart surgery mode, I am beginning to enjoy life like I only ever dreamed might be possible.

I was expecting to return to  projects in which I was engaged,but my heart kept telling me - literally, physically - that I must now, instead follow my bliss.

Apparently, there is no more unfinished business requiring my attention. Some of my colleagues and acquaintances are involved in social change efforts in their writing, training, protesting, whatever ways of serving a world in need. Every time I attempt to commit my time to such a project, my heart races and pounds, intensifying its disapproval with the loud clicking of this new mitral valve.

Surely, my heart is not trying to say that I should not respond to the crises of this planet. I struggle mightily with letting go of all my skills and experience in human and community development process. Those efforts have proven with time to be not enough. I try to renew my commitment to a counseling practice which brings wholeness, balance, and harmony into peoples' lives. This is not enough. By continuing to hold on to these,  my heart rages because I am not following my bliss.

What might be forming in the present moment, slowly coming into being, is a mystery. Yet, it is creative. It is creativity. It is not a project. It is not a practice. Nevertheless, it is a way of a life of service in a whole new kind of dancing.

Bliss is a state of happiness, a flowing of refreshing and enlivening contentment - a getting lost in the creation at hand with no need of validation and no experience of its absence - a rare moment in the day slowly growing into a day long experience of an old Russian tune  sung with these words:

 If the people lived their lives as if it were a song for singing out the light, provide the music for the stars to be dancing circles in the night.

The body may be calm and the conversation gentle, but the heart spends the day dancing in the light, its beat steady and peaceful.

I could go on about what exactly it s that I am  doing that my heart is willing to beat peacefully for, but that would defeat the purpose of this blog's message.

Where is your heart leading you these days? How is this new kind of dancing working for you?

K

A Ceentury Plant Blooms

The Century Plant is also named Agave. This picture is not of the blue agave used to make tequila (oh, darn). First of all, while it is entirely possible, that this particular plant has lived 100 years just to bloom, research can not confirm that this is why it is called Century. The name does, however correlate with the past hundred years of Earth's existence.

This spike in the middle of the plant shot up within a couple of days. Since I took this picture, it has grown another five feet, towering above the house.  None of us can see well enough to see if there are any blooms yet on the top of this Washington Monument of a spectacle in our village.

I imagine the Century plant as having lived just to become a symbol of the blooming of a new age, a new life force among us. A natural energy is present on this planet of our charge. It is becoming visible and everything is filled with new life as the old passes away - reluctantly, of course.

People are beginning to live more and more through the eyes of a global interdependent paradigm. People are beginning to understand their connectedness to life in other parts of the world.

I had the opportunity to be part of bringing awareness to this emerging paradigm for so many years. I have been a pioneer with so many others in aligning with its growth. Since the fifties, especially, our lives have been radically changing  - transforming into so much more than even visionaries ever imagined. Some changes I have personally experienced include:

An absolute image of being married and raising children with all variations from this mother/father/children image is being replaced with loving relationships.

Workplace roles in which men are in charge and women serve their needs is almost vanished in lieu of teams, each member with a role in production.

Civic policies are being challenged and change in every way possible. The struggle to let the old die is often a violent encounter.

International relationships still governed by gaining power over for economic gain are literally being laughed at. Capitalism philosophy itself has been eroded into greed.

Self-esteem which depends on the approval of others, is being replaced by awakening awareness of inner wisdom and validation.

New forms of coexistence are slowly but surely emerging, even in places on this Earth where it is no where close to visible.

Most obvious is our relationship to the radically changing environment. The climate is indeed changing, whether warming or freezing. We are all being called to free ourselves from maintaining the WAY IT WAS and move into the WAY IT IS as new forms emerge like spikes on the Century Plant and its elusive blooming right before our eyes.

I imagine how it was a hundred years ago. I have experienced radical change in my own being for my seventy years on earth, and I am aware that it is up to all of us to bless the emerging new realities rooted in what has been and one step into what is becoming more and more real each day.

