Highlights and Learnings of 2014

Full eclipse of the setting sun at Lake Stella, Crescent City, FL.

Sunrise on retreat in NC

Five candles for Advent, eight candles for Hanukkah, and seven candles for Kwanzaa.
Advent to anticipate the coming of the Word that sustains us.
Hanukkah to remember the miracle of sustained light.
Kwanzaa to celebrate the qualities which sustain humanness.
All within the same Solstice Season of the return of the sun - a festival of lights.
These have been holy days to anticipate new light, to be grateful for light, to honor  the light within us all.
This has been a most amazing year, ablaze with light throughout the days.

This has been a year of connecting with, caring for, and living on both firey hearth and serene mountain top  in the center of Being.

On retreat north of Toronto, Canada

Three retreats in the first part of the year - a meditation retreat with Larry and Peggy Ward, a Oneness retreat with Michael Miller, and a mountain top retreat with Hedi Weiler. In all three of these, I was reminded again and again, the power of meditation in physical, emotional, and spiritual well being if we are to be of service to a healthy future for this planet.

With Bob and Cynthia Vance in Savannah

With John and Lynda Cock in Greensboro

In that first part of the year, I also was able to spend rare and precious time with long time friends and family. I learned from these encounters, the importance of gentle conversation in experiencing life as profound and worthwhile.

Then the big event of the first half of the year! Open heart surgery and equally as profound - the recovery. With a new mitral valve, I feel stronger, happier, and filled with more energy than I have in years. In this whole ordeal, which really was more like a sojourn in a recovery mode, I have learned to slow down, breathe mindfully, and prioritize my engagement accordingly. Changing my life style has been a total blessing, providing time and space to actually experience every moment with all the perspectives - now very much including beauty and joy.

Grandson, Wilder, graduated from high school, an event I promised myself I would not miss. I had to choose between the heart surgery and recovering in time for a momentous occasion in September or to go to his graduation and then have the surgery. I learned that, in breaking a promise to oneself, life is nevertheless redeemable. I was able to send him, for college,  all the money I would have spent on the brief trip there. He had a wonderful graduation with his mother, father and half-brother and all his great group of friends.

Wilder's grandparents: Mr. and Mrs. Gaylor and I, with Uncle Dick.

After spending my 70th birthday all by myself, with phone calls from folks and facebook messages, I was surprised that I was totally okay with this birthday - even though 70th birthdays are traditionally occasions for big bashes.  I learned that karma had paid a a visit on this birthday and blessed me with the awareness that I am accepted and whole and perfect, and that I am sustained by this from within my own heart. This was a perfect present for becoming 70.

The whole clan at Caroline's 50th in Little Compton, RI

Then on September 6th, there was an especially spectacular celebration of my daughter Caroline's 50th  birthday. Hosted by her adoptive parents, also present were her adoptive siblings and her own children, two of my three sons, her natural father and his son, other relatives and friends. In an informal sunny afternoon gathering, a good time was had by all. In my reflections, I have realized that an intent of a trusting nature has almost all to do with everything that led to this grand celebration of a  reality that had been hidden for so many years.  Now, all the dust has settled and I have learned to digest this whole story, with joy and gratitude, just as it has been so graciously given .

Dick has struggled with some physical problems this year and has been caring for his aunt who is increasingly showing signs of dementia. He  seems to have them under control for the time being. I really learned to appreciate his loving kindness as he cared for me through my recovery and his. I believe the experience  brought us to a new level of relationship. We might even buy a king sized bed together. One never knows!!

(Almost) the whole of Gail and Henry's clan in Cleveland, TX

We took two trips together this year. We flew to Dallas, rented a car and drove to southeastern TX where his sister's whole family gathered to greet him. He was beside himself with joy that they all would make that effort!!! We drove west to San Antonio where I met Rob's in-laws for the very first time ever after some twenty-five years.. We drove to Dallas to the Bush library and museum and then to northeastern OK for a blues festival in Rentiesville. Finally, we drove to southwestern OK to spend a few days with my son Randy, Stephanie and Chris and Maddie.

with Maddie and Chris in Lawton, OK

We both learned that, in spite of our common new found energy, it is possible to bite off more than is comfortable, even though living with a new story about going big and not staying home before the end of life on this earth. Upon landing in Orlando, we drove home in a dark moon. Neither one of us can see well enough to drive comfortably in the dark.

In November we took a road trip up through Georgia to northern NC. We

Diane and Bob on their hearth

visited the mother of his best friend in Georgia then after a night in Augusta, we drove to Columbus and up a mountain to visit an old time work friend and his wife, Diane and Bob Wallace. The GPS said 2.8 miles - 45 minutes and indeed it was hairpin turn after hairpin turn. The house with its decks built over seemingly nothing, overlooked the vastness of the valley. A waterfall, which began just above their home as a creek, fell straight down. It was once the longest waterfall in the Appalachian chain. All very breathtaking, I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

 Nor would I have missed the trip across the state to the ocean to visit with my niece and her family. They have a new little one, Jonathan and my sister-in-

Leanne, Brian, David, Jonathan, and Gramma Nelson

law is there full time taking care of things so my niece could go back to work.  That we had such a real family time together, again was a blessing that the years which have gone by already has made possible.

