My Mother

My own mother, I believe Jung would agree, energized a negative archetypal energy,  which I continued in the raising of my own children in many ways. My mother did not emotionally connect with me as a person. She was very critical of me. She contributed greatly to my own understanding of myself as not good enough, as an outsider, as alone in this world. My mother's last spoken words to me, three days before her death, were, "Let go of me!" which she shouted out, however weakly, when I attempted to hug  her.

Ironically, everyone liked my mother. Her grandchildren loved her. Her friends loved her. Her colleagues loved her. She was attractive, took care of her health,  and was involved in many activites. As a teacher, she inspired many to go beyond what they thought was possible for themselves. She loved to cook and always intended that we had nutritious meals. There were times we were really poor. She would go to work so the bills could get paid. After we had all grown, she made sure the family would all gather at one time now and then on a holiday. However, my brothers and I are in agreement that that we experienced being  "on our own" by the time we were teenagers.

During the holidays this year, I went to an annual holiday tea at the church she attended. I like to go because the women's group sell crafts which they made during the year. They also have those little sandwiches with the crusts cut off and fancy cookies. They serve coffee and tea from a real silver tea set, into china cups with saucers. While I was mingling in this luxury, several of the women mentioned how much they missed Mother's  smiling face, and her voice in the choir.  My own internal response (refer to previous paragraphs) was a double whammy":  the return of the abandoned child who once lived as the shadow of self-depreciation itself, and the woman I now am - one who chooses to honor my mother's life and her role in mine with compassion and forgiveness.

I believe that we chose the life we would come into before we were born into this incarnation. We chose it for the lessons we need to learn and the messages we need to deliver. I also believe this belief is a metaphor for taking responsibility for the relationship to the life we have lived. and the story we create to hold those experiences.

I bring my mother into the circle of the dance and let her go, as she so clearly requested. I am grateful for being consciously aware, brateful for the gift of mindfulness, AND grateful for being aware that I am free to choose the relationship I take to my experiences. Most of all I am grateful for the source of creativity - the space where I energize suportive and positive archetypal energy.  These qualities make lesson learning possible. In fact, learning to access them, may just be the lesson I have learned.

I can say that my mother's life was received into the Light as whole and perfect - her whole life, all of its pain and all of its joy. I am free to choose a Mother archetype for  this phase of life.

She is Sophia: http://northernway.org/sophia.html

How have you been transformed by changing your relationship to an energy that gets in your way sometimes?