The Age of Social Demonstration of what is possible has passed. When we stop resisting that which is bigger than both of us, as the comedian used to put it, and honoring that which is happening in our very beings, the real dialogue can begin.

So don't send me messages to ban this or that. Don't bother castigating me for believing in what I know is true. Show me the new way to function, operate, imagine, believe. I will live likewise.

Where are you seeing the new century emerging and blooming in ways that you never imagined would come to be?

Change is Everywhere - Stepping into the Unknown

I am drawn to shed that which no longer serves my goodness or the well being of this Earth.

I am drawn to consider the importance of the vastness of disharmony in the world.

The climate - geographically, environmentally, politically, economically, socially. and even spiritually is at odds with the general consensus.  Nothing that is happening computes with anything we all have experienced up to now in our life's time.

I find it incredible that in the center of all the turmoil, that things will work out to the benefit of all.

I say it is time for a huge protest movement - a new massive march for change - now.

But, then, where to begin?

What change will be the one that causes the collapse of the whole wall of patterns of past modus operandi and belief structures? Or what form does this organic evolution - not a revolution this time - take?

Wanting it to be simple, I am guessing that, just considering the many challenges, the answer is complex.

I  ask myself, "What is the one change in society I'm willing to pour my life into?"

I will just pick one -any one - and ask my heart how to proceed. I already know the time is now, that I work on a challenge which is standing right in front of me and also resides in my own being,  and my response is to alleviate suffering, to heal the wounds.

In my heart there is a council of wisdom to guide how to proceed.

 Finally, by stepping into the beyond the beyond, into the unknown,  and creating with  imagination, hands, and words does the vision of a changed world become real. Like Ronstrom, in Ancient of Days, who led the people beyond what already had been inhabited, to the place where no one had ever been, there are signs in the world that the Ronstrom dynamic is at work.

Does this mean, I  quit walking in the morning with those whose signs of aging  radiate negative vibes from morning low blood sugar? Am I positive and charitable and empathetic within my own being?

Does this mean I leave the social organization of women with whom I have nothing in common?  Have I attempted to locate our common ground?

Does this mean I back out of a new organization intended to be a vehicle of social change in the community and instead is a forum for ego boosting? Do I have another group of people to work with and is my own ego unblemished?

Do I just ignore my family who seem to care less if I exist?  Am I giving the impression that I don't want them in my life and am judging their existence?

And taking on world wide change efforts is senseless to me when I can't even complete a conversation with a person sitting next to me who has an opposing perspective.

 Lots of meditation time yet to be. What will I create, given obvious limitations,  in response to Heart's wisdom?

Accepted or Rejected?

I am not sure of the source, but this time of year, every year, I am consumed with a sense of being a total outsider with a big "reject" stamped on my forehead.

This feeling is irrational, grounded in nothing. Nevertheless, I am bombarded with a series of memories to support this sense and it seems like people start stamping "reject' on my forehead to support this feeling.

Years ago, I would find my self singing, over and over in my head, that part of Handel's Messiah, "He was despis-ed, despis-ed and rejected...". This would bring me back to reality, relatively speaking, reminding me that this feeling is included in the human journey.

I am reminded of a course I and many others took on the twentieth century theological revolution. In this course there is a conversation around an excerpt of Paul Tillich's writings.The pedagogue goes around the room saying something unforgivable and asks, "Am I accepted?" The answer, no matter what the "sin", is YES.  Tillich's message is that we are accepted always, in spite of our rejection. He was among many theologians who were involved in reinterpreting scriptures in secular terms.

In that first course, the pedagogue got to me and said, "I gave a baby up for adoption, am I accepted?" and waited for my answer. Because I got what Tillich was pointing to, I said YES, but did not believe it in my heart. It took years to believe this ultimate truth.

Here, many years later, I am able to guide my meditation time into Heart Space, and  listen for the wisdom of a community of memories, lessons, role  models, and guides. I can ask this community to guide me once again to a heartfelt acceptance of my human condition. Wisdom, insight and meaning is always provided.