 Dick just had cataract surgery on both eyes so we should be good to go, if we ever opt for another road trip.

The holidays were unusually social this year.Dick and I drove to Tampa for Thanksgiving with brother Pete and his family.

Nephew Lee and his son, Jacob (and Sara in the photo)

. Instead of 12 for brunch on Christmas Day, we had about 30 for dinner.

The hors d'oeuvres table

 I also hosted my sorority before Christmas for a really fun luncheon.

Beta Sigma Phi sisters

We went to a party down the street with people we knew and met for the first time as we shared the best appetizers I ever ate and listened to the jazz combo while sipping on our cocktails.

The neighbors home at the other end of Lake Street

We went to dinner with two other couples on New Years Eve and I went to bed and did not wake at midnight for the first time in I do believe Ever. 

With the Marshalls and the Russells.

 Then another party on New Years Day with more delicious food.
In fact, in this second half of the year, there have been many gatherings with friends and family which makes for an unusual and delightfully new kind of year.

 Rob and Russ were here for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and in and out after that. Celebrating the holidays with friends was great fun, but most precious of all was the time with family. I would give anything to have just one holiday with all my children and grandchildren in one place at the same time. Just once.  Nevertheless, celebrating the holidays is celebrating life as it is - and it was really good - especially the food and the hearty laughter.

So, to wind down a lengthy tale of a year which began as a solitary journey and evolved into a grand finale together in community with others, celebrating the Light  and the joy we experience as Light shines on each event.

While the greatest learning of all this year has been developing the practice of slowing down in mindful anticipation of the present moment, now the time is coming to focus the Light on the form of service to the Divine in local community.

How will I respond to what I know as human suffering in the world today? How will you respond? How will you take care of yourself so you can creatively respond with your life's work?

The cascading waterfall on the mountain in Columbus, NC.
An image for 2015.

A Tale of a Solstice Matryoshka

I have had my eye on this group of antique Matryoshka, or babushka nesting dolls, which has been for sale at Bag Ladies up on the main drag.

Having committed myself to no more purchases of this kind - ever, I was nevertheless drawn to this particular set. In fact, I dreamed of it one night which is what led me to reconsider my new decision.

 Stopping in the store the other day, just to pass the time before a yoga class, - of course, lo and behold, the set was on sale, in an affordable range, so I went home for some money, returned and purchased this dreamed of object.

I had inspected it in previous visits and it was in good shape. However, when I got it home and un-nested each doll, one of the dolls was stuck in the other. After googling a remedy,  I followed through what I found and the stuck doll detached easily, none the worse for wear.

 It had, however grown too large to replace, even after two days of drying.  So, I put the nine other dolls into their nests and left out the one which did not fit in  anymore. I could have made the set into two sets, but followed my intuition and sat her next to the other.

 Then, I spent what must have been a half hour or so contemplating the quality of this disidentified doll.  Was it a misfit, a lone wolf, damaged property, malformed, a black swan, a rebel, renegade, an egomaniac - or was she an evolutionary warp in the established norm?

Settling on the later, I began to wonder what she was becoming that is new and uniquely a metamorphosis, the process catalyzed by the present environment.

 Of course, that was it! This particular doll was setting out on her own path into the future anticipating that what might be considered a damaged doll was instead a pioneering venture into the mode of fitting into the times in which we live.

Then I began to wonder about the other nine dolls. The tiniest of the Matryoshka is a wee baby, with no designs painted on her. What is her design and destiny in today's world  as we are coming to know it and increasingly experiencing ourselves as not fitting into its ebb and flow? What is the purpose of the other Matryoshka in this nest?

Finally, I took the baby out of the nest of nine, and placed it inside this evolutionary metamorphosis of a Matryoshka fractal!!! A most "fitting" metaphor of becoming today.

what is different about today than the way we were - even yesterday?

On this Winter Solstice 2014, as we are celebrating the return of the sun from its place which creates healing darkness in the world, may we all be blessed with its brightNEW light shining on the promise of a sunlit year to come.

Grateful for Beating Heart

Coming down the mountain in Columbus,NC

Ever since I had my mitral valve replaced with a mechanical valve, I have had the privilege of listening to the beat of my heart, especially when I am in even a slightly prone position,

Miracle, my cat, and Jonathan, my four month old grand nephew both love to fall asleep to its beat.

Since surgery at the end of May, his heartbeat has taken a journey from being extremely irregular, erratic, and unpredictable to a normal steady pace without even the life-long skip beat I was probably born with.

