Denial's Victim

 

What if in breaking free of your own denial you could stop someone from victimizing another? Who would you have to be in order to have your eyes wide open, out of denial, and take a stand for those who are going to be the next victim? 

Debbie Ford wrote this on a facebook post 5/28/11. I had been waiting for answer to form from within my heart when I read this. I had been asking my heart how to respond to a person who wanted to participate in a retreat that I was coordinating.  After several conversations, coerced as I was feeling, I opened the door for him to be on the leadership team planning meeting.

I knew it was a mistake and was hoping that he would realize, during the meeting, that it was not his "calling" to be the leadership for this retreat. During previous conversations, I realized that he really was much more interested in himself and that he was negating anything and anyone that stood in the way of him being the center of attention and the one calling the shots.

At the teleconference,  he was taking up a lot of precious time "selling" himself and his grand accomplishments and impressive credentials - something which the rest of us could also go on about rather impressively as well. Without thinking of the consequences, I said, "Enough with the commercials already~ This isn't a TV show~"

Well, we got on with the meeting just fine, but the next day he called me and told me off royally, using the "f" word more in one breath than a drug addict on a tear uses it in a week! I listened, disinterested, aware that my only intent was to not take his battering tirade personally. Soon after, when he noticed - he  must have noticed - I didn't react to him at all, he became apologetic and appeasing. I let him be appeasing and we ended the conversation.

When I reflected later on what had happened internally while this was going on, I began to see a submissive battered woman energy  that I used to keep myself from insanity years ago, had taken the driver's seat during the conversation. This energy was there protecting me. 

When the conversation was over "her" energy returned to the Hall of Wisdom Gained From Experience and the co-creative woman energy returned to the forefront.  She was able to let this battering bully know there was no place for him in the retreat's purpose or process. His primary purposes would be frustrated by the experience of even coming to the retreat. So, I dis-invited him and his presence.

He made appeasing attempts to reconcile, typical of a batter. While I am a true believer in unconditional positive regard, unconditional love and forgiveness, and have tolerance for people who lose their tempers now and then, I will be nobody's codependant anymore. 

I let the battering bully knows that since his behavior depended on my behavior, that his dependance on pleasing me made me a codependant and I am not willing to play that game.  

I did not include him in the list of participants even though he paid. The treasurer and I emailed him that we would return his money.  This was unsatisfactory to him  and he became the victim - which in cases such as this, is no different than being a battering bully - just a different way to play the game.

Who knows the outcome. He may come to the retreat with revenge in his heart - or be a submissive participant -or he may not come.  Whatever he does does not make a bit of difference. Perhaps my karmic debt has not been paid off. But, then again, maybe it has and I can't see the gift in this encounter yet. 

I do know that I will participate only in   co-creative relationships. My call. This I own. 

Woman are subject to all sorts of unintended batterings and spend most of our lives walking on egg shells - as codependants - in spite of our good intentions and resolve for right relationships. 

Occasionally, we are able to participate in the healing of these relationships.

Occasionally, yes. And more and more often these occasions present themselves these days. The times are slowly changing. There is increasing openness to co-creation.

Where do you find yourself in dialogue with your inner codependant and co-creative selves?

If someone is criticizing you, it’s not because what you’re doing is wrong. It’s because you’re second-guessing yourself. You’ve got your vibration split all over the place. It’s about you not being in alignment with the strongest part of yourself, and you’re just using that person as the excuse for the discord.
- Abraham-Hicks