So Real Now

Paige, Kathleen, Caroline

It isn't that my three sons and their families are not the love of my life. They are, and their families, too.

It's about the newness that I feel to have a real life connection with my daughter, and her daughters. And that she has a real life connection with them, too. 

My dearest long time friend has two grand daughters. They are not yet eight years old. But, she has been so happy with their birth and spending time with them as they grow. I have been envious of her blessing  while also being so delighted for her as she has shared her life with them with me.

Perhaps I shall never create real life memories with these three beautiful women who are also my family.  Then again, even a phone call or a facebook posting is more real than it used to be before I was so blessed this year when actually  being in the same place on this earth with Caroline and Paige, and then Kathleen on the phone.

They have all had great lives. For that I am grateful. Now, getting to know them will be as dreams come true  - those everyone lives for in their own way.

There are no expectations about how it all should proceed or turn out. I am, and will continue to be magnificently grateful for the gift of each memory created, whatever its form. I have been so blessed with the revelation of their existence and knowing that they are faring well.

This alone is enough to experience life as complete. I don't believe I would be in this state of being without  being blessed with awareness of that reality which is beyond any of us to explain.

This same beauteous light of the world, also beckons us on to create new memories.

So, let the create great memories journey begin!

p.s. I am also blessed and grateful for meeting a new grandson, Justin, and for my own children being so open to getting to know their newly extended family.

I write these vignettes, not for the final purpose of telling you all about me. I write them to trigger your own similar experiences on the journey through a life time. Your dream may be of a new generation of leadership, or peace on earth, or the end of poverty, I certainly have those dreams.

What are yours? 

What dreams have come true for you?

What's next?

Daily Rain

Taken by my grandson, Wilder, with my new and improved camera (which I have yet to learn to use fully). It is a photo taken fromt he porch of an afternoon rainstorm. The rain appears to be falling as particles of light.

Many novels that have been written about life in Florida . Many include short afternoon rainstorms.  It's been years since I have experienced this daily down pour. This year , knock on wood, will be a"traditional"  northern Florida summer (sans hurricane or total drought).

This is also the end of my keystone, turning point, momentous, and inevitable 65th year. About to become 66, I am grateful for this daily rain.

I sit on my porch, reflect on all that this year has been, listen to the thunder rumble, watch the lightning strike, and enjoy the washing away and cooling off ritual of it all.

I always appreciate the environment's cooperation with meditation time. It's like being surrounded by a meditative circle of friends.

Kaunda, a former leader of Zambia was a poet as well. A few of his words come back to me often. I use them, still, as I begin these rainstorm meditations. This is it:

"Let us awake to the wonder of the rising sun, where the darkness has warmth, and the rain is a joy!"

Isn't it all a wonder to behold?

How do you connect with this every day way to the other side of letting go, of forgiveness? for the imperfections?

Parasailing

When my grandson, Wilder, was born, I drove up from Florida to Utica, NY, to pick up his half brother, Brandyn. We drove to NYC with excited anticipation. When we arrived, we were not welcome. We did get to meet Wilder and get some sleep, but it was not a bonding time for any of us.

When Wilder was two, he came to visit me with his father, Rob. His two uncles - Russ and Randy, and Brandyn came too. We all had a fine time.

Five or six years later, Wilder and his mother, Cassandra, lived in Texas. Rob was visiting them and they called me on the phone. I talked to Wilder, who was not very receptive. I would say something to which he responded, "Whatever."

So, I finally said to him, "You may want to get to know me someday. When you are ready, I will be happy to have you in my life."  A good cry eccompanied the letting go process and I left that moment in my heart space as a promise.

Wilder is now fourteen and is visiting me for a week. We have been having a great time.

Sunday, we went parasailing.  There we were one thousand feet in the air floating in the sky over the ocean. I reflected on our journey and on the promise in my heart space that had finally become a flower in full bloom. Although my image of this moment was not one of hanging out in the air like this, it nevertheless was a precious and priceless dream come true.

Three generations later. We are family.

All of us have those memories of estrangement and eventual reunion.
What has been your experience?

What Ifs...

Lately, every little thing that hppens elicits a memory of something I have experienced in my lifetime. Could it be that I have come full circle and am doing it all again. I suspect not. I would prefer to believe that the reflective mode has kicked into automatic for awhile.  In that space, encounters of the  moment trigger similarities from history.

At times, I have been consumed with the events of the past which have come alive again. I relive them, very aware of the gaps in the memory, yearning to remember the parts which remain in the dark, out of reach. Events which were emotionally charged have more vivid details, with less darkness.

Reminding myself of, or remembering, the context from which these memories came, keeps it all in perspective. Without that, there is blame, shame, undue pride, guilt, and other illusory feelings.

Most of all, I have been struggling greatly with maintaining a perrspective between who I was back when and who I am today. Invariably, who I am today would have created different memories of back when. 

It all becomes a "what if" game which finally reminds me that I am different, wiser today, able to care about another's welfare. Having lived the life of a social change agent, intending to relieve human suffering, "what if" I had cared for myself and taught those I was training to care for themselves and each other? For the sake of the changes - that being local community development - what I worked for  might be a sustainable self-replicating reality today already.

But, it was what it was. All of it is stampted approved. So much living to do today. Only difference seems to be the sense of freedom to choose where and how to walk the talk today! Follow my bliss today! Dance with it on out to the other end of life! 

What's one of your "What if"s?
When transformed from its "should have", "could have", "would have", state of being to whtever is on the stage to perform next, what is the scenario you are creating?