I have abused my heart with physical and emotional stress and patterns of negative thinking. Needless to say, my heart on many occasions, most noticeably in recent years, let me know that it was having to work too hard to keep up with me and was plain worn out.

Even though I am well trained and accustomed to listening to my body and responding as I intuit fit, I continued at the same pace in stressful situations in which I found little if any enjoyment. In other words, I refused to stop the way I was living my life to slow down, change what I was doing, and explore  doing what I love,

I am also really good at mindful breathing, healthy eating, energy exercise and inner healing. I practiced them, and still do,  religiously. If you ever think you can be healthy by doing all this and avoiding the heart of the matter, let me be a witness to how it is just putting off the inevitable.

As I laid in bed this morning, shortly after awakening, I was listening to my heart beat, slowly and steadily, and quite suddenly was feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for the loyalty of my heart for its seventy years of unconditional service. I was in heart's space and was experiencing "my heart" as "Heart"

Heart is nurtured and sustained by continual presencing of the love of the Divine, from within and around.

Heart needs to be living out this time on earth as a gentle flowing dance. This maintains Heart's purpose for beating.

Apparently, I am finally learning the flowing rhythm of this dance and I will continue to let Heart lead the way.

Like the yearly cycle of a mountain tree, buds to vibrant green, to brilliant color and its harvest,  to barren branches, the cycle continues when dancing with this flow is the choice of Heart.

Have you been paying attention  to your Heart's desire?

The Fathomless Abyss

This year has been an incredibly full year in so many ways.
Events in the world, in my community, in the lives of people I know, and in my life have been way beyond ordinary. Each event has been an amazing never before told story already told or waiting to be told.

 Nothing has been plain and simple. So many unexpected results, breakthroughs, completed cycles, new life, abundance of transitions, realization of long held dreams, travels among breathtaking vistas, tender connections to loved ones, puzzling turns of the tides, radical individual decisions - have filled the air with wonder - "aha" wonder and "what the hell is happening?" wonder, as well.

As a peoples inhabiting this living organism called Planet Earth, we are being shaken to the core of existence by the accumulating impact of our vast creative and destructive potential and our accompanying awareness of our fragility, temporality AND increasing resolve to be alive and thrive.

I find myself drawn to storytelling.  What is the story that is the strong and durable net that holds us over this vast abyss of unknown wonder that seems to be prevailing in the mundane daily routines which are anything but ordinary today?

Stories from a place of deep resolve of  positive alternatives to a  Planet in danger in so many ways?
Stories from heart space of connecting in a greater depth in relationships?
Stories of realizing dreams held for what seems like forever?

So much is happening that is either obviously a blessing or deep within its meaning a blessing is still a seed.  I am so aware of the abyss which separates me from life in the past and life today. Gone forever, not forgotten, everything is a story ready to be written in stone, only to some day become the vast abyss once again.

Has this not been your experience in these extra ordinary times n which we live?  What is your take on it all? 

Does Mercury have to retrograde?

Well, so far this month, in spite of my best intentions, many things have happened that cost me money and time to fix.
My trusty 2000 Buick got new bearings and steering wheel fluid (an ongoing repair).
The transparent tape I purchased had no lip to cut the tape.
My eyesight seemed to get worse, requiring an eye exam.
Golf cart got its almost new batteries watered because it didn't stay charged for long.
Miracle hunted down a mole and dragged its bloody carcass all over the almost new ground level cement job.
My grandson's band fund raiser order arrived short of a couple of items.
Chopper I purchased from Pamered Chef cracked while chopping blueberries.
Phone company didn't get my payment. Sent a new payment. Now have paid twice.
Enamel cracked on a forty year old four tooth bridge - in my mouth!
Miracle knocked Kindle on the floor because I didn't get up and let her out immediately upon request. Camera snaps crooked pics now.
Smart phone is acting up - screen becoming insensitive to touch - or I might be dead already - who knows where the time goes?!

Many other mishaps during the month were directly of my own making. Therefore, I won't mention them lest you think I am more self-depreciating than I am.

There is a blessing in each small catastrophe, however - somewhere!!

This month while Mercury was in retrograde, I was reminded of how much I have come to depend on "things" and desire for it all to last forever.

When I first returned from Kenya, I continued to wash my clothes in a tub of water by hand for the longest time and boiled water and cooked an egg in the same kettle for tea at the same time. I did not have a car - or a chopper of my own to break and don't recall that cell phones existed yet.

All my "things" have been robbed from me at least three times in my adult life.
I have been humbled many times over, as well.

For the next year, the money I am able to accumulate will go for fixing things instead of traveling.

I have seriously been thinking about having a pre-death estate sale, and maybe even selling my house to be free and clear when my time for transition actually comes. There would be lots less things to fix, too. Yes, I would much prefer to be able to spend the whole of my time connecting with others, especially my family and in service to this community.

