How to Be a Mother-in-law

Realizing things were not going well at all, and being one who prefers gentle loving bonds, I began to read all I could find on the how to be a good mother-in-law.

Research shows that 60% of mil/dil (mothers-in-law/ daughters-in law) experience stress in their relationship. I am sure that all can understand that there is a natural competition which dwindles as an obstacle to right relations  as each adjusts to the change in roles and responsibilities.

In the mean time both mil and dil engage in a dance of self-silencing in order to enjoy each other's company as they move through the awkward stages of accepting each other as each is,  rather than what each prefers the other to be.

Also true, is the fact that mils have been the successful butt of stand up comedians for years. Mostly, however,  those jokes are about how men experience their mils.

In an article by Susan Adcox, "How to be A good Mother-in-Law and Grandmother", she lays down the rules. As  I read the rules, as was the intent of the article, I asked myself:  Am I critical?  Am I too helpful?  Am I possessive? Am I  pushy? How do I be a mil AND grandmother?

In this and several other readings, I noticed that a common theme was the onus was all on the mil to be whatever it takes for there to be a good relationship between the two. But, are we not all adults now. Isn't the onus on us all to become accepting of each other, establishing boundaries which respect each other and the healthy role each plays in family dynamics?

,I then googled "how to be a good dil". Mostly, the listing there was also about how to be a good mil.

 One  link began like this:  Anthropologist Margaret Mead wrote, "Of all the peoples whom I have studied, from city dwellers to cliff dwellers, I always found that at least 50 percent would prefer to have at least one jungle between themselves and their mothers-in-law."

All I read mentioned RESPECT as the key to healthy family ties.  Some of the stories brought tears to my eyes. All that I read assured me that I am not alone, dancing on egg shells. Eggshell dancing is a fine art here and I tell you the truth when I say I love eggshell dancing.  

None of the articles reassured me that I might have a chance of being a grandmother who gets to know her grandchildren.  Not a real possibility anyway with all of them living so far away, and/or already full grown adults themselves. 

Unconditional acceptance is the only way to live freely. We all are who we are. 

There finally are no pat answers or perfect way to dance. There IS,  however, the possibility of mutual intent to trust that each other acts with the highest good. 

 Let it be. Let it be.

Have you had the privilege of having to live in the tension of in-law relatedness? How have you come to terms with this natural phenomenon?