This year, I find that I need a way to be sustained as accepted and not fall into the cycle of validating my rejection. I need to feel one with this truth of acceptance in spite of rejection. I need it more than ever because I'm close to getting my groove on here on the other side of this life's time.

I am feeling that the engines are fired up and I am about to take off into a new phase of serving this world. So, during this time of year, with this recurring albatross of rejection, I am in perpetual mediation with the Divine.

The ability to be sustained and to get into the future is to love who I am, just as I am, and to love the stamp on my forehead which is rendered powerless by Love.

And so I Love. And if I say to you, I love you",  please know that I am not just saying, "Hello", or "Good-bye." I am simply honoring the reality that I am accepted and that you are accepted, and that acceptance is the way life is - always.

Am I accepted?  Are you?

Family Is So Important

This is the family of my niece, Leanne.God has really blessed Leanne more than most people who have lived on this earth.  First and foremost, Leanne's heart is pure love. It might not be obvious when her favorite football team (Roll Tide!!!) is losing, but this is only to confirm that she s perfectly human.
Brian, her husband is among the very rare finest of men. Each conversation I have ever had with him has been an encounter with a deeply sensitive, empathic and mighty down to earth spiritual presence. He is the type of person who learns not just lessons, but gains wisdom from each experience he has lived
.
Leanne is an architect and Brian is a building contractor.  They have two sons - David and Jonathan. David must be ten now. He is a well behaved very active and bright boy who is very loving like his mother and sensitive like his father. Jonathan is nearing one with the patience of a Zen master. Both sons closely resemble Brian, but also Leanne. This makes for the presentation of a closely bonded family.

Grandmother Pat came to take care of Jonathan so Leanne could return to work. I am so filled with happiness that Leanne's mother is welcome in her house. I am sure, as it is with all mothers and daughters that there is some tension there. I am also sure that their very strong and common faith has paved that way for them to be able to coexist as a dance of life.

There are other extended members of this family, including my brother Dick, who is incredibly understanding of Pat's decision to assist this beautiful family at this time. David and Jonathan's cousins are close and spend quality time together, all being close enough in age to play freely together. Leanne and her two brothers and all the family spends holidays together, a not so common event in family life these days.

They live by the ocean and spend time there creating memories that will last forever. They live by their faith in God's goodness and unconditional love. While they have been through several trials already, this may have shaken their foundations, but their foundation is stronger because of what is trivial compared to their belief that there is a positive purpose in every life event.

That's me in the picture, too. It is not a common experience for me to feel so welcome into a family as they have done. I have been truly blessed by their honoring me as Great Aunt Judi. This role was revered in my own parents' families. Never did I ever imagine this would be bestowed on me.

I know, in my own Heart, that I am loved. To have this family who welcomes me into their Heart, supports that I am loved.

What does this require of  me? Only that I believe and embrace this gift I have been given.

But, alas, there is always a call, a cry, a beckoning wrapped in every gift.

I am also a mother and grandmother and aunt. My family is as welcome in my home and Heart as am I in my niece's home and Heart. I can only maintain the belief that they welcome a relationship with me will be as valuable to them as is my relationship with my niece and her family.

Family relationships are difficult in today's world. People are spread across country and continent. Time has changed everything. Roles and relationships have been challenged and new ways to be community in all its forms  is being re-created.

Slowly, this hyper-isolated condition we have all experienced in our life's time is expanding to include some lost and now found basic family patterns. Rare, but real.

I look forward to being among those who pioneer these new patterns. Are you? 


.

Highlights and Learnings of 2014

Full eclipse of the setting sun at Lake Stella, Crescent City, FL.

Sunrise on retreat in NC

Five candles for Advent, eight candles for Hanukkah, and seven candles for Kwanzaa.
Advent to anticipate the coming of the Word that sustains us.
Hanukkah to remember the miracle of sustained light.
Kwanzaa to celebrate the qualities which sustain humanness.
All within the same Solstice Season of the return of the sun - a festival of lights.
These have been holy days to anticipate new light, to be grateful for light, to honor  the light within us all.
This has been a most amazing year, ablaze with light throughout the days.

