Me and My Shadow...

In her poem "The Gift," Chinese poet Shu Ting writes, "I dream the dream of a pond who lives not just to mirror the sky but to let willow trees on the bank drink me up."
 
I began writing this blog, not because I wanted everyone to know about me, but because I have a story to tell. I'm not all that confident about what it is that needs to be told, so I sit down and let my fingers dance over the keys.
 
This weekend I experienced a catharsis. I had an awareness moment where I saw that  I didn't honor my mother's last wishes (six years ago!) I dumped this all out to a friend. I was so embarassed. Then I spent a full day forgiving myself, for imposing the catharsis on my friend, and for letting the hospital keep my mother on life support, (not her wishes), until heart finally stopped beating.
 
Thing is, the catharsis was an experience of bringing my shadow into the light. I lost respect for my mother and, although I told myself differently, I carried resentment,stuffing it way down in the dark unconscious. For no reason I can think of, it erupted like a volcano. It might have been due to a movie I saw or something that had recently happened which opened that cellar door.

Then on Monday, I had a miraculous turn of events regarding a secret I have kept for 45 years. I wanted to call the people who were there at the time when I lost respect for my mother.  But, the turn of events might lead to nothing. So, I'm not going to talk about the miracle to anyone.


The long time secret, and how it happened to come to be,  is always on my conscious mind. Its shadow energy influenced many major decisions until I finally brought it into the light. Now, I keep the secret because telling it serves no purposeful end.
 
I was a caring daughter. I was a resentful daughter.
For the other, it happened. I avoided it. It caused more pain. I acknowledged it. I changed.
I changed because I acceepted its having happened - its pain and its joy. It is my life's experience.

And it is Good. I became a pond, nourshing willow trees instead of reflecting the sky of that which I would rather choose to say is not I.

I invite you to visit your secrets' room. What is there you prefer not to see? What is there that is for you only to know?