Why does it all have to be so difficult?

I am sensing the time has arrived to retreat for awhile to delve into the wisdom of the Higher Self. A serious dialogue is in order now. A new cycle is hoping to begin.

I tend to believe that these two eclipses we just had have catalyzed this need to transform in a good many of of us.  Has this been the case for you? Tell me about it. I Would love to hear from you.

G

The Moment And Its Many Perspectives

We go through life missing so much in each moment because we tend to live in such a narrow range of what is there to experience.
Some of us remember some of the facts - seen, heard, smelled, tasted, touched.
Some of us remember how we were feeling more than anything else.
 Some of us immediately judge the experiences blocking that which does not fit the paradigm.
Some of us stand outside the moment, experiencing it as an outsider, detached from being present, or caught up in a convenient distraction.

Sometimes the immediate response depends on the nature of the experience, which may or may not be different from one's usual patterns of response. Obvious, but for instance, in the case of an extremely traumatic encounter, The first response is probably emotional. If the encounter is a totally new experience, perhaps the response would be to step back and observe what is happening.

 Most of us have learned or are learning to take in the moment with increasing consciousness of what's happening from multi-perspectives.We have learned to reflect deeply and widely and to relate our experiences to that of others.

The experience I find the most extensive to appropriate is when I encounter the gap between what "could-have-been-should-have-been- or might-have- been" and REALITY. LIFE, after all is about Plan B one way or the other most of the time, so this "gap" experience is fairly common, 

However, there are moments when the gap is like being sucked into the center of a hurricane. You are aware that you are contained beyond your ability to control what is happening. Yet, there in that center, the calm brings you into the moment with profound awareness of being there in that place, suspended.

Such has been my experience in reuniting with my daughter, her family, her biological father and his family. Such has been my experience also in encountering high school colleagues after fifty years. Such has been my experience also in connecting with professional colleagues of yore.

Each has required of me, extensive reflection from many perspectives. (Note: I do not use the word "levels" because of the societal connotations or value placed on" levels".). Sometimes I rehearse the series of events and the people involved and my emotional responses over and over, enchanted by the mere occurrence of what i always experience as a delightful miracle -a blessing of which I am not worthy.

Eventually I reflect on the memories the encounter has triggered. Some memories are worth remembering, some are better off releasing. All are worth experiencing again. 

Inspiring meaning from being in the moment always is in retrospect, always after a long walk through critical thinking and depth insight. I keep at it until the "aha" reveals itself like a kitten which finally settles down to purr graciously.

I just cannot live on the surface, playing with the moment and its  unfathomable first encounter. I wish I could sometimes. I wish I could be happy in a coffee clutch chattering away mindlessly. I just can't brush it all off as if it didn't matter in the course of human existence.

That is not me. I am I. 

How about you? What is your course of reflection on the moment by moment encounter with that which is real?

Convergence of Families

On the occasion of my daughter's 50th birthday, both biological and adoptive families and friends congregated to celebrate this milestone in her life.

But wait, there's more! This is the first time that both had gathered in one place period. Some of the members of this clan had never met, nor had they ever dreamed that this might be happening one day.

My daughter's adoptive parents hosted the event. Her two brothers and sister were there, two with their spouses. An uncle was there. Biological father was there with his son. My daughter's son and daughter were there, too.  I was there with two of  my sons. My daughter's childhood best friend was there, her coworkers and friends..

 Everyone got to be who they really were and were able to reach out to these strangers who shared a common connection through my daughter's history in this life's time.

When the party was over, all of the biological family present headed for the ocean up the road.  Biological family members shared conversation as we strolled along the beach and as we hung out on the shore or went swimming.

Once back in the parking lot, the conversation went on for a long time. Finally, we all headed out, one of my son's to return home, the rest of us to go to dinner.

Dinner was at my daughter's favorite Italian restaurant where conversations continued, although some of us began to show our age and accompanying tiredness. My son picked up the tab, much to my surprise and delight.

We talked more outside the restaurant, saying good-bye several times before we were able to go our separate ways.

As I reflect on the day, I would have to say that I was relaxed and not overwhelmed by the miracle of such an occasion. Instead, I experienced it as a natural opportunity to gather for a family member's celebration of life.

I could have regrets for not asking the questions I had ready to ask to all, including my sons. Few asked me questions as well.  Nobody said anything about the significance of this gathering.

I am sure that, like myself, there was quite a bit of observing each other's interactions and presence there. I asked myself a lot of questions, including, "Why am I here?".

Beginning in April 2010, I have reunited with my daughter, reconnected with my daughter's biological father and occasioned their meeting, and been part of other connections made And here we were, a goodly representation of the whole family getting to know each other and celebrating our daughter's, sister's, mother's, niece's and friend's very important birthday.