This has been a year of connecting with, caring for, and living on both firey hearth and serene mountain top  in the center of Being.

On retreat north of Toronto, Canada

Three retreats in the first part of the year - a meditation retreat with Larry and Peggy Ward, a Oneness retreat with Michael Miller, and a mountain top retreat with Hedi Weiler. In all three of these, I was reminded again and again, the power of meditation in physical, emotional, and spiritual well being if we are to be of service to a healthy future for this planet.

With Bob and Cynthia Vance in Savannah

With John and Lynda Cock in Greensboro

In that first part of the year, I also was able to spend rare and precious time with long time friends and family. I learned from these encounters, the importance of gentle conversation in experiencing life as profound and worthwhile.

Then the big event of the first half of the year! Open heart surgery and equally as profound - the recovery. With a new mitral valve, I feel stronger, happier, and filled with more energy than I have in years. In this whole ordeal, which really was more like a sojourn in a recovery mode, I have learned to slow down, breathe mindfully, and prioritize my engagement accordingly. Changing my life style has been a total blessing, providing time and space to actually experience every moment with all the perspectives - now very much including beauty and joy.

Grandson, Wilder, graduated from high school, an event I promised myself I would not miss. I had to choose between the heart surgery and recovering in time for a momentous occasion in September or to go to his graduation and then have the surgery. I learned that, in breaking a promise to oneself, life is nevertheless redeemable. I was able to send him, for college,  all the money I would have spent on the brief trip there. He had a wonderful graduation with his mother, father and half-brother and all his great group of friends.

Wilder's grandparents: Mr. and Mrs. Gaylor and I, with Uncle Dick.

After spending my 70th birthday all by myself, with phone calls from folks and facebook messages, I was surprised that I was totally okay with this birthday - even though 70th birthdays are traditionally occasions for big bashes.  I learned that karma had paid a a visit on this birthday and blessed me with the awareness that I am accepted and whole and perfect, and that I am sustained by this from within my own heart. This was a perfect present for becoming 70.

The whole clan at Caroline's 50th in Little Compton, RI

Then on September 6th, there was an especially spectacular celebration of my daughter Caroline's 50th  birthday. Hosted by her adoptive parents, also present were her adoptive siblings and her own children, two of my three sons, her natural father and his son, other relatives and friends. In an informal sunny afternoon gathering, a good time was had by all. In my reflections, I have realized that an intent of a trusting nature has almost all to do with everything that led to this grand celebration of a  reality that had been hidden for so many years.  Now, all the dust has settled and I have learned to digest this whole story, with joy and gratitude, just as it has been so graciously given .

Dick has struggled with some physical problems this year and has been caring for his aunt who is increasingly showing signs of dementia. He  seems to have them under control for the time being. I really learned to appreciate his loving kindness as he cared for me through my recovery and his. I believe the experience  brought us to a new level of relationship. We might even buy a king sized bed together. One never knows!!

(Almost) the whole of Gail and Henry's clan in Cleveland, TX

We took two trips together this year. We flew to Dallas, rented a car and drove to southeastern TX where his sister's whole family gathered to greet him. He was beside himself with joy that they all would make that effort!!! We drove west to San Antonio where I met Rob's in-laws for the very first time ever after some twenty-five years.. We drove to Dallas to the Bush library and museum and then to northeastern OK for a blues festival in Rentiesville. Finally, we drove to southwestern OK to spend a few days with my son Randy, Stephanie and Chris and Maddie.

with Maddie and Chris in Lawton, OK

We both learned that, in spite of our common new found energy, it is possible to bite off more than is comfortable, even though living with a new story about going big and not staying home before the end of life on this earth. Upon landing in Orlando, we drove home in a dark moon. Neither one of us can see well enough to drive comfortably in the dark.

