Do I Choose to Own the Truth?

Full moon July 2011. Like a focus in the haze of whirlwind frenzy.

Reordering business cards from Vistaprint, for an organization to which I belong, ended up nowhere - no one had the password. I thought this had been done in April when we all agreed to do it.  I had a self-imposed deadline to meet. The card only had our name and the website contact info. Communication with Vistaprint led nowhere. I opened a new account, designed a new card,  and ordered new card, and received 500 cards of very low quality.  The cards would be an embarrassment to the organization.

I had submitted an invoice to the treasurer and asked her to not reimburse me. I attempted to contact Vistaprint again, with no success. By this time, clerical skills not being one of my natural talents, I was not thinking straight and was flustered.

I didn't write down the password for the new account, so I opened another account, designed a new card with large print, and sent it off.

Then I went to Staples with one of the original cards. They said they could produce a quality card and the total would be three times as much as the original order from  Vistaprint. I ordered them and could pick them up asap.

When I got home, it dawned on me that the organization is in the process of creating a new website and the info on the business card would be useless very soon.  I was able to cancel the order at Staples.

Thoughts ran through my mind about how I could erase the whole series of events which began with somebody asking me where the $20 was going to come from in  the budget for the year. This was frustrating as well, because $20 is not much to ask for anyway, let alone its contribution to  our purpose for existing as as organization - and we had already agreed.

I realized that I had not stopped to think through at each obstacle I encountered. I had forgotten to check my intuitions about why this was not working out easily. It was a simple task I was doing. And here I was with 1000 cards - useless cards come September - to own up to responsibility for their existence.

This all was happening during the Casey Anthony trial conclusion. I had not been following the trial closely and was grateful for the opportunity to see the final stages. I could see that there was not much evidence one way or the other (I ask myself, "Who is to say I have these 1000 cards here on my desk?" - except that I have just written about it in this blog).

I put myself in her shoes - into her poor choices - into her inability to own truth and live truth. (I really was drawn to blocking out the whole business card whirlwind from my memory and creating for myself, a big lie about the whole thing).

I know there is no comparison of a few business cards to a small child's life - but there is a correlation when it comes to owning up to the poor choices we make.   I get to live with what to do with these useless business cards - and pay for them myself.  Casey has to live with her poor choices related to the fact that her beloved child is now dead.

She will be paying for her poor choices, whatever they were,  in a way that may be too painful to face. Her defense patterns, so obvious by the trial's end,  may just have her blaming anyone else for her present circumstances and more than likely concocting even another great story in her mind.

For myself, and my whirlwind of mindless energy spent for nought, with a misplaced focus, I can own it, pay for it, learn a lesson and laugh at the wasted energy in my actions.

Maybe Casey will be fortunate enough someday, to own this event in her life's time. In the meantime, no one need be concerned about her being in prison and suffering- her life will be a living hell of one pathological lie or another to cope with the pain of the reality she simply does not have the capacity to accept.

I am very grateful that my mindless acts this week in no way compare to a dead child. Nevertheless, they have provided a channel for empathy of those who act mindlessly - and for the importance of mindful discipline.

When is a time you have been embarrassed by your mindless whirlwind of poor choices? 

What practices have you learned in order to be more mindful?

How do you remember to employ them when you need them the most?