Maybe there are some of this clan who want to get to know each other much better. I have noticed that my daughter knows me as well as she intends. This appears also to be the same for her biological father and adoptive family and I am ready now to get on with my life, completely at peace now.

For her adoptive parents to be so loving of their daughter, that they would invite us all, an act not yet approved of by their social paradigm, brings me great relief. My daughter has not only well taken care of, she has been completely loved for all these years - by the whole very close family.

As a result of this day, and their hosting this event, my daughter no longer has to have any doubts about the beautiful and brilliant woman she has become, if she has any.  There are no more secrets, no more hesitations, no more holding back from being all that life has to offer.

This was, indeed, my daughter's day in the pure love light of Divine's Blessings.

We all have unrequited yearnings through out our lives.  What is your story?

And a Very Old Soul Is She

Don't recall if I took this one or someone else - using it anyway.

Now I am seventy years old. My experience of this reality is one of relief. Finally I can acknowledge that I am an elder in the family and in society. Perhaps I will wait until eighty to become a crone, but maidenhood and motherhood have grown, bloomed, withered, and returned to seed. 

I no longer have to produce anything.

I no longer have to behave "appropriately.

I no longer have to be somewhere on time.

I no longer have to physically present myself in fashion suitable to the social setting.

I no longer have to be other than that which I am and always have been.

This, of course, is true for anyone at any age, but these occur to me now in a powerful way at seventy years old.

I will state for the annals what I have learned about myself, with the intent of now and forevermore being just that with "tidings of comfort and joy".

At heart, I am a solitary journer through this incarnation.

I exist and am One with the Divine Mystery of Life.

I am open to and embrace change, an inevitable reality.

I have a global concrete way of experiencing life, seeing the big picture first .

My social skills suffer in a group life environment, socially and as a worker.

I make decisions based on my intuition, creating meaning and purpose for them later.

I manifest my own life from the dreams I have created.

I am accepting of others ways, and unconditionally forgiving.

I am hypersensitive in many ways, psychic in others.

I am dedicated to alleviating human suffering through a community renewal approach.

Most of all I know I have not been all these qualities with great frequency,

 but intend to honor them as my life and let them exist freely more and more each day.

I expect to be spending my birthday alone. There will be no great surprise party with hundreds of people, delicious gourmet food, and millions of presents, including an account of a life gloriously lived.  But, this year, being alone is perfectly all right. In fact, it makes perfect sense, is a solid foundation for dancing into this elder phase of life. I am now really an old soul and will feel old with joy in my heart.

What have you learned about having lived your life? Are you ready to embrace who you are and dance? 

To do so is a healing exercise in trust.

Mildred Pierce, the Sopranos and I

While watching HBO showing, two in particular - Mildred Pierce and the Sopranos,  I began to realize that they were more than a light escape.

Set during the Great Depression, Mildred Pierce highlighted men's struggle to find work and women's picking up the slack to bring  in enough to meet the families' needs. The main characters are  Mildred Pierce, middle class suburban housewife., and her daughter who had an unwarranted belief that she was better than the common lot of their blue class family and had a sense of entitlement to anything her heart so desired.

After asking myself over and over how her daughter had acquired her habits, it finally occurred to me that this was a story about extreme co-dependence, which I am sure mushroomed during this period in history, given that some seemed to have enough money to drink a lot and there was always someone around to carry on in spite of this. Mildred Pierce had built herself an empire of restaurants, using her housekeeping skills and what turned out to be the bad advise of a financial specialist and friend.

The daughter, having been given absolutely everything she ever wanted, managed to strategize to acquire all of her mother's assets and more and walked away with it all lock, stock, and barrel.

This left Mildred with her husband, who she had divorced and now remarried, and the house where they began their married lives. They were ready to start from scratch.  And so it ended. I wonder if Mildred learned her life lessons?

Then there was the full six seasons of the Sopranos. In case you are not familiar, it revolves around Tony Soprano, the eventual Don of the Mafia family in New Jersey.  Throughout the seasons, Tony was in therapy with Dr. Melfi.

About half way into the first season, I was asking myself about Dr. Melfi's  knowledge of sociopathy - and psychopathy for that matter - and why she didn't just drop this guy, with whom she was wasting her time attempting to guide into a rehabilitated state of being.  At the end, in the final season, she finally gets the message.

This story line was about co-dependence, as well as the story line in Mildred Pierce. The difference lies in the the sociopathic behavior of Tony Soprano and the other men on his "team".  I decided the intrinsic value of the Sopranos was its case study of  qualities of culturally embedded sociopathy, its acceptable behavior in some circles, and a co-dependant society.

Tony's wife, not necessarily a co-dependant at heart, knew what she bought into and lived for its benefits. She was more or less one of the "team". I also found myself wondering about her ability to separate the happiness of having her family and the terror of the source of how she was being sustained.