In November we took a road trip up through Georgia to northern NC. We

Diane and Bob on their hearth

visited the mother of his best friend in Georgia then after a night in Augusta, we drove to Columbus and up a mountain to visit an old time work friend and his wife, Diane and Bob Wallace. The GPS said 2.8 miles - 45 minutes and indeed it was hairpin turn after hairpin turn. The house with its decks built over seemingly nothing, overlooked the vastness of the valley. A waterfall, which began just above their home as a creek, fell straight down. It was once the longest waterfall in the Appalachian chain. All very breathtaking, I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

 Nor would I have missed the trip across the state to the ocean to visit with my niece and her family. They have a new little one, Jonathan and my sister-in-

Leanne, Brian, David, Jonathan, and Gramma Nelson

law is there full time taking care of things so my niece could go back to work.  That we had such a real family time together, again was a blessing that the years which have gone by already has made possible.

 Dick just had cataract surgery on both eyes so we should be good to go, if we ever opt for another road trip.

The holidays were unusually social this year.Dick and I drove to Tampa for Thanksgiving with brother Pete and his family.

Nephew Lee and his son, Jacob (and Sara in the photo)

. Instead of 12 for brunch on Christmas Day, we had about 30 for dinner.

The hors d'oeuvres table

 I also hosted my sorority before Christmas for a really fun luncheon.

Beta Sigma Phi sisters

We went to a party down the street with people we knew and met for the first time as we shared the best appetizers I ever ate and listened to the jazz combo while sipping on our cocktails.

The neighbors home at the other end of Lake Street

We went to dinner with two other couples on New Years Eve and I went to bed and did not wake at midnight for the first time in I do believe Ever. 

With the Marshalls and the Russells.

 Then another party on New Years Day with more delicious food.
In fact, in this second half of the year, there have been many gatherings with friends and family which makes for an unusual and delightfully new kind of year.

 Rob and Russ were here for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and in and out after that. Celebrating the holidays with friends was great fun, but most precious of all was the time with family. I would give anything to have just one holiday with all my children and grandchildren in one place at the same time. Just once.  Nevertheless, celebrating the holidays is celebrating life as it is - and it was really good - especially the food and the hearty laughter.

So, to wind down a lengthy tale of a year which began as a solitary journey and evolved into a grand finale together in community with others, celebrating the Light  and the joy we experience as Light shines on each event.

While the greatest learning of all this year has been developing the practice of slowing down in mindful anticipation of the present moment, now the time is coming to focus the Light on the form of service to the Divine in local community.

How will I respond to what I know as human suffering in the world today? How will you respond? How will you take care of yourself so you can creatively respond with your life's work?

The cascading waterfall on the mountain in Columbus, NC.
An image for 2015.

A Tale of a Solstice Matryoshka

I have had my eye on this group of antique Matryoshka, or babushka nesting dolls, which has been for sale at Bag Ladies up on the main drag.

Having committed myself to no more purchases of this kind - ever, I was nevertheless drawn to this particular set. In fact, I dreamed of it one night which is what led me to reconsider my new decision.

 Stopping in the store the other day, just to pass the time before a yoga class, - of course, lo and behold, the set was on sale, in an affordable range, so I went home for some money, returned and purchased this dreamed of object.

I had inspected it in previous visits and it was in good shape. However, when I got it home and un-nested each doll, one of the dolls was stuck in the other. After googling a remedy,  I followed through what I found and the stuck doll detached easily, none the worse for wear.

 It had, however grown too large to replace, even after two days of drying.  So, I put the nine other dolls into their nests and left out the one which did not fit in  anymore. I could have made the set into two sets, but followed my intuition and sat her next to the other.

 Then, I spent what must have been a half hour or so contemplating the quality of this disidentified doll.  Was it a misfit, a lone wolf, damaged property, malformed, a black swan, a rebel, renegade, an egomaniac - or was she an evolutionary warp in the established norm?

