Solitary Time With Psyche

Songaia, Bothell, WA, Community Garden December 2011

Processing time is difficult with so many distractions to feed an avoidance pattern.

On the other hand, distractions can be a time of incubation, while Psyche does a deeper processing.

So, unwittingly, I have kept myself distracted for a couple three weeks instead of struggling to keep distractions from the solitary time I need to process.

When Psyche is ready, there will be no distractions. There will only be time with Psyche.

When Psyche is ready, I will wake up with insights which I need to bring into conscious awareness and to interact.

I will be sitting drinking coffee from my new cup and a conversation will proceed with a personified energy in my imagination. I like to feel that I am actually in discourse telepathically with the real person, but suspect otherwise. The conversations will easily be productive.

I will become irritated with someone, stop, find the same dynamic within my own thought process, and address it instead. I will become irritated at a memory of something another said or did, and find the same pattern within myself and address it instead. Sometimes, remembering to do this takes a little time, but this irritation increases until I do acknowledge it, give it energy, and address it.

One very difficult energy I am beginning to process is a part of me which wants to be married and an equally strong energy which is very independent. So, dependence and independence are duking it out these days. As has been the case for many years if not forever, independence has the upper hand, dealing the low blows keeping dependence paralyzed. A balance of the two would open a door for interdependence, allowing both free spirit and common care to dance together.

The internal turmoil is a bit of a drain.

The urgency to process at this time of life began, when a man who I once wanted very much to marry many years ago, recently looked straight at me and said, "I don't want to get married.". He then waxed on with a delightfully compelling scenario of one who lives as a free spirit.

This triggered in me a series of silent questions, right then and there (I wonder how he was responding to my seemingly blank stare,: "So what else is new?" and; "Why are you telling me this?" and; "Have I given you the impression that I want to marry you?" and; "You mean to tell me that I am not irresistibly gorgeous?" and ; "Is this statement coming from a half a century ago and just n ow arriving to be heard, and finally; "Is he simply mirroring my Psyche's will for me?"

Of course, his statement primarily, if not exclusively, is from his own projections on where he is right now on his journey of a life's time. Nevertheless, it occasioned, in me, a wondering about why it is that I am single, very independent, and so very solitary.

This internal dialogue, now catalyzed by that one statement which came initially from  yore's time, will be one I will process this year, with no particular expectations except that I will experience a deep resolution about being who I am now and who I am becoming now.

Where are you struggling with commitment - personally and socially?