Having the time on my hands during my convalescence to watch such stories, I, again, asked myself, the purpose of these becoming available for me at this time.

As a result, I have had the opportunity to reflect on my own life experience, especially my role in the communities to which I have belonged.  I could see my co-dependence thriving, in spite of my conscious intentions to have it be otherwise, to be interdependent with a higher purpose in life.

As a result of my reflections, I can deeply feel myself no longer falling into that pit of self-destruction.

And instead, here I am, totally grateful for no longer having to earn a living and for no longer having to do what it takes to be acceptable to a community's or another person's standards.

When have you experienced yourself as co-dependant and having to make some new decisions about how you will relate to it?

Thrive or Survive

Iii  I need open heart surgery, not for longevity, although that may be a benefit. The choice is either have the surgery trusting that all will go as intended OR not have the surgery and slowly deteriorate with an increasingly limited life. Of course I would prefer such a life altering choice to either marry Brad Pitt or not or make the call for a world at peace or not. 
I'm struggling with having to go through physical hell to get to physically hearty and healthy with energy to really enjoy living. Right now I am happy, but am promised that I can be happy AND healthy again. Cancer was easy to endure and then cure compared to the mere thought of a power saw ripping its speedy teeth into my rib cage, let alone a scalpel slicing my heart open.

The choice is to either thrive while alive or survive substandardly, whatever time I have until this life's time is complete. Although not quite so dramatically, this either/or choice is a daily option for us all.

I have until next Tuesday to decide. I say thrive now, but I want it to be a deep resolve.

Wish me courage to choose to suffer awhile before  thriving fully is my new life style.

Recall a life altering choice you were challenged by. Did it take courage to choose life? What was the outcome?

The Angry Subpersonality

Journey to Wholeness,  by Judi White

Recently,  a colleague of yore asked me if I have worked out my anger. This experience of me as an angry person goes back to the early 80's.

Given my journey of the past thirty years, I can confidently proclaim that I am one with accepting totally, radically, and unconditionally, that which are the seeds of my anger.  

Tempted to share the journey, I instead shared that I am now a psychotherapist. I do not primarily identify myself as a psychotherapist, but I intended to communicate that we are living today, not thirty years ago, and sit around the table as such.

I was guided at one point to understand and experience that others, especially those close, reflect that which we are experiencing within our own beings. By, releasing the anger within myself,  then others would begin to reflect the result.

Events in my life had contributed to the anger. I had to dig deep into my own life experiences to encounter that which seeded the dominance of an angry subpersonality.  I met significant experiences, remembered them as fully as I was able, brought them into the present, and embraced them with the light of unconditional acceptance  of the whole life experience that they were. 

No one ever asked why I was angry, and no one really needs to know.

I also considered that there is more to this angry subpersonality than my own past experiences. I also was a reflection of another's chronic anger, seeded from a separate complex of life experiences. To complete the healing of the anger would surely include the transformation of all concerned.  That wasn't an option, so I created new boundaries, so to cut the attachment to that angry relationship upon which my angry subpersonality was feeding.

This healing act also includes unconditionally loving and accepting the whole experience of that relationship. 

I get angry. It is a natural experience of living.

However, I now am in the habit of easily accessing the seeds of the anger, understanding their cause, and willing a loving response. I trust that my heart is a part of the Oneness that we all are. I trust that the world in which I reside is One with the Divine - that which is the unfathomable and infinite  acceptance of all that is. 

I dedicate my life to the notion that life is whole and life is perfect, just as I experience it - and as you do experience life, as well.

Reflecct on the moments of your own anger. Where are its seeds growing? 

The Fragrance of Spring

Spring is a most noble season. 

 Birds' songs are plentiful.

 Buds and blooms transform winter's barren landscape.

Newborn wild animals begin their exploration of the world around them.

Gentle rains fall on the new life beginning to grow again.

Sun beams its warmth into the air around us.

Oh, but the fragrance of the blossom

s and herbs is the most compelling of all of Spring's gifts to the earth.

Did you ever sit in the  middle of an orange grove when the blossoms are covering the trees like snow and listen to the bees joyfully gathering nectar for their hives, pollenating the trees while they do?  The fragrance is overwhelming.

The camelia, a delicate  flower, which bursts into loveliness, and browns when raindrops rest on the petals, offers a mesmerizing fragrance of its own. Even one, picked and placed in a bowl of water, can fill a whole room with a sense of wonder.

After a winter of menthol eucalyptus fragrance at bedtime to soothe a cold and cough, the fragrances of Spring,  have the power to liberate Soul in dance, green grass under foot, and birds' singing to guide  a profound dance of life.

This has been a reflection following a meditation retreat  recently called the" Fragrance of Liberation".