Settling on the later, I began to wonder what she was becoming that is new and uniquely a metamorphosis, the process catalyzed by the present environment.

 Of course, that was it! This particular doll was setting out on her own path into the future anticipating that what might be considered a damaged doll was instead a pioneering venture into the mode of fitting into the times in which we live.

Then I began to wonder about the other nine dolls. The tiniest of the Matryoshka is a wee baby, with no designs painted on her. What is her design and destiny in today's world  as we are coming to know it and increasingly experiencing ourselves as not fitting into its ebb and flow? What is the purpose of the other Matryoshka in this nest?

Finally, I took the baby out of the nest of nine, and placed it inside this evolutionary metamorphosis of a Matryoshka fractal!!! A most "fitting" metaphor of becoming today.

what is different about today than the way we were - even yesterday?

On this Winter Solstice 2014, as we are celebrating the return of the sun from its place which creates healing darkness in the world, may we all be blessed with its brightNEW light shining on the promise of a sunlit year to come.

Grateful for Beating Heart

Coming down the mountain in Columbus,NC

Ever since I had my mitral valve replaced with a mechanical valve, I have had the privilege of listening to the beat of my heart, especially when I am in even a slightly prone position,

Miracle, my cat, and Jonathan, my four month old grand nephew both love to fall asleep to its beat.

Since surgery at the end of May, his heartbeat has taken a journey from being extremely irregular, erratic, and unpredictable to a normal steady pace without even the life-long skip beat I was probably born with.

I have abused my heart with physical and emotional stress and patterns of negative thinking. Needless to say, my heart on many occasions, most noticeably in recent years, let me know that it was having to work too hard to keep up with me and was plain worn out.

Even though I am well trained and accustomed to listening to my body and responding as I intuit fit, I continued at the same pace in stressful situations in which I found little if any enjoyment. In other words, I refused to stop the way I was living my life to slow down, change what I was doing, and explore  doing what I love,

I am also really good at mindful breathing, healthy eating, energy exercise and inner healing. I practiced them, and still do,  religiously. If you ever think you can be healthy by doing all this and avoiding the heart of the matter, let me be a witness to how it is just putting off the inevitable.

As I laid in bed this morning, shortly after awakening, I was listening to my heart beat, slowly and steadily, and quite suddenly was feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for the loyalty of my heart for its seventy years of unconditional service. I was in heart's space and was experiencing "my heart" as "Heart"

Heart is nurtured and sustained by continual presencing of the love of the Divine, from within and around.

Heart needs to be living out this time on earth as a gentle flowing dance. This maintains Heart's purpose for beating.

Apparently, I am finally learning the flowing rhythm of this dance and I will continue to let Heart lead the way.

Like the yearly cycle of a mountain tree, buds to vibrant green, to brilliant color and its harvest,  to barren branches, the cycle continues when dancing with this flow is the choice of Heart.

Have you been paying attention  to your Heart's desire?

The Fathomless Abyss

This year has been an incredibly full year in so many ways.
Events in the world, in my community, in the lives of people I know, and in my life have been way beyond ordinary. Each event has been an amazing never before told story already told or waiting to be told.

 Nothing has been plain and simple. So many unexpected results, breakthroughs, completed cycles, new life, abundance of transitions, realization of long held dreams, travels among breathtaking vistas, tender connections to loved ones, puzzling turns of the tides, radical individual decisions - have filled the air with wonder - "aha" wonder and "what the hell is happening?" wonder, as well.

As a peoples inhabiting this living organism called Planet Earth, we are being shaken to the core of existence by the accumulating impact of our vast creative and destructive potential and our accompanying awareness of our fragility, temporality AND increasing resolve to be alive and thrive.

I find myself drawn to storytelling.  What is the story that is the strong and durable net that holds us over this vast abyss of unknown wonder that seems to be prevailing in the mundane daily routines which are anything but ordinary today?

