I'd be willing to bet that there isn't one person alive who hasn't encountered cancer in some way or other.
In seven bouts with cancer, I didn't have much support at all from others. In fact, for the most part, I was ignored. I'm sure my being emotionally drained was what others felt when they were around me. I was angry. I'm sure that did not go unnoticed either. Ignored by others and abject FEAR of pain and imminent death almost got the best of me.
However, I learned a lot from those visits with cancer. One lesson cancer taught me is that, even with support, it is a walk alone through the valley of the shadow of death.
Eventually, I experienced that having cancer was teaching me to care about myself and how I relate to the world around me. I looked into my own interior resources for survival, for relief, for comfort, for assurance. I found all that I needed to give me energy for healing right in my own heart.
A wise woman on the subject of healing, suggested to me, that cancer is creativity turning in on itself, when there is no outlet for expression. Perhaps this is so.
The most difficult occasion was a viral liver cancer. It was also a most creative venture, one that I would never even have been able to dream of experiencing.
I employed healing music and sound, the healing power of balanced color schemes, healing diet, healing exercise, guided healing imagery, healing relaxation, painting emotions, diary writing, healing affirmations, chakra clearning, plain old exercise, etc., etc., etc.
I spent a lot of heart felt time on bringing the cancer into my own circle of dance, dancing with it, dialoging with it, overcoming my fear of it, becoming one with its being. Plainly put, I let go of any expectations for the outcome and let it just be.
While others around me ignored its presence - and ignored me, I became its best friend, in a way. I got so that it didn't matter if it went away or stayed. I began to experience my self as grateful for being who I am, where I am, and what I am, in the moment.
One day, reflecting on the absurdity of it all, I began to laugh. I was alone and I laughed until my sides ached.What a relief it was to laugh at my self and my circumstance.
My niece has a four year old, Abigail, who has bone marrow cancer. Abigail was born on my birthday, so there is a special place in my heart for her, even though I have yet to meet her.
Her grandmother writes of a really happy little girl that she gets to spend a lot of time with. I suspect that Abigail will be all right. I have a feeling that someday I'll get to meet her.
But, then, one never knows when a person's time has come.
In the meantime, the journey continues.
And then it is done.
And all is well.
8 comments:
Judi,
Your piece on cancer as the way life is: It’s the best writing I have ever read on cancer from the view of someone who has had it. May I distribute it to people I meet along the way who may benefit from reading it?
Susan A
I never found the hurricanes....and I admire your cancer story..Shamai
Dear Judi, your story of being ignored is so painful. Our group didn't seem to want to be sentimental or soft. However, I am so sorry that you were ignored. I know how much support meant to me. I love my little angel cards that you sent to me and the care I sensed and received from so many.
I recall being so overwhelmed when the Salmon's son was dying with cancer and I didn't have the courage to pray for him outloud in daily office because individual prayers just weren't done in that setting. Later, a prayer I will never forget was prayed by Justin Morrill for the wholeness of Wesley Salmon. And that is a prayer, as I am now keenly aware of the twin brothers of life and death dancing, that makes sense. There comes a time when we pray for wholeness (in the big picture of things) rather than begging for a few more days or weeks of suffering and struggling.
Thank you for sharing your life experiences to pave a way for others to share reflect on theirs.
I was grateful for having to look for the Hurricane one so that I reread several others. You are amazing. Thank you!!!!!Lynda
Hi Judi,
I just very quickly read 2 of your blog articles, the Cancer one and the elephant one. They are good. Keep up the good writing. It is always profound. Roseanne
You never told me you had cancer. Why do you suppose it never came out in conversation, even though I feel like it is something I've always wanted to know: if cancer is in the family. I'm sorry about your experience; sorry you had to fight it alone; it is a disease of one, it is a survivors nightmare. I'd like to talk more about it. It's one of my biggest fears, second only to losing a child.
looking forward to visiting with you! xo Caroline
TO WINKIE, Last evening, I got to thinking about how much support you gave me when I had cancer. Soon, I'm going to rewrite this blog entry - it'll be about the garnet necklace and earrings for my healing to be grounded. I am grateful for this memeory and for your support and friendship through the years. Judi
TO CAROLINE, We'll talk about it. If you had the gene, you'd probably have had it by now. It's on my father's side. Most of it was extremestress or environmentally related. But, the thing is, it was not a bad experience to face this fear and finally it is a solitary exercise, even with support.
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