 I further reflect on the imminent need to protect this experience of Spring in the choices I make about my part in creating and sustaining  a healthy environment for  f a future on a healthy planet. 

Highlighting the beauty of Spring and its prominent quality of fragrances,  does not replace the horror of destruction, but, like the flower in Picasso's Guernica, breathes hope and possibility to behold.

Reflect on the wonder of Spring in your life's experience. When have you smelled the fragrance of liberation?

The Kitten Within

Drawn to the animal rescue booth at the farmer's market, I noticed a very shy kitten trying to hide under a pillow inside a cage with four or five kittens.  I thought about her all week and the next weekend, I returned with a cat carrier to get her if she was still there. She was and as I walked up to the cage, she came toward me and looked directly into my eyes. So we starred at each other for a moment, then before I knew it, we were driving home. I was cat whispering with her and what I received was Miracle. 

Miracle, as it turns out is her ineffable name. We call her Lucy for all practical purposes.

Lucy has learned that she is safe now, always has enough food, and has bonded with our other cat, Bo Tres, who is protective of her.

I have to say that my visit to the home where the rescue animals live, was a shocking revelation.

The animals were not well cared for, their needs were not met, and while they were given food and shelter, they were on their own. 

Lucy's digestive system was delicate, her neutering scar was tender, and she had ear mites.

   

There are far too many stray animals to save, and yet the philosophy counteracting euthanasia is humane.

The owner of the animal rescue was preparing to take several cats to "the farm" to live. I asked myself, "How many cats can live on a farm safely and comfortably?" That would mean a prolific place full of field rats and snakes for cats to eat!!

How to manage cats- and dogs - without homes is a dilemma.  Who is responsible for catching and neutering millions of animals?

And neutering anything raises another whole issue of humane treatment.

My little Miracle has enlivened conversation with my child within. She has raised questions for consideration for living an empathic life. This has been healing and really affects how I see her and how I treat her. And she knows it - both know it, feel it, see it. 

 Love abounds within our hearts.

But there's a lot of cats out there!!!! What's the humane possible answer?

2013: Very Personal Acts of Courage

Kurt and I in the center of Sri Lanka in September. A courageous reunion half a century later.

For a month now, I have had the presence of mind to be able to reflect on this past year and plan for the coming year.Attempts to do so before thus month were futile because the fullness of the year  continued right up to New Year's Eve, at which time the world seemed to just stop.

It has been said, in the telling of old wives tales, that what you do on New Year´s Day, is the way the year goes. If this is true, this year will be a year of finally dong nothing worth mentioning other than to say that I am at peace. I feel I have nothing pressing, nothing I have to do, nothing on my bucket list. In fact I have already cancelled plans because they required too much effort or more succinctly, the effort is not worth the venture  unless it concerns my spiritual journey.

In 2013, three events, among the many significant during the year, are those which I will always  hold dear in my heart, all as turning points, if not culminations of lifetime goals. It isn't that the events of the world have not called to me. They have.  I heard the call to respond and am caring in my own way. But, this personal growth has been most important of all.


The first occurred during my days in ICU, in April, recovering from a complication which followed a simple heart procedure. I laid flat on my back for five days, perfectly content just Being present in the moment, being about the recommendation from Indicative reality that I be about the business of healing. -I was able to totally let go of any volitional attempts and instead opened my whole heart to the Will of the Divine. A truly amazing experience.

The second event was the coordination of the North American AAP Conference.  I can honestly say that my leadership of this event was instrumental in its being a success in many many ways. I can honestly say that I can live with every thing that went into that week and into the week itself, every flaw and unexpected result included.  This is a different experience than has been the end result of anything I have ever poured my life into. It was rewarding that people loved being part of it and lives were changed and the organization got a powerful jump start into its future..

Finally, travelling to Sri Lanka, while including side benefits of disidentifying effectively from all that had happened so far during the year, was really intended to enjoy spending time with the half century yearning to be reconnected to the love of my life, my first love, and father of my daughter. I had no expectations whatsoever, other than to become acquainted and be friends with this man as we are today, replacing the illusions of lingering and distorted memories of yore. Getting to know someone is not easy or simple, but was a two week delightful adventure.

There is no future in this new friendship other than when we perhaps a get together with our daughter and families. Nevertheless, I am grateful as it gets that we had the courage to spend the time together. and complete the circle of our commonness during this incarnation. Yes, the courage it took to risk possible total rejection , has been worth it all. Being vulnerable is not one of my strong points. The experience of living it and not being swallowed up by the dark abyss has changed  me forever.

2014 is simple, given the lessons learned so profoundly in 2013.

 I will write and publish this year.

I will continue the now seven year journey of my heart's healing.

PLAY is a key word for 2014. i will play with Miracle and learn to play the recorder.

This year marks twenty years in my home. This is the year it will be finished before renovations begin, if ever they do become necessary.