Stories from a place of deep resolve of  positive alternatives to a  Planet in danger in so many ways?
Stories from heart space of connecting in a greater depth in relationships?
Stories of realizing dreams held for what seems like forever?

So much is happening that is either obviously a blessing or deep within its meaning a blessing is still a seed.  I am so aware of the abyss which separates me from life in the past and life today. Gone forever, not forgotten, everything is a story ready to be written in stone, only to some day become the vast abyss once again.

Has this not been your experience in these extra ordinary times n which we live?  What is your take on it all? 

Does Mercury have to retrograde?

Well, so far this month, in spite of my best intentions, many things have happened that cost me money and time to fix.
My trusty 2000 Buick got new bearings and steering wheel fluid (an ongoing repair).
The transparent tape I purchased had no lip to cut the tape.
My eyesight seemed to get worse, requiring an eye exam.
Golf cart got its almost new batteries watered because it didn't stay charged for long.
Miracle hunted down a mole and dragged its bloody carcass all over the almost new ground level cement job.
My grandson's band fund raiser order arrived short of a couple of items.
Chopper I purchased from Pamered Chef cracked while chopping blueberries.
Phone company didn't get my payment. Sent a new payment. Now have paid twice.
Enamel cracked on a forty year old four tooth bridge - in my mouth!
Miracle knocked Kindle on the floor because I didn't get up and let her out immediately upon request. Camera snaps crooked pics now.
Smart phone is acting up - screen becoming insensitive to touch - or I might be dead already - who knows where the time goes?!

Many other mishaps during the month were directly of my own making. Therefore, I won't mention them lest you think I am more self-depreciating than I am.

There is a blessing in each small catastrophe, however - somewhere!!

This month while Mercury was in retrograde, I was reminded of how much I have come to depend on "things" and desire for it all to last forever.

When I first returned from Kenya, I continued to wash my clothes in a tub of water by hand for the longest time and boiled water and cooked an egg in the same kettle for tea at the same time. I did not have a car - or a chopper of my own to break and don't recall that cell phones existed yet.

All my "things" have been robbed from me at least three times in my adult life.
I have been humbled many times over, as well.

For the next year, the money I am able to accumulate will go for fixing things instead of traveling.

I have seriously been thinking about having a pre-death estate sale, and maybe even selling my house to be free and clear when my time for transition actually comes. There would be lots less things to fix, too. Yes, I would much prefer to be able to spend the whole of my time connecting with others, especially my family and in service to this community.

Why does it all have to be so difficult?

I am sensing the time has arrived to retreat for awhile to delve into the wisdom of the Higher Self. A serious dialogue is in order now. A new cycle is hoping to begin.

I tend to believe that these two eclipses we just had have catalyzed this need to transform in a good many of of us.  Has this been the case for you? Tell me about it. I Would love to hear from you.

G

The Moment And Its Many Perspectives

We go through life missing so much in each moment because we tend to live in such a narrow range of what is there to experience.
Some of us remember some of the facts - seen, heard, smelled, tasted, touched.
Some of us remember how we were feeling more than anything else.
 Some of us immediately judge the experiences blocking that which does not fit the paradigm.
Some of us stand outside the moment, experiencing it as an outsider, detached from being present, or caught up in a convenient distraction.

Sometimes the immediate response depends on the nature of the experience, which may or may not be different from one's usual patterns of response. Obvious, but for instance, in the case of an extremely traumatic encounter, The first response is probably emotional. If the encounter is a totally new experience, perhaps the response would be to step back and observe what is happening.

 Most of us have learned or are learning to take in the moment with increasing consciousness of what's happening from multi-perspectives.We have learned to reflect deeply and widely and to relate our experiences to that of others.

The experience I find the most extensive to appropriate is when I encounter the gap between what "could-have-been-should-have-been- or might-have- been" and REALITY. LIFE, after all is about Plan B one way or the other most of the time, so this "gap" experience is fairly common, 

However, there are moments when the gap is like being sucked into the center of a hurricane. You are aware that you are contained beyond your ability to control what is happening. Yet, there in that center, the calm brings you into the moment with profound awareness of being there in that place, suspended.

