Denial's Victim

 

What if in breaking free of your own denial you could stop someone from victimizing another? Who would you have to be in order to have your eyes wide open, out of denial, and take a stand for those who are going to be the next victim? 

Debbie Ford wrote this on a facebook post 5/28/11. I had been waiting for answer to form from within my heart when I read this. I had been asking my heart how to respond to a person who wanted to participate in a retreat that I was coordinating.  After several conversations, coerced as I was feeling, I opened the door for him to be on the leadership team planning meeting.

I knew it was a mistake and was hoping that he would realize, during the meeting, that it was not his "calling" to be the leadership for this retreat. During previous conversations, I realized that he really was much more interested in himself and that he was negating anything and anyone that stood in the way of him being the center of attention and the one calling the shots.

At the teleconference,  he was taking up a lot of precious time "selling" himself and his grand accomplishments and impressive credentials - something which the rest of us could also go on about rather impressively as well. Without thinking of the consequences, I said, "Enough with the commercials already~ This isn't a TV show~"

Well, we got on with the meeting just fine, but the next day he called me and told me off royally, using the "f" word more in one breath than a drug addict on a tear uses it in a week! I listened, disinterested, aware that my only intent was to not take his battering tirade personally. Soon after, when he noticed - he  must have noticed - I didn't react to him at all, he became apologetic and appeasing. I let him be appeasing and we ended the conversation.

When I reflected later on what had happened internally while this was going on, I began to see a submissive battered woman energy  that I used to keep myself from insanity years ago, had taken the driver's seat during the conversation. This energy was there protecting me. 

When the conversation was over "her" energy returned to the Hall of Wisdom Gained From Experience and the co-creative woman energy returned to the forefront.  She was able to let this battering bully know there was no place for him in the retreat's purpose or process. His primary purposes would be frustrated by the experience of even coming to the retreat. So, I dis-invited him and his presence.

He made appeasing attempts to reconcile, typical of a batter. While I am a true believer in unconditional positive regard, unconditional love and forgiveness, and have tolerance for people who lose their tempers now and then, I will be nobody's codependant anymore. 

I let the battering bully knows that since his behavior depended on my behavior, that his dependance on pleasing me made me a codependant and I am not willing to play that game.  

I did not include him in the list of participants even though he paid. The treasurer and I emailed him that we would return his money.  This was unsatisfactory to him  and he became the victim - which in cases such as this, is no different than being a battering bully - just a different way to play the game.

Who knows the outcome. He may come to the retreat with revenge in his heart - or be a submissive participant -or he may not come.  Whatever he does does not make a bit of difference. Perhaps my karmic debt has not been paid off. But, then again, maybe it has and I can't see the gift in this encounter yet. 

I do know that I will participate only in   co-creative relationships. My call. This I own. 

Woman are subject to all sorts of unintended batterings and spend most of our lives walking on egg shells - as codependants - in spite of our good intentions and resolve for right relationships. 

Occasionally, we are able to participate in the healing of these relationships.

Occasionally, yes. And more and more often these occasions present themselves these days. The times are slowly changing. There is increasing openness to co-creation.

Where do you find yourself in dialogue with your inner codependant and co-creative selves?

If someone is criticizing you, it’s not because what you’re doing is wrong. It’s because you’re second-guessing yourself. You’ve got your vibration split all over the place. It’s about you not being in alignment with the strongest part of yourself, and you’re just using that person as the excuse for the discord.
- Abraham-Hicks

 

Antidisestablishmentarianism

Photograph  by Kurt Rolfes while rocking back and forth in a row boat. 
Where the dragon fly hovers, the water is pure.

A-N-T-I-D-I-S-E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H-M-E-N-T-A-R-I-A-N-I-S-M.

When I was in elementary school, this word was the longest word in the dictionary - 28 letters.
Being able to spell it without stopping was considered a great feat.
Many of us could do it with ease.

