Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Fight Flight Freeze


Recently, I was listening to a talk about responses to trauma. The speaker mentioned "fight-flight" response to trauma, but added "freeze". I googled this and, indeed,  stress experts have changed the responses to" "fight-flight-freeze".

My friend's leaving after being home-mates  for many years was acceptable to my understanding of what was inevitable. While there is always trauma in separation, the trauma of this was well within my ability to heal.  The trauma caused by his family's all out determination to totally sever our friendship has been huge. The lying they did and the actions they took were absolutely insane.

  My Mother and his Dad married shortly after we introduced them, so we were related by marriage. All of my family were in a happy relationship with him.  He and I supported each other during the end months of both my Mother's and his Father's lives on earth. We supported each other through both of our surgeries. We shared happy trips together as compatible traveling companions. We made each other's birthdays and holidays special.

He had been showing signs of dementia for a couple of years and his health was beginning to fail for more than a year before his acute cirrhosis almost took his life. The dementia and that day his systems were shutting down and his refusal to go to the hospital until I finally I called the ambulance against his will was an emotionally huge event.  But, the reactions of his family were too much to handle at the time.

As I reflect on my response to the trauma of their attacks on my person, "Freeze" fits perfectly.  Instead of taking the bull by the horns and calling a halt to the insanity, empathizing compassionately,  or just walking away from the whole thing, I   froze like a night animal  suddenly having a light shine in its face.

 All I was able to do was be there every day and pray for his comfort and healing, bring him things he needed,  and arrange for his rehab placement. Then,  while he was in rehab and when he returned home, the family's determination to sever our relationship permanently continued. For the next six months,  I still  was not able to function beyond monitoring his medical needs and be there to assist with daily care.

As I look further back in my life, I see that, for the most part, that has always been my response.  I would not stand up for myself and fight back.  I did not walk or run away  in the face of potential  physical or emotional danger .  I just stood there, speechless, numb, mind and  emotions void of any way to respond.

 But, I am learning that my challenge is not as simple as doing something besides freeze. My challenge is to transform this freeze into a pause for discerning reality and to access my own ability to respond as a healing agent.

My friend, step-brother and housemate completed his life on earth last week. The finality of it, has allowed me to peacefully grieve for the end of our incredible experiences together as well as the absolutely uncalled for,
yet now past, drama of the past three years.

  I observe others fighting back at what is happening in the world of politics and in their lives. I observe others defending what is happening in the world, which to me is a flight from reality, if not to them, of course.  I am standing here, watching it happen. I am determined to deeply understand what is happening before I respond.

The important new element of my life is transform "Freeze" into the discipline of  standing present to what is happening, taking time to understand from a place of love, and to respond appropriately, occasioning reconciliation when possible.

What is your response to trauma and how have you learned to transform it into a gift of compassionate response?


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I do agree with all of the ideas you've introduced to your post.

They're really convincing and can certainly work. Nonetheless, the posts
are too short for beginners. May just you please lengthen them a
bit from subsequent time? Thanks for the post.