Such has been my experience in reuniting with my daughter, her family, her biological father and his family. Such has been my experience also in encountering high school colleagues after fifty years. Such has been my experience also in connecting with professional colleagues of yore.

Each has required of me, extensive reflection from many perspectives. (Note: I do not use the word "levels" because of the societal connotations or value placed on" levels".). Sometimes I rehearse the series of events and the people involved and my emotional responses over and over, enchanted by the mere occurrence of what i always experience as a delightful miracle -a blessing of which I am not worthy.

Eventually I reflect on the memories the encounter has triggered. Some memories are worth remembering, some are better off releasing. All are worth experiencing again. 

Inspiring meaning from being in the moment always is in retrospect, always after a long walk through critical thinking and depth insight. I keep at it until the "aha" reveals itself like a kitten which finally settles down to purr graciously.

I just cannot live on the surface, playing with the moment and its  unfathomable first encounter. I wish I could sometimes. I wish I could be happy in a coffee clutch chattering away mindlessly. I just can't brush it all off as if it didn't matter in the course of human existence.

That is not me. I am I. 

How about you? What is your course of reflection on the moment by moment encounter with that which is real?

Convergence of Families

On the occasion of my daughter's 50th birthday, both biological and adoptive families and friends congregated to celebrate this milestone in her life.

But wait, there's more! This is the first time that both had gathered in one place period. Some of the members of this clan had never met, nor had they ever dreamed that this might be happening one day.

My daughter's adoptive parents hosted the event. Her two brothers and sister were there, two with their spouses. An uncle was there. Biological father was there with his son. My daughter's son and daughter were there, too.  I was there with two of  my sons. My daughter's childhood best friend was there, her coworkers and friends..

 Everyone got to be who they really were and were able to reach out to these strangers who shared a common connection through my daughter's history in this life's time.

When the party was over, all of the biological family present headed for the ocean up the road.  Biological family members shared conversation as we strolled along the beach and as we hung out on the shore or went swimming.

Once back in the parking lot, the conversation went on for a long time. Finally, we all headed out, one of my son's to return home, the rest of us to go to dinner.

Dinner was at my daughter's favorite Italian restaurant where conversations continued, although some of us began to show our age and accompanying tiredness. My son picked up the tab, much to my surprise and delight.

We talked more outside the restaurant, saying good-bye several times before we were able to go our separate ways.

As I reflect on the day, I would have to say that I was relaxed and not overwhelmed by the miracle of such an occasion. Instead, I experienced it as a natural opportunity to gather for a family member's celebration of life.

I could have regrets for not asking the questions I had ready to ask to all, including my sons. Few asked me questions as well.  Nobody said anything about the significance of this gathering.

I am sure that, like myself, there was quite a bit of observing each other's interactions and presence there. I asked myself a lot of questions, including, "Why am I here?".

Beginning in April 2010, I have reunited with my daughter, reconnected with my daughter's biological father and occasioned their meeting, and been part of other connections made And here we were, a goodly representation of the whole family getting to know each other and celebrating our daughter's, sister's, mother's, niece's and friend's very important birthday.

Maybe there are some of this clan who want to get to know each other much better. I have noticed that my daughter knows me as well as she intends. This appears also to be the same for her biological father and adoptive family and I am ready now to get on with my life, completely at peace now.

For her adoptive parents to be so loving of their daughter, that they would invite us all, an act not yet approved of by their social paradigm, brings me great relief. My daughter has not only well taken care of, she has been completely loved for all these years - by the whole very close family.

As a result of this day, and their hosting this event, my daughter no longer has to have any doubts about the beautiful and brilliant woman she has become, if she has any.  There are no more secrets, no more hesitations, no more holding back from being all that life has to offer.

This was, indeed, my daughter's day in the pure love light of Divine's Blessings.

We all have unrequited yearnings through out our lives.  What is your story?