I spent the weekend in retreat. This was a mindfulness retreat. At the same time it was more than that. It was a great weekend of disidentifying from the angst that many of us have been consumed with for sometime now then identifying with The Beauty of Being.
For months, I had been learning to live alone. This is the first time in my life when I actually have the whole day and the whole night to myself.
Each day I am learning to enjoy being myself. I step out into the world cautiously, determined to lose what I might, as a psychologist, call The Social Anxiety Disorder. I have always had it, but there have been times when it did not call the shots. Mostly, these days, I prefer to refer to this "subpersonality" as The Fierce Introvert or The Radical Solitary, which, socially speaking, is a much healthier perspective of one's presence in the world.
At the retreat, I awakened to the reality that I really am enjoying being a solitary when inside my own home. I asked myself, "If I step into the world on a regular basis, what keeps me so anxious?" I do fear having nothing to offer and have been known to avoid at all costs, feeling powerless, rejected, helpless, at a loss for how to respond to suffering --- and the list goes on. It's not like paranoia. It's not The Victim nor The Saboteur . I simply want to be a Relevant Presence in the world, a woman on the path of freedom balanced with responsibility.
I have much to offer. I have created boundaries that are healthy. I know that I would like to be of service in my community. I know that I would like to participate in being a voice among the many who want to continue to see progress in this nation in this world. The only problem is how I feel about myself . I need to be the one who wants to be me in the world just as I am.
Yes, it has nothing to do with whether or not somebody wants me in their life or in their project or at their social gathering. It is simply about willing to be a Relevant Presence in the world - both flaws and gifts.
This struggle comes to the forefront at this time, intensely and unavoidably due, initially to the trauma in my personal life this past year, but today to the national economic and political crisis especially. I am wondering how I can stay focused on the resurgence of the masses of people who are standing up for a healthy social vehicle while the old one is dying hard and dangerous with a fierce vengeance!
A meditative council walks with me:
- An ancient insight I like to repeat over and over is, "To be alive is a miracle!"
- The ancient culture which repaired cracked bowls with gold,
- The totally peaceful Women's March on January 21, 2017 where over a billion people both men and women of all ages walked together, announcing the presence of the emerging age of a compassionate civilization, determined that we will live on a healthy planet.
Most importantly, is an image of a safe place, created in Higher Self, through which to experience the world while I am in it. My safe place has green grass on the banks of Lake Champlain and the sun is setting in a colorful sky over the lake and where walking barefoot is a joyous playful pastime. I have been there, sustained in Spirit and can imagine being there everywhere I go. I may have to paint it on a canvas to remind me that the world is safe and being here is a comfortable risk beckoning, ever welcoming.
We have only just begun, folks. Pointing out what is wrong is going nowhere. Time is come to BE the new reality. We are both the old and the new.
Is your safe place in your Soul created and ready to carry with you as the new social vehicle emerges with you fully part of its creation?
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