I will finally dare to really fall in love with everyone I consider family .And I will continue dreaming of a family and clan gathering and promise myself to be not disappointed if they don't happen again this year.

I look forward to the joys of 2014, its blissful adventure, and will willingly be kissing the pain of inevitable life changes.

Reflecting and projecting are human activities. When they are sourced in the heart, they are magnificently meaningful.  How about you? How has your life been changed this year and how is the new year different as a result?

Oombulgurri Today

This Tamal woman in central Sri Lanka reminded me of he women in Oombulgurri. I empathized with our common plight and possible future, as I had with the women in Oombulgurri  in a way that will long be remembered.
Grateful to not have to have been a beggar woman, I nevertheless, am the beggar woman, too.

The devastation in the Philippines wrought by Haiyan, raised some questions about the lasting effects of having replicated the 5th City model. The replication began with taking the model to key villages which represented  the most impoverished and hopeless on the planet. 5th City was a demonstration of people doing their own development, creating sustainable communities for the future.

I googled "Oombulgurri", in the Kimberleys Region of Australia, where my family lived and work with the Aboriginal people there. We were not the first team and this was not the first village the Institute of Cultural Affairs worked in. 

Several books are being written about the first village demonstration in Australia, Mowanjum. As far as I know, none have been written about Oombulgurri.

When my family left Australia, the government was paranoid about our being in Oombulgurri because diamonds had been discovered and they didn't want any interference  by civil rights advocates, which they must have imagined us as being.

While the Institute of Cultural Affairs left, the village citizens stayed and maintained the systems that had been developed., which included a community store, garden, clinic, and some renewed cultural rituals -or so the tales are told by colleagues who traveled back to the village for some years following our exit.

The google search revealed the history of Oombulgurri and its present status.

There are only five people still living in Oombulgurri. The other 100 have been relocated with the closing down of village operations.  The research also referred to those of us who worked with the people as those who established social welfare programs in the 70's.

At the time I was there, every single person over the age of 16 was a die hard alcoholic. One of the miracles of the village was the decision to have no alcohol in the village. This was upheld by a woman named Olive who in tradition, would be a Queen of the Daughters of  Rainbow Snake - the ruling lineage historically. As long as she was in the village, peace and order were maintained.

Then, the Department of Aboriginal Affairs built a motor boat for the community making it possible to get down the Forrest River in a short period. Up until then, access to the village was by raft which took two tides for the journey.  Needless to say, the slowness of the raft gave those who were in Wyndham  drinking time to sleep it off on the way back to Oombulgurri, a good model which was changed by the new boat.  After that, there were some days when we had to go into the bush until the mayhem had passed and the Wyndham arrivals were asleep.

Maybe, this is what was happening recently, when the government decided to relocate the people remaining.  There were always only about 100 people, but I am sure many of them have died.  I would like to know who was living there when the village closed and the real reasons for its being disbanded.

I wonder if those who were part of the transformation of Oombulgurri were also transformed. I have seen nothing written about the rich spiritual tradition of the people of the Rainbow Snake.

I wondered how the inevitable paradigm shift of being active participants in creating a sustainable environment  played itself out in the hearts of the people who remained.

I wonder if our imaginal education efforts worked. Did their sense of self-worth increase as an Aboriginal people at the end of the 20th Century on Planet Earth.

I would love to be working with Aboriginal people today, doing what I did then,  knowing what I know now about what it takes to be sustainable, personally and socially.

Reflect on an important time in your life and the situation today.  What have you learned about human development?

Zen and Pronoia

To achieve what the Zen Buddhists call "beginner's mind," you dispense
with all preconceptions and enter each situation as if seeing it for the first
time.

"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities," wrote Shunryu
Suzuki in his book *Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind,* "but in the expert's there
are few."

As much as I love beginner's mind, though, I advocate an additional
discipline: cultivating a beginner's heart. That means approaching every
encounter imbued with a freshly invoked wave of love that is as pure as if
you're feeling it for the first time.

Rob Bresny wrote this in an August 2013 astrology posting for the week. He has been writing weekly on a concept he calls "pronoia". I read a bit more deeply each time. 

New concepts are received like this into every day reality.

Many new concepts are slowly becoming realities today: diversity in unity, consensus,unity in diversity,  ecological sustainability, global citizenship, empathic relatedness...

 The list goes on and on and becomes real slowly but surely.

I resonate with these three paragraphs of his and his description of "pronoia".  They speak to where I am and really want to be. I know I am not alone or this astrologer would not be as well received as he is. 

He may not well liked by those who do not take time to connect heart-to-heart, but to those who are ready for the evolution's miracles, he is among the sensitive spokespeople.

I prefer to highlight the new realities coming into being than to rehearse, over and over again, the problems.  This approach fills the universe with the positive energies which facilitate positive change. 

Where do you see signs of new patterns of life on this planet?