I don't remember it ever coming up in history class as a major political event or otherwise. As I recall, however, there was the Anglican Church. Then there were those who broke away from it - maybe the Baptists. This group would be the disestablishment. Then there were those who thought that was an atrocity and waged a big campaign to stop the (.e.) Baptists - that was antidisestablishementarianism.

i was reminded of this word the other day when I heard a radio political commentary entertainer refer to President Obama as an antidisestablishmentarianist.  That does not correlate, in my perspective, with the original meaning or this political correlation.

(Yes, now and then I have a strong opinion.)

There is the very conservative party - establishment. Then there is the liberal party - the disestablishment. Then there is the Tea Party and very audible media campaign the members of which don't want the change that is happening.This movement, I contend, is antidisestablishmentarianism..

Before I continue, I want to note that I have only made a judgment about the reasoning of the political commentary entertainer, not about who is good, bad, or ugly. This same entertainer has a take on Atlas Shrugged, too, one which I also would argue. But, that is another story.

Many organizations are going through change today. They are hiring systems analysts and organizational developers to assist them in the transition. In each of these, there is the way "we've always done things", those who have either suggested or initiated changes, and those who are raising the roof - or backing off from participation in stoic resignation -  in protest of both the status quo and the attempt to make things work for the better.  These roof raisers and/ or stoics, I contend, are the antidisestablishmentarianists.

There has to be another dynamic working, or nothing is going to change. I didn't create the dynamic, but have come to know it as the transestablishment. Those who stand with a foot in both the established ways of operating and one in change that has become obviously needed. The people who choose to stand with a foot in each dynamic - honoring the way it has been and affirming the indicatives of change, are, from my perspective,  the true  social change agents.

These are the people who will facilitate positive change, - new models in which all the earth belongs to all -  even if the change is of a metamorphic nature.

The transestablishment doesn't have a predetermined map, set of trusted procedures, or a stance that is easily understood.  It is creativity in its purest form - that which comes right from Soul.

Where do you choose to stand?

Oombulgurri - Embracing the Worst Case Scenario

Center of Sun Wheel created by students at U Mass in Amherst

News of our assignment to Australia - to Oombulgurri Human Development Project - occasioned terror and the injustice of leaving the children behind balanced by a sense of the call to great adventure and participation in a grand strategy to alleviate human suffering globally.

Mimi Shinn and her husband, Ed, had begun the project. She had stories to tell of what she had encountered returning to what had been an abandoned mission for some twenty-five years. Local wild life had claimed the abandoned buildings as their homes - most particularly the snakes.
The world atlas showed that the highest concentration of poisonous snakes in the world lived in the Kimberly region - where Oombulgurri was located.

The most vivid story  Mimi told was of her taking a nap one hot afternoon when they first arrived,  surrounded by unpacked boxes, on a cot in the middle of the room. When she awoke, there were snakes dangling from the boxes in every direction. She had little choice but to stay  right where she was until they slowly slithered away.

Hearing that story left me in a place of sheer terror. I was terrified of snakes as it was, but the pending reality of  having to live with them  was reason for consideration of what it would take to actually give in to this great adventure.

My husband and I took trips to the Chicago zoo and I would stand in front of these glclass cages with snakes inside in snakes. Each time one so much as moved, I panicked. Adjustment and desensitization to be in charge of the terror took several trips, none of which I was willing to venture off on my own to do.

We spent ten days in Singapore on stand by. While there we participated in the festivities of the Year of the Snake. I remember still how that celebration and the  snake like  decorations weaving through a parade, provided a more receptive image of the possibility of encountering a snake.

While in Oombulgurri, I finally adjusted to the fact that snakes were somewhere and I learned to be wary, as I would of crossing a street in  NYC  or Chicago traffic. When I would take an early morning walk to the river, there were many tracks showing where snakes had crossed the sand path during the night. There were tracks left by a snake now and then that had come through a hole in our bedroom and left.

One of the elders of the community taught me how to walk through the grass so as not to disturb or frighten a snake, and thus be safe - not that I ever had the courage after that to walk through the grass. But, I was grateful for the skill of learning to walk like a feather.

When my sons finally joined us in Australia, they cut loose and ran fearlessly through the fields and everywhere else their feet would take them - while I held my breath through it all.

The  truth is, I only actually saw a snake three times  while I was there. One time, the young boys in the village chased me with a door snake - a harmless, yet ominous looking thing.

The second time, one was swimming along the new boat that the Department of Aboriginal Affairs had given to the community. That snake was longer than the boat.

The third time, there was a lorry load of blokes driving out to Jandungi. One of the youth spotted a snake, jumped off the lorry, picked up a stone, and bulls eyed the thing, killing it on the spot.

Jandungi was a pool at the beginning of the Forrest River, probably created by a spring. The layered red rock rose high above it on one side. The other side was a sandy beach in a gently wooded area.  Ancient lore had it that it was the home of the rainbow snake - the beginning of alllife.  I loved to go there . It was a sacred spot and I felt very safe., whether or not there was a rainbow snake or any other kind of snake there or not.

There  is something about encountering sacred space in an otherwise unwelcome environment that makes the terror of the unknown there worth it all.

I have since found other sacred spaces in the wilderness, but none quite as special as was Jandungi, near Oombulgurri and all its terror of possibly encountering a poisonous and deadly snake.

And guess what, I am still here to tell this story.

What is your story of experiencing sheer terror and then finding the safe sacred space within that environment? 

We are Each Other's Guardian Angel

As I was driving to the festival for a second day, it occurred to me that I was a really lucky volunteer to have been given two prime positions in a row. I wondered who made those assignments and I really wanted to express my gratitude for such a gift.

First day, I was at a main stage in the heart of the original St. Augustine settlement and got to hear all the musicians I would have chosen - those I had heard before and loved.  This second day, I was going to be at the main stage at the marina to hear the "stars' of the weekend. Although they had been around for awhile, I had never heard them - only of them. Both days, he wind was blowing in from the ocean, sun shone brightly, and the temperature about 80 degrees F. There were enough volunteers swarming around for me to be able to take a lunch break to go hear Dale Crider. I really wanted to hear what he is singing these days. He's one of those many Gainesville, FL professionals who love music and have been part of the folk scene for - yes, decades.

I had the radio playing on the Flagler college station, broadcasting from the folk festival.  In the middle of my reflections on the greatness of the whole weekend, a song came on the radio. The words were something like  "We are each other's guardian angels. We come into each other's lives just when needed. Then we go our separate ways."

Somebody sure had been my guardian angel this weekend.

The Milltop Restaurant on St. George's Street, St. Augustine

I thought of other times in my life when this was also true.

When has this been true for you - someone was your guardian angel just when you needed one?

Music as Healer

Dale Crider wrote songs about ecology and preservation of the wildlife long before it became a popular movement. Here he is playng in the Tradewinds, near the Bridge of Lions,  about lunchtime on Sunday.

Blue Grass and Mozart share the same healing quality, or so has been my own experience.

 The one who will be healed begins with centering in that very special place deep within heart space. Some healers will argue that the place from which healing energy comes is beyond the astral planes.
Others will say it comes from God.  Any of these will do, as long as there is loving intent and pure focus  on the healing process.

Some people can become silent, focus on breathing, and access this place of healing energy with their eyes closed.  However, there are others of us who prefer to draw from the environment to guide us into that same place.

For me, music is my guide - played by a musician who is performing from that special heart space. Mozart wrote from that place. Folk music, especially blue grass - being born in this Western culture to which I belong - primarily, was written from that special place.

Heart space, musician's heart space, and songwriter's heart space, together makes for optimal healing.

I find the Gamble Rogers Festival in St. Augustine, to be the presence of these three dynamics. Not all of the performers, but a good share, sing from their hearts.  They are performing music written from deep within heart space.

Lately, I have noticed that many new songs being written and performed have a social concern theme. Some on ecology, some on poverty, some on war, some on peace.  I find myself wondering what is the new movement of social change that is beginning to grow today.

I go, open to the healing available. I am never disappointed. Having felt at home there, and having become totally saturated with  music, I come home with a renewed passion for life's purpose.

How do you take care of yourself?